On ramblings and silver linings...

Because it's not really winter if I don't wake up to at least one nose bleed.

Read as: Bleh! Yuk!!

Today I set things in motion that will be very hard for me to ratchet back once things have reached their conclusion with Copperhead. I'm fucking off the yoga and drinking my extra cup of coffee until Wednesday, where I will resume my normal morning routine.

These things I will, no doubt, come to regret this coming Wednesday.

But.

OH HELLA FUCK IT! I’m going to party today.

--

I started reading a shitty book. It's so bad I can barely tolerate it. I've started a Scrib-Forum discussion on whether or not I should keep reading it, just so I can learn what not to do as an author. Find the good in the bad. Silver linings and such. But, ye gods, it's hard.

Maybe if I just limit myself to a page a day?

Yeah. I think that might work.

--

I'm looking forward to Copperhead's visit.

I admit to some anxiety about this. On many levels… 'what if he doesn't like me?', 'what if he likes me too much?'.

How will I adjust to suit his needs while he's with me?

How do I return to my world of 'many lovers' once he is gone?

How can I make this good for him, without hurting him?

He tells me to just relax. Let it be. He's willing to suffer just to have these few days with me. 'Just take it' he says. 'Be my cherished fuck toy and let me pamper you and treat you right'.

Ahh…

There it is, you see it?

'treat you right'.

That's the real trouble with this whole fucking thing.

Not just my inherent feelings of negative self-worth… but the 'I've been treated so bad, for so long, that I don't know how to respond when someone treats me better.'

Fuck me.

Um, okay…

I can work with this.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

And, HEY! I'm getting better, RIGHT?! I mean, I let Alpha in! Didn't I? Before he went all bible thumping Jesus freak on me and ruined the whole fucking thing.

Oh, btw, I might have found a Narcissist to game. LOL (just sayin')

Okay…

If I let Alpha in. There's no reason to believe that I can't let Copperhead in.

And that's just what I have to do.

I've earned this.

I've earned some healing.

It's long overdue.