Code Name Blue Falcon is a GO!

I'm so happy today.

The date with the Blue Falcon went extremely well.

He was very receptive to the damage control of explaining the things Copperhead wouldn't have mentioned to him. He did admit that he's seeking something serious, but understood that serious wasn't something he could achieve with me. This is still good.

First I had to make it clear that I’m married and non-monogamous. He was surprised, but he took it well. Then I had to explain the part about Bran living separately from me for the work thing. That was also quickly understood.

Once I fully explained that a Sweetie is more than just sex, but less than boyfriend level commitment, he started to climb on board. But he still expressed some confusion about exactly what a good Sweetie does. So, I gave him the four precepts of Sweetieship.

1. Good Company
2. Good Conversation
3. Good Snuggles
4. Good Sex

Once all that was on the table. Blue Falcon was 100% mine.

We ate a little dinner and then he asked what we should do for our date. Watch a show, maybe? Nah, I suggested SNUGGLES! He agreed it was a good idea.

He took off his office attire and climbed into bed with just his boxers on (well, socks too). It wasn't long before he had me out of my clothes too.

The snuggles were AMAZING. He held me SO TIGHT. He kissed me so passionately.

The sex was wonderful.

Even when his body was too tired to continue, his cock kept getting hard and demanding that he go back in.

Do you have any idea what a compliment that is? Just the fact that he likes me so much that he kept getting hard for me, even when his brain was saying 'no more, need to go soon' and his body was saying 'no more, you're going to kill us', his cock was saying 'we can't stop now! Hot pussy!!'.

There were more cuddles, more sex, and even a co-shower.

When he left, he let me know that he WILL becoming back.

Now, let's hope I don't lose him the way I lost Foxtrot and Gingersnap after they became the favorites.

 I don't think I'd ever lose him the way I lost Alpha. I was able to express some spiritual beliefs with the disclaimer that I didn't need him to experience my spirituality. Just accept that I do. He was good with that.

I can't wait to see him again.

Introspectively, I think my hottest non-sexual thing is just how nerdy/geeky and full of incredible information he is. It's such a turn on to know that he can talk about anything. Sometimes he's way above my head, but that's okay, I'm learning things.

I think my hottest sexual thing was just how hard he kept getting.

Okay, okay… enough already.

Let's just hope I see him again.

OH! Wait, there's more.

I was also able to share with him all that happened with Copperhead, and he shared his own knowledge. It's safe to say that we're both OVER Copperhead. Blue Falcon doesn't hold anything against me and is not concerned about any dangers to the friendship if Copperhead finds out that Blue Falcon and I are Sweeties.

GOOD!

Slept better... today is RESEARCH:

And off we go…

The Blue Falcon will be here in about eight hours. I'm hoping to have a better code name for him in less than 10 hours.

I slept better last night.

I think I just needed my bed back to myself again. So, I'm re-thinking the 'overnights' thing with untested potentials. I'm still willing to consider overnights with sweeties a good thing, but if they're like Gramarye and they TWITCH all night. No thank you.

At any rate. Sweeties for ONE overnight. Not two. Never again.

Hopefully I'll just have Bran back with me and this won't be a problem anymore.

I'm going to be taking a break from the book writing for a few days. I need to research and write a short story for another writing contest. First prize is $100. But, I'll settle for extra site currency or getting noticed by a publisher/literary agent.

I need to really knock this one out of the park. It has to SING with uneasiness. I'm just not sure how to make that happen… yet… But, I have to try.

And off we go...

Confirmed:

Exchanged a few texts with the Blue Falcon yesterday. We're still on for tomorrow.

*big smile*

This has me very excited.

--

Mental health wise, I guess I have nothing to report. The PTSD hasn't been rearing it's ugly head much. I'm still getting some dreams that flit along the edges, but not enough to leave me waking up feeling uneasy.

The only thing that bothers me is the relative sleeplessness.

I don't know what it is that's keeping me awake all night, but I wish it would stop. I gauge my restlessness based on how much water is left in my water bottle when I awake. And lately I've been getting up in the middle of the night to refill my water. That sucks.

I know it's not my caffeine consumption. I've been a three cup of coffee in the morning person for longer than I've been having this latest bout of sleep issues.

It seems to be only effecting me since I've been alone. But, it appears that sleeping next to someone doesn't help.

Granted, I'm basing that on Copperhead.

