And, so, here we are
again.
Another fucking
rejection. Another man I thought could love me. Gingersnap is gone… Foxtrot
can't communicate what he wants… and now Alpha is dumping me for spiritual
reasons.
He says he has love
for me, but his God is diametrically opposed to the gods I worship/serve.
He pretty much said
that his God wants him to 'break up' with me, or 'not continue', or whatever
the hell.
Now. Don't get me
wrong. I'm not angry.
I'm hurt, yes. I'm
completely devastated and broken hearted, yes. But I'm not broken. I've made it
through worse than this and I know I'll be okay.
Last night it was
hard to stuff/hide my tears so that the Unicorn didn't know just how much I was
hurting. I felt the hole in my chest as if my heart had been torn from my
chest. Bran tried to cheer me up pictures of Mo and sentiments about hot sex
with me. And, while I appreciate the thought, Bran just doesn't make me feel
safe anymore. In fact, I'm next to positive that he will never make me feel
safe again. I trusted him once, and he did break that trust. He's proven that
in extenuating circumstances, he will be disloyal to me. I'm not angry with
Bran either. I'm just being clear with myself that I will never be able to
fully trust Bran again.
Bran and I need to
go back to where we started. We need to be in that place where my loving him
isn't about how much I can trust him. It's about how comfortable I can be with
the fact that I can't. I'm okay with that. I need to be able to stand on my own
two feet without that albatross around my neck anyway. So, it's for the best.
It still hurts… everything that happened with *her*. It will never stop
hurting… but, again. I won't break. It's just one more thing that I have to
survive.
Fuck… this does
hurt.
I wrote a very kind
note to Alpha this morning. I thanked him for giving me that one shining night
of safety and protection in his arms. I told him that just being able to feel
that for one night was worth any pain. I didn't lie.
But, this does put
me in a hard place.
Now I KNOW that it's
possible for someone to care about me. I know it's possible for someone to come
for me, want to protect me, want to make me feel safe, want to make me feel
precious and cherished.
I've survived the
last year by lying to myself and telling myself that none of those things are
possible. Even though I had my hopes with Gingersnap… hell, even Foxtrot and
Echo.
So, where do I
survive from here?
Do I go back to
lying to myself again? Just so I can keep putting one foot in front of the
other?
Or do I hold onto
hope?
*sigh*
One good thing… I
had that happened last night. I was lying in bed and letting the tears come
freely. Quietly, but freely. And then all of the sudden the hole in my chest
was gone.
It felt like I'd
already gone through a weeks worth of heart healing. It felt like moving on.
I asked Bastian
about that this morning. I had my suspicions that Eros intervened. I was
correct. Bastian told me that he had gone to Eros for help.
Bastian also told me
that Alpha was another him.
He said that he
(Bastian) will never stop coming for me. He will never stop trying to find me.
I can't trust Bran anymore. So he (Bastian) will never stop trying to save me.
He said that he just
wants me to stay open, so he can find me. He'll incarnate as many times as it
takes to make this right. He will heal me. No matter what.
*sigh again*
Okay.
Gods… but this does
still hurt though.
I still hope Alpha
will sort things out with his God and that he will still be there for me… but
deep down I know that can't happen.
Fine.
I'll get through
this alone.
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