I'm just trying to survive here.

I stopped wearing my Fitbit, so I really have no clue how much sleep I have or have not been getting. All I know is that last night seemed to go better.

I got to bed closer to midnight/one'ish rather than three/four'ish, and I didn't cry myself to sleep.

I didn't cry myself to sleep because I wasn't thinking about Bran.

I didn't cry myself to sleep because I wasn't thinking about Jaded.

I didn't cry myself to sleep because I was thinking about Ash.

Yeah...

... *soft smile*

... she's new here.

You see, I'm coming to grips with the fact that Jaded and I are never going to be anything. She's closed herself off to me completely and all the promises she once made me are dead.

It's pointless for me to keep saving myself for her.

It's pointless for me to put all my faith in her touch being the only thing that can deliver me to the ecstasy that I crave.

What if she was only in my life to wake me up so that I could experience those touches at the hands of others?

Iron came for me right away, and holy hell... what a touch!

And there was someone else who responded to my open Cuddle Call as well, but unfortunately, it was a little too late in the game for things to work out between her and me.

I kinda blipped the fact that I should tell her that there would be more Cuddle Calls in the future. I've since corrected that oversight.

Part of me does worry about how Jaded is going to take this. She hasn't said a word to me since last Sunday when I bemoaned the fact that DIE! had to bow out of our cuddle date, and I think that's about the point when the ratchet comments started showing up in my feed.

I seriously don't know what the fuck is going on.

I try so hard to let her know that I'm still here for her and that I can still lovingly support her even with no chance of ever becoming her lover, but all that ends up happening is she pushes me away so hard that I have bruises.

So, I really don't know what to do here.

It seems like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm either the creepy, crazy, stalker chick who won't let her go, or I'm the cold-hearted bitch who gave up on her like everyone else. Meanwhile she’s so hardcore, Borderline “I hate you, don’t leave me” that I really can’t win either way. All I can hope is that she comes to her senses at some point and makes some sort of a solid decision one way or the other. I just know I can’t handle this toxic limbo with her. It’s damaging to my mental health.

Fuck…

I'm just trying to survive here.

I'm just trying to navigate the landscape of life after Cuddle Crush.

This is Jaded's world now, and I have no idea what to do with that. All I know is that it's a very painful place for me to be, and I need comfort, cuddles, and companionship to be strong enough to endure the suffering that is my healing process. She didn’t just break my heart, she fucking shredded it. I’m full of emotional shrapnel and I’m still bleeding out here.

No one has the right to dictate to me how I should survive.

So, if I want to cuddle the new girl?

Well, then I'm going to fucking cuddle the new girl.

Nuff Said.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  So, we did the A1C yesterday, and I'm nice and stable at a 6.4, with is really good. 6.0 is 'not diabetic', and I've been steadily working my way down from a 6.9 over the last year or so'ish. Therefore my Primary doctor agreed with me that it's perfectly safe for me to back off on one of my meds. I'm taking 1000mg a day now instead of 1500mg... it's not much, but it's enough that I know that the weight loss is helping and that my body is starting to heal.

- INR -  Still a tad low.

- Blood Pressure -  Normal - backing off on the one hypertension med did not adversely affect me at all.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  I tapped in with him a little bit yesterday. Enough to know that he's still there. I miss and want and need him... he has expressed that he hopes he'll see me soon. So, I feel like the desire is mutual, he's just got a lot of 'life stuff' in the way.

So, it's not like it was with Jaded, where every 'soon' meant 'not at all'. Iron has already followed through on intent once, and I believe him when he says he'll do it again.

Or, at least, that's what I'm holding out for. We all know that I've waited a year for a second date before. *cough!*DRAGON!*cough!*

Still, *fingers crossed*.

- Zane -  I neglected to tap him yesterday, and he didn't tap me... and I think that's okay too. I know he's busy as well. So, I'm going to give Zane a little room to breathe for a bit.

- DIE! -  VERY much to my surprise, DIE! checked in on me last night and conversation was back to the quality that it was before our date. He wasn't curt or distant. So, I think I was just pinging him while he was gaming or something. I expressed my loneliness and need for more cuddles and he's checking his schedule.

(SQUEE!)

So, along with Iron, that does mean that I have two people with me that can see my Goddess.

(DOUBLE SQUEE!!)

- Ash -  *smile* um... yeah...

So... luck willing... Team Sweetie just might have a girl playing for us soon.

And, I use the word 'girl' a tad bit loosely. She's actually gender fluid and I have to admit that's part of the attraction.

Again, it's not that I fetishize ambiguous gender when it comes to my girls, it's just what I seem to attract to me and I have absolutely no problem with it. It becomes a part of what makes that person unique and special to me.

