*sigh* I can do this... I swear...

This morning, I'm furious.

I didn't need this. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. This was another thing that was done TO me. This was another thing that I had no choice in.

I have fresh PTSD to contend with.

It's bad enough that I still suffer from the emotional/mental abuse of the Unicorn's father.

It's bad enough that I still have my minds inability to let the blood family shit rest in peace.

It's bad enough that I still have Set!

But now I have to add *her* to the mix.

All my trust, betrayed. My own soulmate turned against me. The neglect… the fights… the begging him… pleading with him to help me when my mind started to splinter, again.

Her ability to manipulate him against me just because she had the kids as leverage.

Now, the fact that she's still in my sphere, because she's still in his.

Who knows what the fuck is going on in that house when he shuts down communication. Who knows what he's doing with her in the name of keeping the peace from her drama.

Is he snuggling up to her?

Is he sleeping next to her?

Gods forbid, is he fucking her?

Fuck this shit.

I want her gone. All the way gone. I want her just as much in his rear view as she is in mine.

*sigh*

I hate this…

--

In other news, I almost lost Foxtrot last night.

*shrug* who knows. I might have lost him anyway.

Here's what happened, you be the judge:

I was talking to Bran again, about Foxtrot's post-coital depression. I'd been having an amazing week. Sex 3 nights with 4 different partners. And out of all of them, the guy who rocked my world the most probably thought he'd rocked my world the least.

So… I messaged Foxtrot, I told him as much.

He said that he was happy I enjoyed it, but he's realized that he can't be in a relationship based entirely on sex. He apologized for leading me on.

Um… OUCH!! And after all the PTSD shit being dredged up. Really, the absolutely last thing I needed was to lose my favorite Sweetie, again! I've already lost Mahaugany. Gingersnap, and now Echo too, both in the wind…

How the hell am I supposed to survive without Foxtrot?

So, I back peddled. I told him I thought we had a friendship and that sex was a nice side benefit.

We continued to chat into the night as friends. Sex wasn't brought up unless it was me telling him about other partners.

More to the fucking point, I shared with him how it's been a rough couple of days, and I've been crying a lot. You're NOT going to fucking believe this!! He managed to CHEER ME UP, *without* degenerating into emotional invalidation.

WHAT THE HELL?!

HOW THE FUCK?!

I'm not kidding. It wasn't even a 'one-two punch'. It was pure, and flawless, single stroke genius that made me laugh my ass off, while at the same time telling me that it was okay to not feel like laughing.

I thanked him.

He said he just couldn't 'not' do something. He said he couldn't just 'listen', he had to take action. But, even after I told him. Even after I explained. I still don't think he understands the kind of mastery over human emotion it would take to handle a Borderline with such expert care. He still doesn't get it.

Once again, the guy who rocked my world the most, probably feels like he rocked my world the least.

It's just his natural output. He's not even *trying* this shit. He's just doing it. What comes naturally to him and it just happens to be text book perfect 'this is how to handle a Borderline'.

Gods fucking dammit.

I don't want to lose him.

He says he doesn't mind if I bug him for conversations. (but, I'll keep it to a minimum, you know me).

I HOPE we can keep going as friends.

He confused me… like, really confused me.

I tried to tell him that I'd still be his friend even if he took sex off the table. And then he told me 'yeah, but the sex was the main reason I was willing to make the 40 minute drive'. - so, what the hell does that mean?

Does he still want the sex?

Does he not want the sex at all?

Are we friends?

Did he need to be 'more' than friends?

Did he need this to extend into a romantic entanglement?

I'm so confused.

I don't think I've lost him, though. He DID say I could still bug him. So, I know that he'll still be there for me if I really need him.

So… *sigh* here we go… I can do this!! I can stay friends, keep sex off the table, and hopefully… HOPEFULLY I'll uncover whether or not he needs me to love him.

I DID tell him about Mahaugany. He knows that I *can* love.

Now I just have to puzzle out if that's what he needs from me.