I was... completely unprepared for the level of emotional attachment I was going to start to feel for Rabbit.
He told me yesterday, more than once, that he could see himself developing feelings for me, and I didn't flinch.
Before yesterday, I would have flinched. I would have said those feelings couldn't be returned. I would have worried my ass off that he was getting in too deep. I would have been so concerned about hurting him.
Yesterday... no flinch... I actually told him that I'd welcome those feelings. They didn't scare me... the thought of them only made me feel warmer, and safer with him.
The possibility of an emotional attachment promised more naked cuddles, more breaking of barriers, more releases of the toxins buried so deep within me.
Emotional attachment meant that a bond would be there... that this time, my healer would actually love me...
... yeah... now that I think about it, that's it exactly.
Set never really loved me. He wasn't really attached to me. As soon as something that could be exclusively 'his' came along, I was done. He was done with me like I was nothing. Like I had never been anything. Like the 2.5 years that I'd devoted to getting him ready for his soulmate was garbage to him. He skipped the toilet entirely. He just chucked all my work straight into the sewer.
See? Intimacy issues.
All the lovers that I'm drawing to me gave and gave and gave without receiving anything in return, and I thought (at first) that they were being pulled to me so that I could 'give' to them. So that they could be on the receiving end for once.
But, that wasn't it at all.
It was about reciprocity. They all needed to give, and get back. They needed to GIVE and RECEIVE.
And I realized yesterday that my intimacy issues were exactly the same because of how I've never really healed from what happened with Set.
So... when Rabbit said that he could develop feelings for me... I felt that 'healing' engage a little bit. I felt those sparks of mutual love forming.
I didn't flinch...
...
...
... last night he was heading to bed and he called me 'my lover', and I loved the sound of that so much. I felt it... I knew he was feeling it too. 'my lover' was as close as he could come to 'my love' without crossing boundaries.
We want this emotional attachment to go slow...
... I don't think either of us is being given much of a choice in the matter.
This is still going to be tentative for a little bit, though...
I need to sort out some logistics before I can make this a thing.
I'm definitely NOT flinching, though!
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Spoons - Apartment inspections are coming up. I need to get on top of this shit.
I still stayed up until past 2 am last night.
I'm not ready to be sleeping alone yet.
Family:
- Metal-AF - (sigh) I am so worried about my Twinnie.
Sweeties:
- Rabbit - So, what is this then?
Am I just twitterpated, or am I really feeling the early stages of New Relationship Energy here?
See... the logistics are sketchy.
I need to make sure everything and everyone is okay.
But... fuck...
Most of me just wants to be naked and lying in his arms again. Those naked cuddles were fucking amazing. We held each other so tight and the skin on skin contact was so delicious. It's a natural anti-depressant, you know?
We both needed it too.
--
Now, alternately, there's the other thing.
I don't want him to get too serious about me.
Ironically it's for the same reason that Set wasn't supposed to get too serious about me. For that matter, the Blue Falcon too.
Rabbit deserves his Life Mate.
I'm not it.
I'm a bridge to get him ready for her, which will take a lot of love and a lot of time and he's more than welcome to love the fuck out of me in the meantime. However, ultimately, he needs that person who will spend the rest of her life walking by his side.
The cool thing, though?!
Rabbit's fucking POLYAMOROUS!!
That means he can CONTINUE to love me even after he meets his soulmate! Unlike Set, and unlike the Blue Falcon. Finding his lady love doesn't mean having to let me go.
He can still come back to me for healing bump-ups any fucking time he wants to.
So, there.
That solves that.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Okay, and here we get into the main reason why I am reluctant to get too serious with Rabbit.
I'm not rejecting Rabbit. Not at all. He can love me and I will gladly reciprocate that love.
But, as I said, logistics.
There's something that needs to be sorted.
And here she is.
She never opened up to me yesterday about why she was hurting, but that's okay, I can always trust Facebook to speak for her when she's not speaking for herself.
And it did.
Someone is not loving my beautiful Cuddle Crush to the level that she deserves to be loved (again). She's being treated as an option (again). She's being treated as a second choice (again).
She seems to find herself in this dark fucking hole a lot.
My beloveds heart can't take that kind of strain. She can't handle loving out more than she's being loved back. It hurts her so fucking much.
THIS is the reason I didn't approach her when I first developed feelings for her. I knew she'd always be second to Bran and I knew that would destroy her...
... but...
... you know what?
Bran's gone.
Bran made his choice, and it wasn't me.
For the second time now, I was treated as an option.
For the second time now, I was treated as a 'second choice.'
Maybe it's about fucking time that I reevaluate a few things here.
Bran NEVER apologized for what happened two years ago. All he did was abandon me.
Bran NEVER placed that commitment ring on my finger. All he did was make excuses for not being able to afford it.
Bran just spent an ungodly amount of money on things... Bran just bought me chocolates and comfort salmon and lip balm and paid for shit that I needed...
... and no ring...
... he doesn't feel that way about me.
"Stand up and treat her the way she deserves to be treated, or sit the fuck down and watch someone else do it for you."
Applies to Cuddle Crush
Applies to me.
--
She's the reason I need to be careful about my level of emotional attachment to Rabbit.
Fucking hell, I'm putting that woman first.
Bran is treating me like a second.
Maybe it's high fucking time I woke the fuck up to that fact and realized where my heart really belongs.
--
If it hadn't been for Rabbit pointing that kind of shit out to me yesterday... I wouldn't be here with Cuddle Crush today.
I owe him for that.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- TCN:Oliver - I dropped him another note to try to check in on him. Still nothing. I hope he’s okay.
- Cain - My Daddy wanted to hear the full sex report from my time with Rabbit. Mmmm... made him ... uh... happy. And now he wants to fuck me better than Rabbit did, LOL.
I can live with that kind of healthy competition.
End Notes:
So... yeah...
I'm reevaluating a lot of where my heart truly belongs right now.
Rabbit made me realize that my heart has been living too much in the past and that I've been trying to feel the Bran I knew from before the Screeching Harpy.
That Bran is gone.
He's not ever coming back.
Things will never go back to the way that they were.
Our relationship has evolved into not being very much of a relationship at all.
Maybe moving on isn't such a bad idea, all things considered.
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