I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm annoyed at this point.
Not just a wee bit annoyed, not really annoyed, just standard annoyed.
A wise man once told me that you can either get bitter, or you can get better. This was in reference to how much a person can take when it comes to being hurt in life.
This man, in particular, was very impressed with my ability to always choose better.
Come to think of it, that was what drew Apophis to me as well. The fact that I don't let things drag me down. I always find some way to grow something beautiful from the steaming pile of shit that is my pain.
Hell, my own therapist calls me an 'Enlightened Borderline.' No shit! Those are her words, not mine!
So, here I am... sitting back, being all invisible and shit, and I'm watching Jaded (formerly known as Cuddle Crush) choose the path of the bitter.
Her shattered heart has gone so black that she swears she'll never love again, and she says this shit right to my face, knowing how much I still love her.
So, either I'm still completely invisible, and she's totally oblivious to the kind of pain she's causing, or she's directly lashing out and telling me that I'm not good enough for her.
What kind of bitch does this to someone?
It's bad enough that I had to see shit like this on her feed and it was triggering me, so I stopped following her for my own sanity, but now she's commenting this shit on MY feed.
Yeah! She's bringing her darkness to my doorstep, just so she can rub it in my face that she'll never love me, and she most certainly will not ever let me love her.
She was even pretty clear that she didn't even want my loyalty or my friendship.
So, what the fuck am I still doing here?
You guys tell me because I'm utterly clueless.
It almost seems like she's aggressively and hurtfully pushing me away just so I'll prove her point and leave her too. Then she'll be even more justified in this bitterness.
So, if that's the case, then I obviously can't let her win, right?
I just need to ghost this enough so that I'm still there, but disinvest to the point where I'm not getting triggered all the time. I can't let the way I used to love her continue to remain toxic to me.
But, fuck all if she wants to be as toxic as possible to herself.
I've got my own bones to worry about.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Like I said, I missed her yesterday because I was seeing my weight loss doctor, and it sucks because I really needed someone to talk to.
I ended up chatting with Sawyer a bit. He had good things to say and some observations that he'd made that brought a few things to my attention.
Like the way that my 'gushing' makes it sound like I invest too much of my happiness in others. I explained, though. Really I'm just BPD intense and I like to gush about people.
Still, it's something to watch out for. Especially now, with how broken I am. I do need to make sure I don't tie myself entirely to someone. Especially someone like Iron, who could easily become my everything right now.
I need to separate him from Apophis a bit and remember who really came for me and who's just the vessel.
Physical Health / Self-Care:
- Blood Sugar - I backed off on my diabetes med and my blood sugar seemed stable, but my weight loss doctor did not like what I'd done and really wanted me to see my primary. So, I'm hoping to handle that today.
- Inflammation - / - Magic Hippo Dance - Sounds like the letter they wrote to my insurance was spot on what I needed, and now I need to hound the fuck out of my insurance to get them to pay for this fucking pool time.
- Weight Management - I'm plateauing. This fucking sucks. I really do need to get into that fucking pool again.
Cuddles
- Iron - I'm disappointed to report that Iron had to cancel our date last night. He has yet to reschedule. He had a family obligation and that's totally cool and stuff. I expect him to have obligations like that, it's part of who he is.
It's just the 'emotional attachment' and the 'having been alone too much' and the 'I need my damn Alpha already.'
However, there is the slight issue with a tad bit of blood in the mix, which he said wouldn't work for him. So, my body would have betrayed me anyway and it all worked out for the better.
I'm just lonely.
- DIE! - I'm not really sensing any sort of a deeper connection forming here. DIE! has been nothing but distant since we cuddled. This is disappointing because he could see me... but our personalities did clash a bit, so perhaps he's doing us both a favor.
- TCN: Cohen - I really gave him a lot to think about and a lot to work on, and I'm not sensing that our relationship is meant to go anywhere deeper than friends either, so I don't expect to hear from TCN:Cohen unless he needs me to fill in the next blank in his self-teaching. I'm good with that.
- Zane - Which brings us to Zane. Combined with Iron he makes up the other half of what is currently known as Team Sweetie. Even though neither of them have graduated to Sweetie Status yet, it's only a matter of time.
Zane's got to be one of the most compassionate and understanding people I've ever met. He's not jealous or bothered at all that Iron is going to cross the physical threshold before he does.
He listened to me for at least an hour last night as I exposed my darkest secret to him, and once he understood it, he realized why I always keep it private, but he'd asked, so he'd gotten it.
During our date he'd exposed one of his dark secrets to me, so I decided that he deserved equal trust.
I am growing to trust him.
I really believe our relationship is going somewhere.
Friends:
- Sawyer - Again, he tapped in last night, which was good timing because I'd been lamenting the fact that I didn't have anyone to gush to about Iron or to talk to about my recent decisions/pull-backs regarding Jaded.
He did tell me that he really wanted to make a second cuddle date with me, but he's leaving in two days and they're both already booked with other things.
I am going to miss him. He gave good cuddle.
But, moving on, right?
Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, so these are the five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]
Been getting some conflict here, enough that some of the voices are weighing in with differences of opinion.
With Bran, we understand the sheer necessity of this reset button for him. We get it and he's not only forgiven, he's compassionately supported.
With Jaded, we understand that she's in some of the worst pain she's ever had to bear, and we get it that it's just too much for her. So, of course, she's so blinded by her own defense mechanisms that she doesn't realize she's lashing out and pushing away someone who would truly love her.
- Reticent:Alice - Here we just have alone, lonely, lost, annoyed, depressed, angry, abandoned, and hurt.
Alice can't understand why Bran and Jaded don't see the pain that they are causing us.
We feel invisible.
Our suffering goes unnoticed.
We hate this shit.
End Notes:
Now, the one voice that's not listed in the voices is my own. The Prime.
Right now, the Prime is Goddessing the Fuck Up.
The Prime doesn't give two shits about who can't see us.
The Prime is all the fuck over Team Sweetie and focusing on who CAN see us.
Bones, Goddess, and ALL.
Lulz
ReplyDelete