The last night that we slept together, he was cuddled up to me so tightly that I had no room to roll over or regain any sort of a comfortable sleeping position. And, he was breathing on me.

*sigh*

I don't know… It seems like I slept much better with other overnight guests, but they were better at staying on their side of the bed. I like 'proximity' to masculine energy. Not 'contact'.

It would be really nice to get some sleep. But, I don't have a whole lot of hope for that right now.

Caring a little less about the Blue Falcon...

Does that make me a horrible person?

I’m amazing myself here and there with how much I think about the Blue Falcon.

Not the risks, but the rewards.

Don't get me wrong, I still care about Copperhead, but with the way he's gone radio silent on me it's obvious that he's working on moving on. Also, deep down, I know he would still want the Blue Falcon to find some sort of happiness, as long as he didn't have to hear about it.

I'm going to text the Blue Falcon later, just to see if we're still on for Monday.

Hopefully he hasn't forgotten about me.

And, that's really all I have to report this morning.

The most recent Ghost story seems to continue to do well with the small handful of fans that I have for it.

I need to get on top of some critiques though. Karma is a bitch. I don't dare launch into another revision today because , on average, they've been taking me about 5 hours. I'm really looking forward to hearing what the thoughts are on my chapter 10.  *evil grin*  That sex scene is one of the hottest (for me, anyway) things I've ever written.

It's my weekend with the Unicorn. So, probably going to be shorter entries today and tomorrow.

And... still hoping to avoid the Blue Falcon...

Still no word from Copperhead.

I'm pretty sure he's pulling back and moving on. I'm okay with that. I really didn't like putting him in a position where I could hurt him. Oh hell, who am I trying to kid? I DID hurt him.

He seems strong, though. So, I'm sure he'll be okay.

I haven't heard from the Blue Falcon either. But, I've not bugged him either. The last message I sent his way wasn't responded to until late at night and he mentioned that he'd been very busy.

I might toss a text at him tomorrow, just hoping that he's still up for meeting this coming Monday.

--

I’m only working on my second cup of coffee as I write this. But, the plan for today is to stop at 3.

I'm going to wait until Monday to get started on the yoga again, though. Which is also messed up because just as I have the yoga back, I should be getting my blood moon.

GAH!

Fuck this shit.

--

Things with Bran continue to improve. He knows I'm happy with my sweeties and that I'm doing okay without him. But, I am still very clear that I want him home with me.

However, I've ALSO been clear with him on my ability to fully move on if he does decide not to come home or anything like that.

He's going to be very busy with two to three jobs when he gets back. So, it's good that we had this time apart. This way he knows I'll be okay without him and that I will keep things going with my sweeties so that I'm not alone too much while he's working.

--

Then, there's also the writing.

I'm getting fucking good at this shit!!

I have a very small handful of loyal fans. But, they're really letting me know that I have something special. I'm looking forward to writing more and more every day.

I'm still thankful for Gingersnap. He was the one who got me writing again. And, maybe that's all he was good for. Either way, you know me. I don't chase people anymore.

I move on fast.

Go me.

Hoping to avoid the Blue Falcon...

Got to bed and woke up exactly on time. Today is still an extra cup of coffee and no yoga.

Tomorrow we ratchet back on caffeine consumption.

I will probably do the Unicorn's days without the yoga and then start ramping up on that next Monday.

Monday should be interesting.

I have a date.

There is no code name, yet. I'm waiting to have the Sweetie talk with him and for him to decide whether or not he wishes to pursue a Sweetieship with me.

I remain hopeful.

I'm worried about Copperhead.

I think it became clear to him during his visit that things weren't intended to get serious between us. I know he covers it up, but I believe his heart is much more fragile than he lets on. I told him I wouldn't be hurt or upset if he decided to take some time and distance to re-acclimate to things as they are.

I want him to get over me on his own time.

I haven't heard from him since.

I've double checked my FetLife profile, and my current relationship status with Bran was right there at the top. Same as my OKC and CuddleComfort profiles. So, how he missed it, I'm not sure.

I won't deny that we had chemistry.

But, I think it's for the better if we ratchet all the way back to 'just friends'. Poor guy.

My other fear there:

He wing manned his buddy into position with me. That's my date this coming Monday. So, what happens if the buddy is more cool with the open relationship thing? The last thing I want is anyone getting initiated into the noble order of the Blue Falcon.

*sigh*

Zombie moan "Cooooffffeeeee..."