So far all my 'girlfriends', including Jaded, the girlfriend that wasn't, have been MtF transgender.

Ash is different, but in a way that makes her even more special to me. She'll be able to help me overcome my trust and vulnerability issues with women, yes.

But, there's this part of her that is untouched. Her masculine side has never received the attention that it really deserves.

(swoon) Fucking hell... I really want to be the person to change that.

I want to be the woman who accepts and loves her as she is and wants to know that side of her. It would bring me so much joy to be the one to bring that kind of joy into her life.

And, yeah, this does wrap around back to Jaded a bit.

You see, this ability of mine to find so much treasured beauty in the thing that always gets someone rejected? That's always been my thing. For some reason, I always end up loving the unloved in someone.

So, this thing that has always gotten Ash rejected? To me, it's this beautiful, untouched thing that I want to treasure and hold. I want to whisper 'No, hunnie. You're not ugly, you're magnificent.'

That is the kind of love that I offered Jaded, when I looked at the roadmap of her scars. When I saw every crack in Jaded's hard exterior and every flaw in her fragile heart. I wanted to be the one to hold her together and to worship all that bat shit crazy.

Jaded rejected my love. Over and over and over again.

If anything, that's what shredded my heart the most. She'd post all this ratchet shit about the kind of love that she deserved. Like someone loving her as a whole person, scars, flaws, cracks, and all. And I was just so fucking invisible. I offered her that exact love, and all she did was push me away.

Again...

... Ash is different...

... she appreciates the fact that I can appreciate her.

I fucking love where this is going.

I get to cuddle Ash in just eight days...

I can only imagine how much deeper our conversations are going to get by then.

GAH!

OMG!

(SQUEE!)  

Friends:

 - Sawyer -  I am SO happy right now!! Sawyer had an issue and he came to ME for advice on how to handle it. So, I'm super duper excited that we have this comfort level in our friendship!! He also said he would have tried to make a second cuddle date, but there was no time. (sigh) People. I haz dem.

- TCN: Cohen -  I'm going to give him a wide breadth of breathing room to let the knowledge I laid on him sink in and let him grow and practice before I check in on him. So, probably not this coming Sunday, but the Sunday after. That will give him about two weeks.

- Blue Falcon -  Much to my surprise, he actually tapped in to ask how I was doing... something he said he wasn't going to do. So, I really have no clue what the fuck was up with that.

I told him the truth. Life sucks, but I'm not letting it destroy me.

Broken but not defeated. (shrug)

End Notes:  

Still chatting with Ash...

(blush)

We've admitted that we find each other 'hot'.

ACK!

(SQUEE!)

I've got my own bones to worry about.

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm annoyed at this point.

Not just a wee bit annoyed, not really annoyed, just standard annoyed.

A wise man once told me that you can either get bitter, or you can get better. This was in reference to how much a person can take when it comes to being hurt in life.

This man, in particular, was very impressed with my ability to always choose better.

Come to think of it, that was what drew Apophis to me as well. The fact that I don't let things drag me down. I always find some way to grow something beautiful from the steaming pile of shit that is my pain.

Hell, my own therapist calls me an 'Enlightened Borderline.' No shit! Those are her words, not mine!

So, here I am... sitting back, being all invisible and shit, and I'm watching Jaded (formerly known as Cuddle Crush) choose the path of the bitter.

Her shattered heart has gone so black that she swears she'll never love again, and she says this shit right to my face, knowing how much I still love her.

So, either I'm still completely invisible, and she's totally oblivious to the kind of pain she's causing, or she's directly lashing out and telling me that I'm not good enough for her.

What kind of bitch does this to someone?

It's bad enough that I had to see shit like this on her feed and it was triggering me, so I stopped following her for my own sanity, but now she's commenting this shit on MY feed.

Yeah! She's bringing her darkness to my doorstep, just so she can rub it in my face that she'll never love me, and she most certainly will not ever let me love her.

She was even pretty clear that she didn't even want my loyalty or my friendship.

So, what the fuck am I still doing here?

You guys tell me because I'm utterly clueless.

It almost seems like she's aggressively and hurtfully pushing me away just so I'll prove her point and leave her too. Then she'll be even more justified in this bitterness.

So, if that's the case, then I obviously can't let her win, right?

I just need to ghost this enough so that I'm still there, but disinvest to the point where I'm not getting triggered all the time. I can't let the way I used to love her continue to remain toxic to me.

But, fuck all if she wants to be as toxic as possible to herself.

I've got my own bones to worry about.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Like I said, I missed her yesterday because I was seeing my weight loss doctor, and it sucks because I really needed someone to talk to.

