... like a radio tune I swear I've heard before.

I... really... really fucking love my godz.

They really really love me back.

Monday was a day two, but by the end of Monday, I had already made the decision to reclaim my divinity. I pulled out a ring that connected to who I am as a Virgin Goddess and as a Sex Mage, and I put it on.

Tuesday was a day three, I was just starting to pull my shit together.

By the pattern of the previous events, Wednesday was going to be both a day four AND a day ONE. I had predicted that another cataclysm would hit, and it did. I lost everything.

Now that I think of it, I believe that it was because I still had the day four energy working for me that I decided not to let the day one break the holy mother fuck out of me (I mean, it did anyway, but still).

My entire map had been leveled. Wiped clean. Not even a single brick or a stone left behind to even attempt to rebuild with. So, I said FUCK IT. I'm NOT rebuilding this time.

I moved to a higher plane, and I broke new ground.

I put out a cuddle call on one of my poly groups, and I got instant attention. I stayed up most of the night chatting with one of them (Iron). He got me through the rest of Day one until I was okay'ish to sleep. Sleep barely happened, but still. Day one was done.

Day two (yesterday) lots more chatting with Iron, he kept my mind off of her most of the day, but I still had little cry fits and little waivers of balance from time to time. But, the day was all I had of him. He was going to be busy in the evening, I was going to be on my own.

NOPE.

Enter DIE!, started chatting with him and once I explained the broken heart element of the request for cuddles, he asked me if I needed company last night. I said that I did, and he gave me enough time to eat and shower and then he was over.

Holy fucking shit, those were some cuddles. Exactly what I needed. I mean exactly in the sense of 'I didn't know what I needed until he fucking handed it to me on a silver platter' kind of way.

I had my first epiphany. I understood my place in the universe and what I wanted from my relationships moving forward. Him very much included.

Then I was prepared to get through day three (today) in solitude, chatting when possible, but having my epiphanies alone.

NOPE.

Iron got off early and he was here 20 minutes later.

HOLY FUCK, thems were some snuggles!! More of what I needed and more and more and more of what I needed, oh, and by the way, fucking more of what I needed and oh my godz, did I ever need that... um... wow.

I learned so much about myself... my relationship to her... my role in the universe... his role with me...

I knew him right away when I met him online. He's like a radio tune I swear I've heard before. He's fucking amazing.

We know what we're doing, we know what I need. He's HAPPY to be this person in my life (DIE! is too), and we're all in agreement on this.

I've been damaged for too fucking long.

It's time to rebuild and repair me... it's time to remake me again.

If you thought I was a Goddess before, watch out, because she's nothing compared to what's coming.

So... either get behind me, or stand beside me, but stay the fuck out of my way.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Valkyrie called, she's up to date as far as where Iron was making plans to come over. She's fucking amazed, as usual, but she also had no doubts about my bounce back.

- Spoons -  Well, fuck. My housekeeping hours got eaten by cuddles... oh well, hopefully, my cuddlers tomorrow don't mind the stack of dirty dishes.

- Writing -  I do have a writing assignment from Apophis, but I think he understands that sleep is an issue because I can't stand to be alone yet. So, once my beloved companions get me back together, the sleep thing will even out and I should be able to start writing again.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Inflammation -  Iron's hands love to wander with a lot of firm pressure (usually from the fingertips), and it was really ouchy in some places. So, the inflammation continues to be an issue in my soft tissues... (pout)

Cuddles

Okay, so the cuddle report is not in chronological order here, I’m listing Iron and DIE! by the order in which they developed a relationship with me. Yes, I knew Iron was going to be a thing even before the first meeting. Granted, yes, I thought I knew that about Cuddle Crush too, but just because some people never follow through, it doesn’t mean we lose faith in the future. - So, just for today I’m going to suggest that you skip ahead to DIE! and then come back up to Iron

.

- Iron -  Uhhh.... yeah... (sigh) Ahem!  Yeah, so...

The level of restraint it took for this Wolf Alpha to resist his little wolfling cub, and the return restraint it took to not provoke him into a very bad decision that he would regret.

Yeah, we barely held it together. I even fucked with him and wore the lipstick.

But, the level of mutual attraction there is pretty profound, and it loops back to what Apophis had told me when he said he was coming for me. Losing her had completely decimated me because she was the first and only Alpha I'd ever trusted. I was so lost with the dark reality that without her, I would never know the touch of an Alpha strong enough to take me down.