Got a chance to catch up on sleep.

Still on four cups of coffee…

Step one is to begin waking up on time.

Step two is ratcheting that back to 3 cups.

Step three is to restart the yoga lightly and then gradually ramp that back up to normal.

I'm second guessing my decision to have an extended house guest. *sigh* when it really comes down to it, the lack of sleep just wasn't worth it.

I'm skipping the INR today. Dangerous, I know, but I need some time to try and get back to my normal productivity.

I'm well fed.

I think I can go a few days (maybe more) without feeding again.

There are some potentials that I really am not attracted to. I think I need to cut ties with them.

I have a hopeful. But, it's only going to work if I can somehow convince him to join the Noble Order of the Blue Falcon.

Ugh…

Fuck me.

Quite literally.

Under-rested and over-tired...

So sorry for not posting yesterday. I was with Copperhead.  *smile* He's super sweet, and I'm looking forward to writing a review of him on his Fet profile.

I don’t have a code name for his friend yet. So we're calling this Friend, for now, again.

They came over Sunday night with every intent of fulfilling my double penetration fantasy. It didn't happen though. I was just too nervous about my body. And something else just felt 'off' about it. It took me a bit to figure out that it was Copperhead. As much as he wanted to wing man his buddy into getting laid. His emotional attachment to me, as well as his pure monogamous nature, made it really difficult for him.

I did enjoy some private time with Friend. And I did like it more when it was both of them. But, I think it's for the best that I let Copperhead go.

Friend and I still intend to hang out, though.

So… in the interest of protecting Copperhead's fragile heart. I think it's best that I step back and let him heal from his emotional attachment to me.

Not sure how Friend feels about open relationships. I need to find out. He seems like he'd be exquisite sweetie material.

--

Bran and I are okay. In a lot of ways his leaving has really fucked me over financially. It's causing problems with the bill payers because I don't have the extra cushion in my budget for them to pay my bills in a timely manner. My case worker is getting a lot of push back on this. But I can't afford to keep using my poor petty cash fund to keep paying my phone bill. 

Grr…

--

I'm not making a very coherent entry. I really didn't sleep last night.

On ramblings and silver linings...

Because it's not really winter if I don't wake up to at least one nose bleed.

Read as: Bleh! Yuk!!

Today I set things in motion that will be very hard for me to ratchet back once things have reached their conclusion with Copperhead. I'm fucking off the yoga and drinking my extra cup of coffee until Wednesday, where I will resume my normal morning routine.

These things I will, no doubt, come to regret this coming Wednesday.

But.

OH HELLA FUCK IT! I’m going to party today.

--

I started reading a shitty book. It's so bad I can barely tolerate it. I've started a Scrib-Forum discussion on whether or not I should keep reading it, just so I can learn what not to do as an author. Find the good in the bad. Silver linings and such. But, ye gods, it's hard.

Maybe if I just limit myself to a page a day?

Yeah. I think that might work.

--

I'm looking forward to Copperhead's visit.

I admit to some anxiety about this. On many levels… 'what if he doesn't like me?', 'what if he likes me too much?'.

How will I adjust to suit his needs while he's with me?

How do I return to my world of 'many lovers' once he is gone?

How can I make this good for him, without hurting him?

He tells me to just relax. Let it be. He's willing to suffer just to have these few days with me. 'Just take it' he says. 'Be my cherished fuck toy and let me pamper you and treat you right'.

Ahh…

There it is, you see it?

'treat you right'.

That's the real trouble with this whole fucking thing.

Not just my inherent feelings of negative self-worth… but the 'I've been treated so bad, for so long, that I don't know how to respond when someone treats me better.'

Fuck me.

Um, okay…

I can work with this.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

And, HEY! I'm getting better, RIGHT?! I mean, I let Alpha in! Didn't I? Before he went all bible thumping Jesus freak on me and ruined the whole fucking thing.

Oh, btw, I might have found a Narcissist to game. LOL (just sayin')

Okay…

If I let Alpha in. There's no reason to believe that I can't let Copperhead in.

And that's just what I have to do.

I've earned this.

I've earned some healing.

It's long overdue.

Quiet times...

Last night I got a quiet night in.

It's been awhile since I've had that.

I wasn't even emailing excessively with Copperhead.

Okay, so, let's rewind for a sec here.