I ended up chatting with Sawyer a bit. He had good things to say and some observations that he'd made that brought a few things to my attention.

Like the way that my 'gushing' makes it sound like I invest too much of my happiness in others. I explained, though. Really I'm just BPD intense and I like to gush about people.

Still, it's something to watch out for. Especially now, with how broken I am. I do need to make sure I don't tie myself entirely to someone. Especially someone like Iron, who could easily become my everything right now.

I need to separate him from Apophis a bit and remember who really came for me and who's just the vessel.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  I backed off on my diabetes med and my blood sugar seemed stable, but my weight loss doctor did not like what I'd done and really wanted me to see my primary. So, I'm hoping to handle that today.

- Inflammation -  / - Magic Hippo Dance -  Sounds like the letter they wrote to my insurance was spot on what I needed, and now I need to hound the fuck out of my insurance to get them to pay for this fucking pool time.

- Weight Management -  I'm plateauing. This fucking sucks. I really do need to get into that fucking pool again.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  I'm disappointed to report that Iron had to cancel our date last night. He has yet to reschedule. He had a family obligation and that's totally cool and stuff. I expect him to have obligations like that, it's part of who he is.

It's just the 'emotional attachment' and the 'having been alone too much' and the 'I need my damn Alpha already.'

However, there is the slight issue with a tad bit of blood in the mix, which he said wouldn't work for him. So, my body would have betrayed me anyway and it all worked out for the better.

I'm just lonely.

 - DIE! -  I'm not really sensing any sort of a deeper connection forming here. DIE! has been nothing but distant since we cuddled. This is disappointing because he could see me... but our personalities did clash a bit, so perhaps he's doing us both a favor.

- TCN: Cohen -  I really gave him a lot to think about and a lot to work on, and I'm not sensing that our relationship is meant to go anywhere deeper than friends either, so I don't expect to hear from TCN:Cohen unless he needs me to fill in the next blank in his self-teaching. I'm good with that.

- Zane -  Which brings us to Zane. Combined with Iron he makes up the other half of what is currently known as Team Sweetie. Even though neither of them have graduated to Sweetie Status yet, it's only a matter of time.

Zane's got to be one of the most compassionate and understanding people I've ever met. He's not jealous or bothered at all that Iron is going to cross the physical threshold before he does.

He listened to me for at least an hour last night as I exposed my darkest secret to him, and once he understood it, he realized why I always keep it private, but he'd asked, so he'd gotten it.

During our date he'd exposed one of his dark secrets to me, so I decided that he deserved equal trust.

I am growing to trust him.

I really believe our relationship is going somewhere.

Friends:

 - Sawyer -  Again, he tapped in last night, which was good timing because I'd been lamenting the fact that I didn't have anyone to gush to about Iron or to talk to about my recent decisions/pull-backs regarding Jaded.

He did tell me that he really wanted to make a second cuddle date with me, but he's leaving in two days and they're both already booked with other things.

I am going to miss him. He gave good cuddle.

But, moving on, right?

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, so these are the five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

Been getting some conflict here, enough that some of the voices are weighing in with differences of opinion.

- Warrior:Sarah - / - Healer:Anne -  Sarah and Anne usually present a fairly unified front when it comes to thinking about people like Bran and Jaded.

With Bran, we understand the sheer necessity of this reset button for him. We get it and he's not only forgiven, he's compassionately supported.

With Jaded, we understand that she's in some of the worst pain she's ever had to bear, and we get it that it's just too much for her. So, of course, she's so blinded by her own defense mechanisms that she doesn't realize she's lashing out and pushing away someone who would truly love her.

- Reticent:Alice -  Here we just have alone, lonely, lost, annoyed, depressed, angry, abandoned, and hurt.

Alice can't understand why Bran and Jaded don't see the pain that they are causing us.

We feel invisible.

Our suffering goes unnoticed.

We hate this shit.

End Notes:  

Now, the one voice that's not listed in the voices is my own. The Prime.

Right now, the Prime is Goddessing the Fuck Up.

The Prime doesn't give two shits about who can't see us.

The Prime is all the fuck over Team Sweetie and focusing on who CAN see us.

Bones, Goddess, and ALL.

I'm not looking back.

Yesterday was filled with sadness, but I managed.

I pretty much took the whole day off and just focused on my artwork collection and finishing up Season 2 of 13 Reasons Why.

There was one other thing, though.

You could call it an accomplishment of sorts.

You see, if I want to be recumbent in bed and still have November in my lap to collect artwork, she blocks the TV. I've been attempting to combat this by arranging my biggest, squishiest pillows into a kind of chevron, at an angle that I would lean back against. My left side open to the room.

