Banishing Ghosts...

I didn't hear from Alpha for most of yesterday. There was a 'good morning' message, but then it was left at that.

I was only a _little_ worried.

On the one hand, I had the good morning message, as well as the goodnight message from the night before. I also had the fresh sensations of those strong arms wrapped around me and his essence inside me, keeping him close.

But… all the ghosting lately… all the abandonment. It was so hard to keep my spirits up.

However…

There was an 'honorable mention' in the evening. Just one of those 'surprise OKC' connections that moved very quickly to the 'hook up' phase. I'm not ashamed. You know I don't slut shame myself. But, get this… almost as soon as the dude was back out of my door, I was blocked from his OKC profile. LOL

And you know what? The rejection didn't even sting. Not the slightest little bit.

All through the 'I should feel rejected' and the 'where did I go wrong?'s' -- I just had Alpha with me. Still in my heart… still feeling those strong arms around me. Still with me…

Still with me…

Then… *warm sigh* just as I was heading to bed I received a goodnight message. Alpha explained why he'd been radio silent during the day. He apologized. It was fine. It was all okay.

Oh… ye gods… where are my words?

How can I adequately express what his presence does to me?

I've always wanted this, you know?

As strong as I am now, and as much as I keep telling people that I don't need to be saved. I've always wanted to be smothered in someone's love and protection. I've always just wanted to let that lost little girl come to the surface so she can be held the way I've never been held.

The way he holds me.

I didn't just want it.

I needed it.

And he knew that… he could feel it.

He needed it too. On the giving end. He has SO MUCH LOVE to GIVE… I could sense how much it hurt him that no one had ever fully opened up to him. No one had ever let him in the way that I was letting him in.

We just meshed so perfectly in that regard.

I can't wait to see him again… my beloved Alpha.

I do need to have 'the talk' with him, though. Don't get me wrong, I trust him completely and I know that he'd never do anything to harm me. But, I need to make sure that his sense of protection doesn't get the wrong idea about me and Bran. I need to make sure that Alpha knows how much I love Bran and how Bran needs to be the central figure in my life.

I hope Alpha's okay with it. I hope he can be okay sharing. I hope I can be enough for him as an intermittent partner when Bran returns. It would devastate me to lose Alpha for any reason. But, nothing in the world could hurt more than losing him to another woman who's only merits are that she's not already attached.

If Alpha somehow found himself in the same position as Set right before Set dumped me for that skeeze.

Oh, the pain. It would hurt so much.

I'd survive it.

But damn…

It would hurt.