Yesterday morning I had to get up an hour early (bullshit medical appointment). I forgot about that the night before and I didn't go to bed early. So, I was getting up on an hours less of sleep and then it was the normal coffee routine, but skipping the yoga.

So, yesterday afternoon. Prevening'ish (4 pm, or so) I got SUPER tired. Like, lay down and just watch the trash TV level tired. I even dozed off a few times.

I blame this on a) the lower sleep time/quality, and b) the carb heavy pasta lunch.

I was awake again by the evening though. I spent that time reading more of someone's work, and not submitting any critiques because they were all locked.

I’m ready to start another book today.

As far as my 'read other erotica and find out what works'. Omg… can I really force myself to read more of the one I just started? The writing is TERRIBLE! - So, I suppose I SHOULD keep taking notes. I need to know what DOESN'T work just as much as I need to know what does work.

No real plans for today. No dates. Just the work.

I might even fuck off the yoga until Wednesday. I'm not sure yet.

Cherished Fuck Toy:

I know I said I'd keep you updated on Copperheads thoughts regarding my fantasy.

What he had to say actually surprised me: The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.

I know that line. It's from an Offspring song.

But, I get it. He has a stake in making this work. Not only does he a) want to fulfill my fantasy, but b) he wants to get his buddy laid. Both Buddy and I are so important to him that he's willing to stuff his feelings of jealousy just to make this happen.

Granted, this doesn't really make me feel any better about things. But, following, he simply clued me in on the sort of 'after care' that he needs to get through this unscathed.

Aftercare:

1. As soon as Buddy leaves, Copperhead is going to drag me to the bath/shower, where he will personally wash me with great care.
2. After drying me off, he's going to lead me to the bedroom where I will be the recipient of as much loving touch as he can give me.
3. He's going to fuck me stupid.

Cherished fuck toy, he's calling it. He wants all the time in the world to touch and kiss me everywhere until he's hard enough to go at me again. And then it will be rough, just the way I love it. Manhandling me while he goes hard and deep.

How do I even come up with the words to explain how much I swoon at the thought of that?

Cherished fuck toy.

I love it.

--

In other news, I had a date last night that I feel is a strong preview for what Copperhead has in store for me. This gentleman (no code name, yet) is a strong giver as well. I received a full back massage before he fucked the hell out of me. Oil included.

I'm working on being a better receiver and not complaining about having to take so much attention. That low self-worth thing is a bunch of bullshit, and I know that I need to get used to a guy spoiling me with loving touch and deep, passionate sex.

Last nights guy told me I was doing just fine as a receiver.

He was good, too.

So wonderful.

On compassion...

I'm seriously considering backing out on the 'double penetration fantasy threesome' on Sunday.

Copperhead and I have been getting deeper and deeper in our conversation, and the deeper we go the more I realize that sharing me is hurting him.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stop with my sweeties. Copperhead can't give me the stability of consistent masculine energy. He's leaving to live in a whole 'nother state soon. We are going to have a couple days together, but after that… it will be nothing. He'll be another long distance relationship that's further away from me than Bran is right now. You know I can't survive that.

But… that doesn't mean that I have to hurt him while he is with me. And, it especially doesn't mean that I should just leave him out on the couch in the living room while I get some alone time with his friend to make the friend comfortable with me.

This is hurting him. And I'm not sure it's worth the price of hurting him.

There will always be another opportunity for me to have that threesome with a couple of good friends that are completely okay with it.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that letting go with them is going to be difficult. I just can't bear to cause Copperhead any pain.

I'll keep you updated as events unfold. I only wrote to Copperhead this morning about my possibly backing out. We'll see if he can suck it up enough for us all to move forward. But, I will not judge him one bit if he agrees that we shouldn't go through with it.

My friend/relationship with him is more important than my fantasy.

Chutes and Ladders...

So, about that someone new…

We've code named him Copperhead, like the snake. We have our reasons.

The email exchanges between Copperhead and I have been amazing. We're so well matched in terms of our Dom/sub styles. Nothing fancy. Just intense fucking designed to make me feel both cherished and used at the same time. I'm his princess slut, and he loves it.

He also has a thing for succubae, so we're phenomenal there.

OH! And, much to my surprise, I'm still in for a DP treat when he arrives with his friend on Sunday. I'm so excited and nervous about this for many reasons, but the first being a) my body shame, and then b) friend doesn't feel comfortable with anal, leaving me to handle Copperhead's rather sizable snake.

I'm hopeful though.

