PTSD Blues...

I'm not proud of how things went with Bran last night.

Yesterday morning I woke up from a Post Trauma nightmare about _her_. There she was, still in my life. Still in his life. Still treating me like shit. Still gaslighting me. Still making him treat me like shit. Still making him blame me as the toxic one.

I still think those last two parts are the worst.

The fact that she was gaslighting me the whole time. The fact that he was taking her side and calling me the toxic one.

How could he do that to me?

Him, of all people?

How could he support an abuser in my life?

I just feel so betrayed.

I had only just gotten to a place in my life where I'd healed enough from the Unicorn's father that I was willing to fully let go and trust Bran. And then he lets someone betray all that trust.

Last night I ended up crying on the phone with Bran. I ended up yelling at him. I ended up placing all the blame squarely on him.

I will give him props. He didn't fight it.

I'll give myself props too. I didn't wail on him for not going for the emotional validation first. I just told him to stop talking and that he was only digging himself in deeper. That got him to shift into validation mode.

But, I know he's lost.

He doesn't know how to make it right. He doesn't know how to help me. He doesn't know how to make this up to me. He must feel so trapped in all that uncertainty. He must be so worried about losing me.

I should message him and tell him it's okay.

--

Okay… message sent… but, I'm not sure when he'll get it. He should be at work by now.

I have a new potential who would like to spend some time with me tonight. But, I'm not sure how I feel about him, yet. It might be just that I need to wake up more.

--

I'm crying now.

*sigh*

Fuck… that means I'm off my center and the Yoga is going to come out as too forced instead of something that I want/need to do.

Also, I just broke into my new coffee bag. 3rd cup is a mix of that and my old/cheap coffee. I might be due for an extra cup of the pure new stuff to enjoy it.

I think today is an extra cup and fuck off the yoga day.