You know I always
take these introspective journeys in the days after an intimate encounter. My
mind likes to take its time locking onto that 'one thing' that made that
encounter so special in my eyes.
Like the time with a
former lover, where he was the first person who had grabbed fistfulls of hair
and then forced my mouth down over my cock… that was the introspective where I
learned how much I love face fucking. And, indeed, the inception of my fantasy
regarding my gag reflex. I would love to have no gag reflex whatsoever… just
being able to take a thorough throat fucking would make me so very happy.
Okay… so, to take it
to more recent introspections:
Gingersnap… how hard
he laughed when I told him that I do my yoga to heavy metal. *smile* He thought
that was so fucking cool. And, also, the way he read so much of my current
narrative. How he had quite literally 'researched' me. He knew exactly how to touch
me, how to grab my hair, how to kiss me, and how to fuck me.
Foxtrot… ye gods…
that amazing smile of his. How many times I opened my eyes to see the way he
was smiling down at me. How this beautiful creature who is light years out of
my league was taking so much pleasure in his time with me… fuck… I'm going to
miss the hell out of that smile.
And here we are.
Alpha…
It was the sense of
absolute safety and trust. Or, more to the point, how many times he said MY
lines!!!
I've made kindness
my mission for just about a year now. It's been about a year since I came to
grips with the fact that no one was coming for me. No one was going to rescue
me. No one would ever care enough to want my wounds to heal properly, and once
in for all… For over a year, I've held onto the notion that if I just turn my
kindness outward, eventually that vibration would call a kindness back to me.
Only, I forced
myself to forget the second part.
Being the kindness
was always about the others. But, I always LIED TO MYSELF about the fact that I
wanted that kindness to come to me.
Deep down… and it
terrifies me to say it…
How deep down I've
wanted and truly needed to be saved.
I'm just so tired.
I'm so fucking
exhausted from this fight.
I'm so tired of
living each day with this war for my sanity raging.
I’m just so done. I
can't go on like this forever. I can't be the only one interested in saving me.
I just need to be
guarded, protected, made to feel safe.
And there he was… so
unplanned… the masculine reflection of my kindness.
There he was…
… saving me.
Finally… someone
wanted to be the kindness for me, and to me, and with me…
Finally… he was
there.
All that
unconditional love… all the truth of it. How he didn't even love me past my
faults (read: my insecurities and my perceived faults) In so many ways, he
loves me BECAUSE of my faults.
In his eyes…
Oh… ye gods… how can
I survive this?
In his eyes, my
faults are the things that make me what he loves. What he fell in love with, so
quickly.
And that's another
thing.
He said it first.
The 'L' word…
That hasn’t happened
since Bran.
No one ever loves me
in return as much as I can love out. I hate to say it, but after the recent
horror with *her*. Even Bran doesn't really love me back as much as I can love
out.
But, Alpha can.
Alpha does. Alpha will.
Mind you… this does
not change anything between Bran and I. We (Bran and I) are both fully
committed to getting back to what we were, and bettering it. But, that's going
to take months and some crucial healing on my end that cannot be generated by
Bran. He just doesn't know how to love me like that. I’M OKAY WITH THAT!!
But, in the
meantime… Alpha…
Yes…
Finally…
In the meantime…
… Alpha
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