Yesterday I told Val the whole story about Alpha. And she's so proud of me. I also mentioned the guy who keeps trying to get me to go out on a date with him, despite giving me zero chemistry to go on. Val and I discussed how I'm able to just pick and choose right now because the boys are just flocking to me.

We compared me to the bear at the top of the stream who is just snatching tasty salmon right out of the air and getting his treat. *gurrauwl!*

Then we discussed how my spotting Alpha's narcissism worked in my favor, and how a further encounter with a narcissist might actually be a good thing for me.

You see, Borderlines can't see our own self worth. No matter how much we're told that we're valued, we just can't see it. It never really sinks in. We can minimize our shame and feelings of worthlessness. But we can never fully make them go away.

Narcissists FEED on that kind of despair. They build us up and then they break us down.

But, if I'm in a place where I can *see* the narcissist… HEH… that mirror they hold up does me the most GOOD. I can spend hours just basking in my own glow until the narcissist either takes away the mirror (in which case, I drop them) or, he gets fed up with the fact that he can't gaslight me and he leaves on his own.

Either way, I win.

And…

Dammit…

So, that makes ME my own ALPHA!!  LOL!! 

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!

Tired today...

There's someone new.

No date yet. But he's coming over this coming Sunday.

We met on Fet, and we've really enjoyed getting to know each other. I feel like I should code name him. But, so far nothing his coming to mind. It might be beneficial for me to ask him what he would like in a code name.

He has no car, and was planning on getting to my place with a friend. Making it a 3-person date. I asked about fulfilling my double penetration fantasy, and at first they were both game. But then his friend started to back out. I'm not offended. I feel like I want my primal lover to have me all to himself. We've discussed him spending the night and everything.

We can't make a full relationship out of this. His parents are local, but he's not. He's just here to visit. I'm okay with that. He really wants to treat me like his princess/slut and I love how much we've been flirting and teasing each other.

He's been taking my mind off Alpha, a lot.

I have other boys too. More to take my mind off Alpha.

I think it's interesting that every time I get dumped back in that dark hole, it only takes a few days for me to stop feeling bad. I feel like I'm over Alpha now. Even though I still miss him.

Sorry I'm so disjointed today. I'm really having a hard time waking up.

I don't want to fuck off the yoga another day. I need to wake up… *grr*

--

There's someone else who has been more of an irritation than anything. He keeps asking when we're going to go out on our date and telling me to stop being shy. He even sent me a picture of a sex toy and lube. *sigh* dude, whatever. I've told him more than once that I feel no chemistry with him. And I've let him know that it's not that I CAN'T feel chemistry. It's just that I feel nothing for him, specifically.

--

Come on brain. Wake the fuck up already.

AND, We're BACK! - FUCK YEAH -

I had a date very late last night, so I'm just barely getting started today and it's already noon.

My date wasn't up to much more than eating the white chili I made for him. I'm a little sad that I wasted the white chili on him, but I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go grocery shopping soon. That was the last of my vat-o-soup ingredients. Maybe I can still figure out something with the pound and a half of hamburger I have left, but it's doubtful. Unless I do one of those nasty knock-off hamburger helpers.

My date got here after a 10-12 hour work day, so he wasn't up to much. The energy was all off because he was tired, so I didn't get the opportunity to feed.

Good chance Victor will be coming over tonight after he gets off of work. If that happens I will be able to feed, no problem.

It's so needed!! After Alpha I feel drained and sad. The depression is just killing me.

So far, I have dates every night this week until Friday. And I'm sure my Friday slot will fill up soon.

My date for this coming Sunday should be VERY interesting.

Another guy I met on Fet. No code name yet, and he might not get one. He's only visiting in my area for a limited time, but he hit me up anyway. So, the plan was to get a ride with a more local friend, and somehow get left with me? - Like, all fine and good, but how are you getting home, love?

Then I asked him how close he was with his friend, and mentioned my interest in double penetration.

OH WOW! Did that spark a discussion between them, LOL!!

They're both totally in. So am I!

I can't wait.

This guy is a Primal. He can give me so much of what I need to heal. His friend will just be an added perk, but one I'm sure to enjoy as well.

Ye, mother fucking, Godz…

I love being a Cougar!!

Beautiful Reflections...

The purpose of a good narcissist is to hold up a mirror. One should always trust that light, because it is truly the deepest reflection of their inner self.

