I'm just trying to survive here.

I stopped wearing my Fitbit, so I really have no clue how much sleep I have or have not been getting. All I know is that last night seemed to go better.

I got to bed closer to midnight/one'ish rather than three/four'ish, and I didn't cry myself to sleep.

I didn't cry myself to sleep because I wasn't thinking about Bran.

I didn't cry myself to sleep because I wasn't thinking about Jaded.

I didn't cry myself to sleep because I was thinking about Ash.

Yeah...

... *soft smile*

... she's new here.

You see, I'm coming to grips with the fact that Jaded and I are never going to be anything. She's closed herself off to me completely and all the promises she once made me are dead.

It's pointless for me to keep saving myself for her.

It's pointless for me to put all my faith in her touch being the only thing that can deliver me to the ecstasy that I crave.

What if she was only in my life to wake me up so that I could experience those touches at the hands of others?

Iron came for me right away, and holy hell... what a touch!

And there was someone else who responded to my open Cuddle Call as well, but unfortunately, it was a little too late in the game for things to work out between her and me.

I kinda blipped the fact that I should tell her that there would be more Cuddle Calls in the future. I've since corrected that oversight.

Part of me does worry about how Jaded is going to take this. She hasn't said a word to me since last Sunday when I bemoaned the fact that DIE! had to bow out of our cuddle date, and I think that's about the point when the ratchet comments started showing up in my feed.

I seriously don't know what the fuck is going on.

I try so hard to let her know that I'm still here for her and that I can still lovingly support her even with no chance of ever becoming her lover, but all that ends up happening is she pushes me away so hard that I have bruises.

So, I really don't know what to do here.

It seems like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm either the creepy, crazy, stalker chick who won't let her go, or I'm the cold-hearted bitch who gave up on her like everyone else. Meanwhile she’s so hardcore, Borderline “I hate you, don’t leave me” that I really can’t win either way. All I can hope is that she comes to her senses at some point and makes some sort of a solid decision one way or the other. I just know I can’t handle this toxic limbo with her. It’s damaging to my mental health.

Fuck…

I'm just trying to survive here.

I'm just trying to navigate the landscape of life after Cuddle Crush.

This is Jaded's world now, and I have no idea what to do with that. All I know is that it's a very painful place for me to be, and I need comfort, cuddles, and companionship to be strong enough to endure the suffering that is my healing process. She didn’t just break my heart, she fucking shredded it. I’m full of emotional shrapnel and I’m still bleeding out here.

No one has the right to dictate to me how I should survive.

So, if I want to cuddle the new girl?

Well, then I'm going to fucking cuddle the new girl.

Nuff Said.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  So, we did the A1C yesterday, and I'm nice and stable at a 6.4, with is really good. 6.0 is 'not diabetic', and I've been steadily working my way down from a 6.9 over the last year or so'ish. Therefore my Primary doctor agreed with me that it's perfectly safe for me to back off on one of my meds. I'm taking 1000mg a day now instead of 1500mg... it's not much, but it's enough that I know that the weight loss is helping and that my body is starting to heal.

- INR -  Still a tad low.

- Blood Pressure -  Normal - backing off on the one hypertension med did not adversely affect me at all.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  I tapped in with him a little bit yesterday. Enough to know that he's still there. I miss and want and need him... he has expressed that he hopes he'll see me soon. So, I feel like the desire is mutual, he's just got a lot of 'life stuff' in the way.

So, it's not like it was with Jaded, where every 'soon' meant 'not at all'. Iron has already followed through on intent once, and I believe him when he says he'll do it again.

Or, at least, that's what I'm holding out for. We all know that I've waited a year for a second date before. *cough!*DRAGON!*cough!*

Still, *fingers crossed*.

- Zane -  I neglected to tap him yesterday, and he didn't tap me... and I think that's okay too. I know he's busy as well. So, I'm going to give Zane a little room to breathe for a bit.

- DIE! -  VERY much to my surprise, DIE! checked in on me last night and conversation was back to the quality that it was before our date. He wasn't curt or distant. So, I think I was just pinging him while he was gaming or something. I expressed my loneliness and need for more cuddles and he's checking his schedule.

(SQUEE!)

So, along with Iron, that does mean that I have two people with me that can see my Goddess.

(DOUBLE SQUEE!!)

- Ash -  *smile* um... yeah...

So... luck willing... Team Sweetie just might have a girl playing for us soon.

And, I use the word 'girl' a tad bit loosely. She's actually gender fluid and I have to admit that's part of the attraction.

Again, it's not that I fetishize ambiguous gender when it comes to my girls, it's just what I seem to attract to me and I have absolutely no problem with it. It becomes a part of what makes that person unique and special to me.

So far all my 'girlfriends', including Jaded, the girlfriend that wasn't, have been MtF transgender.

Ash is different, but in a way that makes her even more special to me. She'll be able to help me overcome my trust and vulnerability issues with women, yes.

But, there's this part of her that is untouched. Her masculine side has never received the attention that it really deserves.

(swoon) Fucking hell... I really want to be the person to change that.

I want to be the woman who accepts and loves her as she is and wants to know that side of her. It would bring me so much joy to be the one to bring that kind of joy into her life.

And, yeah, this does wrap around back to Jaded a bit.

You see, this ability of mine to find so much treasured beauty in the thing that always gets someone rejected? That's always been my thing. For some reason, I always end up loving the unloved in someone.

So, this thing that has always gotten Ash rejected? To me, it's this beautiful, untouched thing that I want to treasure and hold. I want to whisper 'No, hunnie. You're not ugly, you're magnificent.'

That is the kind of love that I offered Jaded, when I looked at the roadmap of her scars. When I saw every crack in Jaded's hard exterior and every flaw in her fragile heart. I wanted to be the one to hold her together and to worship all that bat shit crazy.

Jaded rejected my love. Over and over and over again.

If anything, that's what shredded my heart the most. She'd post all this ratchet shit about the kind of love that she deserved. Like someone loving her as a whole person, scars, flaws, cracks, and all. And I was just so fucking invisible. I offered her that exact love, and all she did was push me away.

Again...

... Ash is different...

... she appreciates the fact that I can appreciate her.

I fucking love where this is going.

I get to cuddle Ash in just eight days...

I can only imagine how much deeper our conversations are going to get by then.

GAH!

OMG!

(SQUEE!)  

Friends:

 - Sawyer -  I am SO happy right now!! Sawyer had an issue and he came to ME for advice on how to handle it. So, I'm super duper excited that we have this comfort level in our friendship!! He also said he would have tried to make a second cuddle date, but there was no time. (sigh) People. I haz dem.

- TCN: Cohen -  I'm going to give him a wide breadth of breathing room to let the knowledge I laid on him sink in and let him grow and practice before I check in on him. So, probably not this coming Sunday, but the Sunday after. That will give him about two weeks.

- Blue Falcon -  Much to my surprise, he actually tapped in to ask how I was doing... something he said he wasn't going to do. So, I really have no clue what the fuck was up with that.

I told him the truth. Life sucks, but I'm not letting it destroy me.

Broken but not defeated. (shrug)

End Notes:  

Still chatting with Ash...

(blush)

We've admitted that we find each other 'hot'.

ACK!

(SQUEE!)