I'm in good hands now.

Okay.

You know how this works by now.

You know the process.

Three... maybe four days tops. Five if something's really bad, but let's be honest, we've never seen it go that far, have we?

So, I'm the one with the fucking intimacy issues, and I know exactly what (WHO) fucking caused them.

BUT THIS ISN'T ABOUT ASSIGNING BLAME!!!

Fuck that shit.

I own absolutely everything that has ever fucking happened to me. It's mine. It's my story to tell. It's my pain to bear. It's my set of triggers and Bad JuJu to overcome.

It's MINE.

No one has the power to take that away from me.

Which also means that it's my choice to do with it as I please.

I fucking own it.

Which doesn't make it suck any less. Owning it doesn't give me my sense of trust back. Owning it doesn't give me anything back.

Owning it just means that I get to decide how I move forward from here, and I've made my decisions.

I don't just want to fucking cope this time.

I don't just want to fucking walk away in pieces and 'learn to deal.'

I want to fucking heal.

I want to heal right the first time!

No jagged edges that need to be rebroken and reset later on.

I need my wings splinted this time.

I need someone to be there for me the same way I would be there for anyone else I met who was this broken and in this much pain.

I need someone to draw the poison from my wounds.

And, you know what?

I already have that person, thank you very fucking much.

My Wonder Twin is with me now, and he would never dream of letting me suffer a second longer than I have to.

Bran gave up the job as my protector when he betrayed me. Yes, he was manipulated and yes, I forgive him, and yes, I still fucking love Bran... but I'm not Bran's problem anymore. I haven't been his problem for a long time now.

Don't get me wrong. Bran loves the fuck out of me, but he has his own battles to fight now.

Somewhere along the line, Bran lost who he was. It's his turn to focus on himself and to become the man that he's meant to be. And that man's life may or may not include me. No one really knows, but this is what he needs to do for him.

And I need to do this for me.

Metal-AF has bound himself to me. He is my Twin. My Loyalist. And now, my Protector.

He is my balance, my rock, my one safe port in the raging storm.

He is my platonic cuddles, my sanity, my home.

Bran can rest easy.

I'm in good hands now.

I am not alone.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  I actually have my shit together enough to try doing some housework today.

I was smart, though.

I already took my shower.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar -  Still good news here. 118

Family:

- Bran -  Don't worry about us.

We're still in a really good place.

I'm still way more responsive to touch more than gifts when I'm not okay... and he still walks away when I tell him as much...

But... (sigh) I think last year was traumatic for him in ways that he hasn't been willing to talk to me about, yet. If he ever would.

There's something about me being in pain that seems to disturb him greatly. It's like he can't get away from me or my pain fast enough.

He'd drive for three hours in a raging blizzard to come home with comfort salmon for me, rather than spend three minutes in the same room with me letting me cry on his shoulder.

Something burned him out.

He can't handle emotions anymore.

I'm not even sure if he ever could.

It's just a good thing that I'm Poly now, and that I have Metal-AF... Eventually, I'll have Cuddle Crush too.

(sigh) The one person I'm not used to sucking it up and putting on a brave face for... and he's the one who needs it from me the most.

Fuck me... the shit I get myself into.

- Spawn -  I get a 3-day digest of what she's learning in school delivered to me via email every day.

I haven't seen shit about contraception.

There's been a lot on abstinence, and some shit called 'the story of your arrival.'

I think we're going to have to have a talk.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   Wow...

So, I was really ready for the Cuddle Crush update to go a totally different direction today. But, I ended up having to delay the composition of the entry and I ended up chatting with her in the meantime instead.

It was innocuous at first. Mutual weight loss and fitness goals.

Then she shared a personal detail that opened a big enough crack for me to ask a very generalized 'how are relationships?'

She gave me the update in very small details but made sure I knew that I was included in the scope of those relationships. However, there is still a hangup there. She's still not 100% in the clear to be with me, yet.

I asked her if there was anything I could do. She said she wasn't sure if I could, but she's trying very hard to push us along.

I ended up needing her to clarify the nature of the hangup.

She came back to me with the three most simple... most beautiful words she could ever say to me:

"Because you're mine."

I mean... oh... ye fucking godz... you have no idea what the word 'mine' does to me... and she's officially the only person allowed to say that to me now.

This led us to the conversation I thought we would have to wait to have in person. About what it means to be hers. About how I still have triggers for her to watch out for. About the ways that certain types of BDSM play still scare the holy mother-fuck out of me.

What the fuck did I expect out of her when this was brought up?

Why was I so fucking scared to expose my fears to her?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!!??!!

I wanna fucking kick my own ass right now.

She's my fucking Alpha for a reason, godz dammit.

Of course, she told me that she would take her time with me. Of course, she told me that she'd push my boundaries eventually. Of course, she told me that nothing would happen until I trusted her completely.

Of course, she promised to be gentle with me when it came to earning that trust.

For fuck's sake.

Why did I doubt her?

I feel like such an ass.

- then we tried to break so we could both take showers and get on with our days -

And she sent me pictures of how hot her toned ass looks these days.

RAWR! (bites)

Meanwhile, I was working up towards the pic I was going to send her. The visual proof of what I do whenever I'm naked, alone, and thinking of her.

Then I took her into the shower with me.

She got pictorial updates of me getting all soapy and clean. LOL.

I asked her after how she felt about that and she said it was delightful.

Fuck me.

I love that woman.

"Because you're mine."

Those three words are going to be burned into my mind for the whole rest of the day.

There's more to it, of course.

She's protecting me too. The way an Alpha should, but the Fated Mate is also in there as well. Some days I wonder when she's going to figure out the Fated Mate thing... or if she has already and just hasn't communicated that to me, yet.

We always seem to end up on the same page... she probably already knows... she probably just calls it something else.

"Because you're mine."

See that? ^^^

I'm hers.

She's claimed me.

  - Pathfinder -  Nothing new to report.

  - Never Enough -  Nothing new to report.

Cuddles

  - Metal-AF -  I feel like we pretty much covered this.

I love him. I'm so happy he's watching over me.

I really think I should start to think about moving closer to him.

We need proximity.

 - Rabbit - Formerly known as Potential #1.

He expresses interest. I offer to let him get close. He kinda skitters back the other direction.

The last conversation looped around how badly I need a back rub (he's a trained massage therapist) and he was surprised I'd even let him touch me...

(sigh)

This one's gonna get weird for a bit.

(potential(s)) # 2 I'm still going to try my best to wait until we've had at least one date before he gets a code name, but we're really connecting well on OKC.

He works a lot, but when he can chat, he's wonderful. We really seem to enjoy each other's company.

He ----almost---- would have come out to visit me today, but there was an issue with transportation...

Meh... he'll get to me when he gets to me...

I'm not being flippant about this... it's just that it's going on nap time, and my day has been so full of Bran and Cuddle Crush that I'm only this far in composition. I haven't even made it as far as the proofread of today's entry and I'm ready for a nap.

Friends:

  - Blue Falcon - This is bittersweet.

I asked about Movie Night and he came back with 'busy with the new Lady Friend'.

Well, fine. I wanted him to date and get on with his life, but Movie Nights were the last shred of our relationship that I was clinging onto, and if he was going to just rip that away from me too? A little fucking warning might have been nice.

Kind of a dick move if you ask me.

Maybe I should just stop talking to him and wait for him to be the one to text me first from now on.

If he wants me in his life, he can be the one to make room for me.

Great.

Crying now.

End Notes:  

I feel like I need to let Bran know that I'm okay and that I'm taken care of and that he can go.

I've been so worried about him feeling displaced.

Maybe I just need for him to know that I'm in good hands.