Untreated, narcissists and borderlines are the worst combination. A borderline can't see their own goodness without a mirror, and a narcissist will start off that relationship by holding up the best mirror. Then, once the borderline is trapped, like a bug in amber, they will take the mirror away. The borderline fear of abandonment goes into a frantic state of trying to get that mirror back, when the light was truly inside them all along.

Treated… Hah…

The borderline can totally call the narcissist on his bullshit.

I love what Alpha showed me. I recognize that it was my deepest inner truth that he was showing me. That the sense of absolute safety and trust comes from deep within me. All I have to do is learn how to be my own mirror.

I regret nothing.

I don't even regret wasting the name Alpha on him. He was only showing me the Alpha within me.

Ye gods… I hope he isn't reading this. He has the link.

I still love him.

I know the pain he caused wasn't intentional. Deep down he truly does believe that he espouses perfect unconditional love. He hasn't quite grown enough to realize that unconditional love means nothing if it comes with a list of terms and conditions. *scoff* It's laughable when you really think about it.

I will always love him.

I will always miss the way he made me feel.

But, here I am again. Right back on my own two feet where I belong.

Yeah…

'Cause I really am that kind of awesome.

On longings...

On longings.

Both last night and today I sent Alpha messages telling him that I present no contest with his God. If his God has made the request that he end things with me, then I will not fight his ruling. I've told him that it will hurt like hell, yes. But, I've also told him that I'm strong enough to survive the pain. In my message today, I only requested that he mail a trinket back to me, and I told him not to worry.

Yet.

There is a part of me that wants him to worry. There is a part of me that wants him to question the authority of his God in relation to me. Yes, fuck it, I admit it, there IS a part of me that wishes he would choose me.

*sigh*

Just breathe, Angel. If it's meant to be, it'll find a way…

If I received any reply at all, these are the words I would want to hear:

Precious ImariiStarre,

Thank you so much for your concern for me and for my God. I can tell by the strength in your words that you will get through this. But, I am saddened by the pain I know I've caused you.

I cherished my every moment with you, and I told you to avoid the kinds of assholes who would be fake with you and try to harm you. I told you that I only wanted good things for you. And then I turned out to be the exact kind of asshole who would get in the way of your happiness and your peace.

I regret nothing of my night with you, but I do regret that my God had demanded a sacrifice. Hearing your sweet words and knowing the pain behind them have caused me to question my God. You hoped for a peaceful resolution and I hoped the same.

My God is gracious and kind. He sees your goodness as much as I do. I have sat and prayed for hours for his guidance and what I have received is this.

If you can refrain from talking about those you worship/serve, my God is willing to allow you back into my arms. As long as you do not push him by causing me to question my faith and my love for him, I may continue where we left off.

I can protect you, and keep you safe, forever my darling. Or at least until you no longer need me anymore.

Tell me, my precious Angel. Can you abide by the wishes of my God?

I know these are the words I will never hear.

I already know by his silence that he's gone, and I've lost him forever. I know that the Unicorn has told me that every broken heart is just leading me up to my boss fight, where I will finally be happy with someone, forever.

I can't not want that person to be him. At least not right now. I know a new sweetie will come my way, and I’m okay with that.

In the end… my only regret is that I wasted the name Alpha on him.

Don't tear me down, for all I need...

And, so, here we are again.

Another fucking rejection. Another man I thought could love me. Gingersnap is gone… Foxtrot can't communicate what he wants… and now Alpha is dumping me for spiritual reasons.

He says he has love for me, but his God is diametrically opposed to the gods I worship/serve.

He pretty much said that his God wants him to 'break up' with me, or 'not continue', or whatever the hell.

Now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not angry.

I'm hurt, yes. I'm completely devastated and broken hearted, yes. But I'm not broken. I've made it through worse than this and I know I'll be okay.

Last night it was hard to stuff/hide my tears so that the Unicorn didn't know just how much I was hurting. I felt the hole in my chest as if my heart had been torn from my chest. Bran tried to cheer me up pictures of Mo and sentiments about hot sex with me. And, while I appreciate the thought, Bran just doesn't make me feel safe anymore. In fact, I'm next to positive that he will never make me feel safe again. I trusted him once, and he did break that trust. He's proven that in extenuating circumstances, he will be disloyal to me. I'm not angry with Bran either. I'm just being clear with myself that I will never be able to fully trust Bran again.