The downside of this was that my left side was fairly open and unsupported.

Yesterday I looked across the room, right next to where the TV is, and I saw that big ass bear that had been passed on to me from the Blue Falcon. He'd been my friend back when I'd been reading a lot. He kept my knees elevated so I could hold my tablet more comfortably. 'Of course, the fucking bear!’

Then, as I was grabbing Mr. Bear, I remembered the two enormous pillow pets that have basically been in that corner for over a year and a half.

Um... yeah... why didn't I think of this sooner?

NEST!!

Achievement Unlocked!

I now have this really comfy little place to wedge myself into, and Mr. Bear is still good for elevating the knees/lower legs.

I know...

... it sounds trivial...

... trust me...

... nothing is trivial.

The smallest comfort is an act of self-care right now. Even something as simple as leaving my AC on at night. Everything is self-care right now because I'm all alone. It's just me.

I'm the only one taking care of me.

I hate to say that I'm used to it, but I was here for 14 months before, so... I'm used to it. There are several key differences this time, though.

I'm not nostalgic about anything in my past 'not alone'. This time I'm clear that Bran left me long before he left me and I'm done being the sad little girl waiting for my mate to return to me. Fuck that shit.

No, I'm looking forward to the future and all the Sweeties I'll be entertaining.

You think last weeks Cuddle Call will be the first/last time I'm going to do that? Hell no, I'm putting out those calls every week that I don't have the Spawn that weekend until I'm comfortable with the number of emotional support system Sweeties I've acquired.

Yes, I still want Iron as my Top Alpha and pack leader... but, he may not want the job, so I have to keep my options open.

So, I'm also not nostalgic about the wonder twin cuddles. I've learned rather quickly that I can feel that sense of safety and trust with others without being asked to justify any poor behavior.

And then that only leaves her.

What am I not nostalgic about when it comes to her?

I'm not nostalgic about being ignored. I'm not nostalgic about being invisible. I'm not nostalgic about my love and my loyalty being treated like garbage.

The loyalty especially. I've already moved on with another, much more well suited, Alpha and begun to wonder if she was just in my life to re-open my eyes to the possibilities of what I could achieve with a proper Alpha guiding me. I'm noticing girls more too... what if she was just there to open my eyes to relationships with women again?

At first, I clung to my loyalty to her because I didn't want to abandon her too. I did swear that I’d never give up on her.

It’s just that the kind of loyalty I’m tempted to hold with her is becoming toxic to me. So, if her lack of appreciation is the core of that toxicity and I know she’s not likely to ever really appreciate the true depth of my loyalty anyway... then what am I really staying loyal to?

My nostalgia?

Exactly.

I can stay in her life as a tangential being that she can still rely on if she asks for my attention, but that doesn’t require my remaining nostalgically loyal to what we were or what we could have been.

So, there are just all these things that I'm not nostalgic about.

They were a part of my old life.

They were a part of my old map.

The great force of the emptiness swept that map entirely clean... there was nothing left by the time The Shredding was done with me...

... and you know what?

... I didn't care!

... I just left!

... There was nothing left to hold me there, so, why stay?

Why stay somewhere that I obviously wasn't seen, heard, felt, or wanted?

Fuck that shit.

I moved up to a higher level.

Brand new map. New challenges. New quests and side quests. New support characters and NPC's.

Everything here is fresh, clean, and alive with promise.

I'm not looking back.

Yes, I'm still hurt, sad, and grieving.

Letting go is hard because my emotional attachments to those people and those relationships were very real. It's going to take a while for that to bleed off as I move forward with my new life.

And yet, I'm also acutely aware of this new High Ground, and the creatures that own these new skies.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  He hasn't really checked in with me at all this past weekend, and that has me more than a little nervous. I genuinely don't feel that he'd abandon me, but at the same time... you know how we Borderlines take silence. I really hope that we're still on for tonight. I really need him.

- Zane -  He's been pretty good at maintaining contact and we're hammering out details on when we can see each other again. He has no issue with 'chaste contact' if he comes over during Spawn time to watch some Supernatural with us. Not only would that be awesome, but it would also reinforce my trust bond with him.

Again, I'm SO impressed that he's willing to endure whatever physical discomforts prolonged arousal will inflict upon him just for the sake of my emotional wellbeing.

He's a keeper.

End Notes:  

I have some errands to take care of today. My Case Worker and I are picking up my new glasses and stopping at the License Bureau to get my ID with my new name started.

HEH!! Exciting times!

--

HEY, Lulz!

You know you're welcome to open up a dialog, right? Feel free to drop more than just a 'lulz' and let me know what has you so amused, okay?