Yesterday was the first day since the shredding that I didn't feast on masculine energy and I'm definitely feeling it today.
It was 3 am before I could face the darkness and the quiet of turning off Netflix and attempting sleep. Although, I didn't cry myself to sleep this time, so at least that's something, right?
Granted, I think my staying up until I can't keep my eyes open is my way of getting around the whole crying myself to sleep thing.
This morning I'm sluggish, slow, somber, and just all around sullen.
Yeah, I don't know where the alliterations came from either. Right now I'm blaming the coffee.
And yes, I'm calling this one 'the shredding' because it's so different from any other breaking that I've ever experienced.
At least with breakings, there was something left to rebuild from and this time there was nothing.
Now, I DID use that to my advantage and I did break new ground elsewhere and yes, absolutely, I'm much happier at my new location.
But, I'm still gravely wounded here.
Feeding on my boys was enough morphine that I didn't notice my pain for a few days... and my drip just ran out.
When I'm broken (or shredded) like this, the succubus part of me needs fresh, masculine energy as nourishment. This energy doesn't have to be sexual, but it helps if there's a bit of an attraction and a sense of mutual sensuality. Sexual does help, though.
I don't drain anyone. I'm not a vampire. My rule is 'no harm' and I always give as good as I get. When I'm feeding, I create a feedback loop so that I'm also giving my partner something that he needs in return. The goal is a kind of symbiotic exchange.
The result (during a time like this) is improved emotional stability, clarity of thought, and the ability to keep the darker thoughts at bay. I won't sink into things like sleeplessness or depression as easy.
This is why I need more boys.
I need backup plans if one of my other boys falls through.
I don't think I should be spending so much time alone right now.
Just for a while... just until I get the healing I need to be stable on my own.
Godz, I sound like a proper drug addict.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - So much has been coming at me rapid fire that I've been keeping extensive notes. She'll need them because we don't get to see each other this week. See below.
Physical Health / Self-Care:
- Magic Hippo Dance - / - Weight Management - I'll be seeing this doctor on Tuesday this week instead. I hope I can get through to her that I can't afford the cost of the warm water therapy pool to continue my weight loss exercise in. If I can get her to write the right kind of letter to my insurance company, deeming it 'medically necessary' for me to continue using the pool, they might cover the cost.
(fingers crossed)
Cuddles
- DIE! - Unfortunately, he had to cancel our cuddle date yesterday for personal reasons. I was sad. I am still sad. I really like him.
End Notes:
Heavens (and partners) willing, I get to see Iron tomorrow. He's the one I really need. Alpha, healer, lover, friend... he's got a lot of irons in my fire and I don't think he'd have it any other way.
Lulz
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