Bran and I need to go back to where we started. We need to be in that place where my loving him isn't about how much I can trust him. It's about how comfortable I can be with the fact that I can't. I'm okay with that. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet without that albatross around my neck anyway. So, it's for the best. It still hurts… everything that happened with *her*. It will never stop hurting… but, again. I won't break. It's just one more thing that I have to survive.

Fuck… this does hurt.

I wrote a very kind note to Alpha this morning. I thanked him for giving me that one shining night of safety and protection in his arms. I told him that just being able to feel that for one night was worth any pain. I didn't lie.

But, this does put me in a hard place.

Now I KNOW that it's possible for someone to care about me. I know it's possible for someone to come for me, want to protect me, want to make me feel safe, want to make me feel precious and cherished.

I've survived the last year by lying to myself and telling myself that none of those things are possible. Even though I had my hopes with Gingersnap… hell, even Foxtrot and Echo.

So, where do I survive from here?

Do I go back to lying to myself again? Just so I can keep putting one foot in front of the other?

Or do I hold onto hope?

*sigh*

One good thing… I had that happened last night. I was lying in bed and letting the tears come freely. Quietly, but freely. And then all of the sudden the hole in my chest was gone.

It felt like I'd already gone through a weeks worth of heart healing. It felt like moving on.

I asked Bastian about that this morning. I had my suspicions that Eros intervened. I was correct. Bastian told me that he had gone to Eros for help.

Bastian also told me that Alpha was another him.

He said that he (Bastian) will never stop coming for me. He will never stop trying to find me. I can't trust Bran anymore. So he (Bastian) will never stop trying to save me.

He said that he just wants me to stay open, so he can find me. He'll incarnate as many times as it takes to make this right. He will heal me. No matter what.

*sigh again*

Okay.

Gods… but this does still hurt though.

I still hope Alpha will sort things out with his God and that he will still be there for me… but deep down I know that can't happen.

Fine.

I'll get through this alone.

Banishing Ghosts...

I didn't hear from Alpha for most of yesterday. There was a 'good morning' message, but then it was left at that.

I was only a _little_ worried.

On the one hand, I had the good morning message, as well as the goodnight message from the night before. I also had the fresh sensations of those strong arms wrapped around me and his essence inside me, keeping him close.

But… all the ghosting lately… all the abandonment. It was so hard to keep my spirits up.

However…

There was an 'honorable mention' in the evening. Just one of those 'surprise OKC' connections that moved very quickly to the 'hook up' phase. I'm not ashamed. You know I don't slut shame myself. But, get this… almost as soon as the dude was back out of my door, I was blocked from his OKC profile. LOL

And you know what? The rejection didn't even sting. Not the slightest little bit.

All through the 'I should feel rejected' and the 'where did I go wrong?'s' -- I just had Alpha with me. Still in my heart… still feeling those strong arms around me. Still with me…

Still with me…

Then… *warm sigh* just as I was heading to bed I received a goodnight message. Alpha explained why he'd been radio silent during the day. He apologized. It was fine. It was all okay.

Oh… ye gods… where are my words?

How can I adequately express what his presence does to me?

I've always wanted this, you know?

As strong as I am now, and as much as I keep telling people that I don't need to be saved. I've always wanted to be smothered in someone's love and protection. I've always just wanted to let that lost little girl come to the surface so she can be held the way I've never been held.

The way he holds me.

I didn't just want it.

I needed it.

And he knew that… he could feel it.

He needed it too. On the giving end. He has SO MUCH LOVE to GIVE… I could sense how much it hurt him that no one had ever fully opened up to him. No one had ever let him in the way that I was letting him in.

We just meshed so perfectly in that regard.

I can't wait to see him again… my beloved Alpha.

I do need to have 'the talk' with him, though. Don't get me wrong, I trust him completely and I know that he'd never do anything to harm me. But, I need to make sure that his sense of protection doesn't get the wrong idea about me and Bran. I need to make sure that Alpha knows how much I love Bran and how Bran needs to be the central figure in my life.

I hope Alpha's okay with it. I hope he can be okay sharing. I hope I can be enough for him as an intermittent partner when Bran returns. It would devastate me to lose Alpha for any reason. But, nothing in the world could hurt more than losing him to another woman who's only merits are that she's not already attached.

If Alpha somehow found himself in the same position as Set right before Set dumped me for that skeeze.

Oh, the pain. It would hurt so much.

I'd survive it.

But damn…

It would hurt.