On longings...

On longings.

Both last night and today I sent Alpha messages telling him that I present no contest with his God. If his God has made the request that he end things with me, then I will not fight his ruling. I've told him that it will hurt like hell, yes. But, I've also told him that I'm strong enough to survive the pain. In my message today, I only requested that he mail a trinket back to me, and I told him not to worry.

Yet.

There is a part of me that wants him to worry. There is a part of me that wants him to question the authority of his God in relation to me. Yes, fuck it, I admit it, there IS a part of me that wishes he would choose me.

*sigh*

Just breathe, Angel. If it's meant to be, it'll find a way…

If I received any reply at all, these are the words I would want to hear:

Precious ImariiStarre,

Thank you so much for your concern for me and for my God. I can tell by the strength in your words that you will get through this. But, I am saddened by the pain I know I've caused you.

I cherished my every moment with you, and I told you to avoid the kinds of assholes who would be fake with you and try to harm you. I told you that I only wanted good things for you. And then I turned out to be the exact kind of asshole who would get in the way of your happiness and your peace.

I regret nothing of my night with you, but I do regret that my God had demanded a sacrifice. Hearing your sweet words and knowing the pain behind them have caused me to question my God. You hoped for a peaceful resolution and I hoped the same.

My God is gracious and kind. He sees your goodness as much as I do. I have sat and prayed for hours for his guidance and what I have received is this.

If you can refrain from talking about those you worship/serve, my God is willing to allow you back into my arms. As long as you do not push him by causing me to question my faith and my love for him, I may continue where we left off.

I can protect you, and keep you safe, forever my darling. Or at least until you no longer need me anymore.

Tell me, my precious Angel. Can you abide by the wishes of my God?

I know these are the words I will never hear.

I already know by his silence that he's gone, and I've lost him forever. I know that the Unicorn has told me that every broken heart is just leading me up to my boss fight, where I will finally be happy with someone, forever.

I can't not want that person to be him. At least not right now. I know a new sweetie will come my way, and I’m okay with that.

In the end… my only regret is that I wasted the name Alpha on him.