Well, this day
didn't go as I'd fucking planned.
I’m already fucked
up about a) fresh PTSD, but now also b) the possibility of losing Foxtrot.
My head just isn't
in the game.
I was able to force
myself to do the pre-yoga warm up, and the yoga itself. But something happened
between then and now.
He doesn't have a
code name (yet), but he's an ultra horny virgin who kind of reminds me of
Mahaugany in some ways. He inspires that critical right of passage of guiding a
young lover past all that anxiety, and opening him up to the vast world of
sexual experience.
You know me.
I can't take
something like that lightly.
I’m a sex mage, for
goddess sake! This shit is crucial! There's no greater honor and I can't fuck
it up! (no pun intended)
Okay, so I claim
100% responsibility here. It was all my own fucking fault, and I know that. I
enticed him with pictures. I let him know what he was getting into. And he's
just champing at the bit now.
So… even with the
social anxiety being triggered by the PTSD and the Abandonment Issues, I still
put forth my best efforts to meet with him for a date today. I _DID_ share my
anxieties with him, and I told him that I was working on overcoming them.
But… the poor kid
went deep into 'horny virgin' mode. Requesting pics and video's to excess. He
(through no fault of his own) triggered my social anxiety to the point where I
have to back out today.
--
My one bit of good
news is code name Victor.
Good guy.
Experienced Dom. SUPER gentle!! (in words, anyway) He totally understands the
sit back and 'listen' part. He totally gave emotional validation without having
to be prompted.
He's been there for
me… really there for me.
He has me hopeful.
I need him now. I
admit it. I even sent him a message telling him as much. I didn't give
specifics, because I'm waiting on a reply. I just told him that I need someone
with his level of understanding, care, and consideration. I need someone who
isn't absolutely Level 0 at dealing with complex emotional issues and sex.
I kinda blew up his
phone…
Okay… work now. I'm
going to watch a horror movie and try to take structure notes.
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