Code Name ALPHA!!

Well, holy fuck… godz damn… I did not see that coming.

I mean… in a way, I should have. Law of Attraction, you know?

The energy I've been putting out has been bringing the most wonderful people into my life, but even then, none of the best ones really seemed to stick. After Foxtrot made it clear that I wasn't *quite* what he wanted (and confused the hell out of me by remaining my friend anyway) I did a lot of solitary sex magick.

I put that call out. I wanted someone who could make me feel the way that Foxtrot did. But, I left it open. It could be Foxtrot, or just someone who hit me on the levels that he did. Hell, it could even be better. Remember how I met Bran?

Then, there was the honorable mention of the kid that bolted. While he was in my arms, I was so hopeful that my search would have ended and then he ran with his tail between his legs.

I didn't expect what happened tonight.

It was a first date that I met on Fetlife. I hadn't even seen a picture of his face. I honestly just got into it because he offered to bring his massage table.

You know me. I always give as good as I get. But, I haven't had that kind of touch since Set. It's been a long time and I wanted to indulge.

What I got was way more than just a bodywork exchange.

What I got, was my Alpha.

Yes, you heard me right. The name I was saving. The name I would ONLY give to the most loving Dom out there. The name I didn't even grace Echo with (and I still haven't heard from him btw).

Yes, it started with the massage… but eventually it transcended into him just wanting to hold me close. Then it wasn't just hearing his words but feeling him. Feeling the truth of them. He kept saying things like "I've got you", "You are precious to me", "I cherish you", and yes, even "I love you."

Real love… and an intense desire to want good things for me.

And, ye gods, Alpha can inflict the pleasure!! He got some interesting sounds and screams out of me.

Okay… so, where am I with this one. Emotionally? *be honest with yourself, girl*

I can still feel him inside me. I swallowed his essence into me. I've never, not once in my life, felt so safe and so protected. Not even with Bran. You know how it was with Bran. Loving Bran was never about how much I could trust him. It was always about how comfortable I could be with the fact that I can't trust him at all.

I don't even know if Bran and I can get the trust fully back. He'd only just one me and then *she* happened.

I cried with Alpha.

No, I'm serious, read that again:

I cried WITH Alpha.

I didn't cry AT Alpha.

It wasn't a moment of weakness. It wasn't me begging for help that would never come.

I was vulnerable.

READ THAT AGAIN!!

What have I wanted, for years?!

All I've ever wanted in a Dom was someone who made me feel safe enough to take the armor off. All I wanted was to be in the arms of someone who was keeping me safe, watching over me, protecting me. I've only ever wanted someone who would let me drop my guard for once and rest.

And he said it, and projected it, over and over and over again… "I've got you… I've got you…"

He admitted to loving me…

When has anyone ever said "I love you" before I did?

But I felt it… in the way he held me.

I felt the way he was watching over me, keeping me safe. Loving me.

I didn't want him to leave… I still want him to come right back through my door.

I'm done pining for guys like Gingersnap and Foxtrot. I'm just fucking done.

All I feel right now is the tremendous sense of gratitude and the intense desire to be with him again. To be safe… to cry with him… oh… ye gods how I want to cry with him… I want hours of my pain finally coming to the surface and being released because he's there. Because I'm safe. Because I can finally let the pain go.

Thank you Alpha.

Please come back soon.