And yet, I wear my armor proudly.

I swear it's like I'm living my life in a meme jungle.

There's the one about the strong woman who cries her silent tears behind closed doors so no one can see her struggle.

There's the one about the woman who's there for everyone else, but who's there for her?

There's the one about the independent woman who hides a scared little girl that had to pick herself up off the floor and learn not to rely on anyone but herself.

It all comes down to this brave face bullshit.

Everyone I know is breaking down in their own ways, and I'm the one with the skills to get them through it because of how many times I've been broken. I know how to ask the right questions to help them get to the bottom of their emotions. I know how to help them solve their confusion. I know how to validate them and get them comfortable with where they are in their journey.

I'm basically an unpaid therapist.

And no one notices the gaping bullet holes that have torn through me, or how I'm crumpled up on the floor with my heart bleeding out in my hands.

No one sees it, because I don't tell them that it's there. I don't draw attention to my pain.

A few people know a few things... but my issues are too fucking complex for anyone to know everything without sitting me down and just telling me to talk for a good week or more.

There's just so much Bad JuJu that I've never healed right from, and I keep getting dead dropped into survival mode where I have zero fucking chance of healing at all... and it all just comes back together wrong. So, someday, someone's going to have to re-break me just to set me right and get me to heal properly.

Right, 'cause that will be fun.

And yet, I wear my armor proudly.

Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.

Family:

- Spawn -  We watched one episode of Supernatural in the morning, and then she took the rest of the day to do her own thing. She wanted to watch Fairy Tale. I think this is like the 3rd or 4th time she's watched it all the way through.

I'm so proud of my little binger.

- Metal-AF -  Of course, my rock is here for me when I need him to be. But, he's weathering his own storm right now too. Our lives just go to shit when we're not together. We have Tuesday planned for the cuddles, which will mean another trip in to see Valkyrie but I'm cool with that.

I can take comfort in knowing that, at least for a day, my heart won't bleed.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   (sigh)

You know what did me in?

One fucking little word:

"Soon."

Took me right out of the long game.

Time to reset and re-take the high ground. Get out of the trenches of this desire and redefine the boundaries and limits.

Things are just too... (sigh) she needs more time.

I need to do what's right for me and lift my vow of 'saving myself' for her. It was a beautiful gesture, but it's becoming toxic to me.

She's not going to be able to consummate her claiming of me for a while, yet, and it's time for me to let that go for now. But, only for now.

Don't worry, I'm still hers.

I will always be hers and only hers.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Cain - He and I chatted for a good portion of yesterday. I ended up telling him that my Temporary Code Name for him was Cain, but then we both agreed that it was actually perfect for his personality and our budding relationship, so we decided to keep it. I find it amusing that this is the second time a Temporary Code Name has been implemented and it just 'stuck.'

Well, that's not exactly true. It happened with the Blue Falcon too, but his wasn't from a random name generator.

Anyway, back to Cain.

There's a lot happening here.

There was a sort of, instantaneous comfort level with him. So much so that my logic alarms started blaring 'danger danger' and tried to pull me back, but my emotions just kept saying 'no no, this is okay.'

Then, the more I got to know him... it all just unfolded organically. In his own words, it was like we didn't even have to 'try'. It was all just 'there.' He made me feel safe, and he enjoyed making me feel safe. I quickly realized that I’d picked up on that empathically right away. I could feel the calm that he projects.

I tried to remain as vague on the details as possible, but I did clue him in that I'm in a lot of pain and processing a lot right now. He was instantly very concerned for me and offered to help in any way that he could. I ended up having to settle him down and explain that what I'm going through now is nothing compared to past emotional battles and that I'm used to fighting like this. So... Radical Acceptance, and he got it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope that impressed him.

He also made it clear that he does have a very strong, natural inclination to be comforting, though. He's a Daddy Dom!

We ended up discussing littles, sub-styles, and my level of inexperience. As well as how that leaves me feeling a little unstable when it comes to Cuddle Crush because I don't understand her expectations of me in the bedroom. (to be honest, I don't think she understands her expectations of me in the bedroom yet either)

Cain and I found ourselves, very naturally, discussing the concept of him acting as a sort of 'trainer' to give me practice being a little so that I can be a better sub for Cuddle Crush when she's ready for me. Neither of us forced this issue. It just came out as an idea that we found mutually agreeable and beneficial.

He scared me a little with the word 'punishment', but we worked around that too. We talked about how his Dom-style is definitely the gentle/loving hand that I would need to feel relaxed and safe, but also how his sex-style is that intense aggressiveness that I also need.

He literally used the words "I want to break you." - omg - *swoon*

However, we both agreed that starting with just cuddles is where this needs to be. He understands completely about Cuddle Crush and he fully respects her territory. He'd never try to poach me or anything, but he'd be really happy to get me ready for her.

I'll admit... I DID slip into tease-brat mode, though.

I'm getting him worked up, and I know it.

Cuddle Crush can still put a stop to this at any time, though. I'm not moving further with Cain than she will allow.

I'm really looking forward to meeting him, though. I'm thinking he's probably going to try to make it out to me sometime this week.

Friends:

  - Blue Falcon - He checked in with me today.

I'm explaining about the abandonment issues and how I didn't mean to lash out at him. He's making it clear that he didn't mean to make me feel like he doesn't want me in his life.

We're working it out.

I'm pretty sure we're still friends.

I just don't think we're going to be hanging out at all. I don't think I want to. It's just too painful right now with everything else that's going on.

End Notes:  

So, basically, we're stuck with returning to the Long Game with Cuddle Crush. Feeling totally abandoned by Bran and the Blue Falcon, even though neither is altogether true.

I have a very solid foundation with Metal-AF.

I think Cain will be good for me too.

I feel totally emotionally fucked right now.

And no one can see me crying, because I won't let them.