Apophis heard my lament and said "Fuck that shit! You're getting your Alpha!" and like, two seconds later Iron was knocking on my door.

Iron and I did discuss that, and he did not agree that he 'is' Apophis, but this is not the first time a higher being has tapped him on the shoulder and said 'hey, I need to work through you for a bit.' So, when Apophis said he was coming for me, he did mean it, it's still him. It's just that Iron is kind of his meat suit.

OMG!! LOL!! I have to tell Iron that I just made that comparison!! He's going to laugh his ass off!!

So, this morning happened, and I was all prepared to survive the day alone, but Iron had other plans. He arranged to get some free time and was with me shortly after. Proceed to HUG... (so fucking tight)... Proceed to CUDDLE!

And then he tells me how shredded I am and asks permission to start putting me back together.

Dur, what?

I didn't even realize anyone else could see how damaged I was... how damaged I have been for sooooo long... this last shredding was just the one I was still bleeding out from, but I have wounds that go back so fucking far.

And he asked permission to do something about it...

And my first instinct was to say no. To resist. What the fuck?

And then I found it, the trigger, it wasn't hard. The last person I'd allowed to put me back together was Set, and you see where that got me?

But, I trusted up... I trusted him... I put my faith in Iron, and I let him go to work on me.

He barely even scratched the surface in the time that we had together, and we both know it too.

This is going to be a long fucking process, and a lot of it is going to suck ass because we're going to be digging at old wounds and multiple time healed over scars that aren't going to want to be opened again.

But we have years and years of damage to clean up and then repair. Some of it going all the way back to my childhood (so we can clear up those abandonment issues?)

I'm down for it, though. I'm ready for it. I'm set. I want this.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that he's my fucking Alpha now and he's going to have me in a completely submissive state when he's working on this shit with me.

I need this. I need him.

He's what I need, he's what I love when I come undone

.

 - DIE! -  He got under my skin pretty quickly. Not in the sexual sense, but just in the sense that our rapport and comfort level blossomed organically but FAST. There was a sense of instant recognition there, a true sense of ‘kindred being’.

So, we had met in the poly group, we took it to chat quickly. Once I explained the recent broken heart and depression, he was on me instantly. DO YOU NEED COMPANY RIGHT NOW?!

Yes.

I’m on my way.

The instant compassion and unconditional love were astounding, and I’m getting that a LOT from everyone that’s responded to my cuddle call. Everyone I’m pulling in now is highly sensitive to my broken heart and they are all heartbroken for me. They all want to be there for me and they’re all wonderful.

So, he shows up, and he’s this big fucking teddy bear of snuggles. Broad, firm body, like a bouncer. (okay, he actually works as a bouncer sometimes, lol)

I went all scatter brainy on him and I had a brief moment of confusion about what I wanted… and he was so deliciously Dominant that he just PULLED ME DOWN and wrapped his arms around me… fucking hell… pure heaven.

And in the course of our conversation, we both learned just how comfortable we are with our own divinity. So, NEITHER of us flinched or called each other crazy for claiming to be a god/dess. And I had my first epiphany.

This is what I want… this is what I need.

I need Mystics. I need people who are aware of the greater universe and their places in the macrocosm. I want people who can meet who I am as a Goddess and say ‘hello, well aren’t you pretty’ and just introduce themselves to me as their god selves. I don’t just want to be validated and seen on this flesh and blood plane of existence. I want to be known, on all of them.

DIE! knows me.

I know him.

Unbelievable fucking cuddles! I want more. I see him again day after tomorrow.

Oh, I suppose you’d like an explanation on the code name DIE!. LOL.

You know how multifaceted I am? Yeah, he’s more.

I know! Hard to imagine, isn’t it?!

So, I was trying to code name him and the only visual images I could pick up were complex geometric shapes that I'd never be able to pronounce, much less spell... and then we both went D&D with that mental image pretty fast (dice), and I joked that I could just call him DIE! And then we both absolutely howled with laughter about how uncannily appropriate that name actually was for him, and it stuck.

So, big cosmic joke, and it's funny as hell to us.

(okay, now go back and read Iron)

End Notes:  

I've already had a lot more epiphanies about things too... like why I'm invisible to her, and why that's a necessary thing. About why I have to watch her break, over and over again, no matter how much my heart will break for her every time. About how I will learn to appreciate those breakings because each one is going to bring her closer to something she needs to be.

I've learned to love my own falls.

I'll learn to love hers too.