I don't even care that she beat me to death.

Yesterday morning was rough as hell. I was still so devastated by being left out of Cuddle Crush's intro that I opened the day with a catastrophic meltdown. I was literally sobbing for at least two hours, completely alone, with no one to comfort me. Until I managed to somehow self-soothe myself into calming down enough to eat something.

I was still just as hurt, but I was somehow calm about it. Then Metal-AF called me to tell me all about his upcoming plans. This is a very exciting time for him. He's moving forward in some big ways and I'm fiercely proud of him.

He asked me how I was handling the issue with Bran and I told him that I was handling that way better than I was handling the issue with Cuddle Crush.

Metal-AF told me that I was being way too gentle with her. Essentially that I kept handling her with kid gloves and that I needed to be more firm with her and sort of 'claim her back.'

Now, I'm not going to lie. This advice scared the hell out of me because I know how fragile she can be. I know how prone she is to feelings of extreme failure and that she's let everyone down. He also told me I had to do the same thing with her that I did with the Blue Falcon, and start letting her come to me. Metal-AF strongly believed that if Cuddle Crush really wants to be in my life, it's time she started proving it.

Harsh... yes, but maybe he wasn't completely wrong.

I continued to cry off and on throughout the day, and she did end up messaging me. She told me why her morning had been so busy. I forget what we talked about at first... (sigh) as hard as it was, I ended up saying the words "I'm trying so hard not to feel hurt, but my emotions won't obey me." She was confused. She honestly had no clue as to why I would even feel hurt in the first place.

Metal-AF had been right. I'd handled her too gently and therefore it had gone right over her head that she'd hurt me.

I don't know how I did it, but somehow I found the courage to confront her about leaving me out. I told her that I felt like I didn't count like I didn't matter, and like I was nothing to her.

She responded by telling me she felt ashamed of herself. She felt terrible. She apologized and told me that if she'd been put in that situation, she'd feel the exact same way that I did and she hated herself for having done it to me.

And then I had to talk her down off the Fail Bridge.

I pointed out that this was a pattern with us and that I couldn't come to her with hurt feelings without her threatening to jump off that stupid bridge, and that's not what I wanted for our relationship. I told her that I needed to feel safe coming to her when I was hurt so we could work it out, and she agreed that it was a valid need.

So, this has become another negotiation point in our relationship. Not only must I come to her, honestly, when I feel insecure and need reassurance. But, I also need to come to her when I feel hurt too. However, I think hurt feelings need to be handled with a little more care. Simply starting off with a 'hey, my feelings got hurt and I need to talk, please don't try to jump off the Fail Bridge,' or something like that.

It's still going to take some time to iron out the wrinkles on that one, but no one is better at this than her. NO ONE!! She loves to learn. So, teaching her the skill of validate, understand, soothe to replace Fail Bridge... it should actually be pretty easy. She's fucking wonderful like that.

And then we both ended up admitting that the last few weeks have been hell and that we were both raw and extra reactive. So, I just said 'hey, you wanna just be neurotic nut bags together and just love each other at our worst?' and she said she'd be totally down for that.

Then we got silly to break the somber mood and it was over. Crisis averted. She even challenged me to a Facebook game later and totally kicked my ass.

It was awesome. I totally didn't expect her to play a game with me like that. It felt really good to just do something lite and fun with her. I don't even care that she beat me to death. I was happy just to play.

I have to extend my special thanks to Metal-AF. If I hadn't taken his advice, Cuddle Crush and I wouldn't be here.

He still feels that I need to hold her a lot more accountable for the emotional roller coaster she has me on... and he's probably right about that too. I do need to be less timid with her.

It's just going to take work to hold her together while I'm helping her understand the things that have hurt me.

She does love me, though.

We'll get through this.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I do have cuddles with Metal-AF on this day again this week, not sure if he'll come in with me to see Valkyrie this time or not.

Family:

- Metal-AF -  We had a very minor spat last night. Ugh... I'm still so raw that I'm very easily triggered right now. Sucks ass, but I was able to pull it back just in time to explain that he did nothing wrong and it was just me being really hyper-sensitive. We're still good. Thank the godz.

I get cuddles today.

OMFG!! I get CUDDLES today!!!!!

Also, it’s all his fault that Cuddle Crush and I are on good terms again and I hope he’ll keep pushing me to push back with her.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   Later on in the evening, she must have tapped in with me again because there seemed to be an optimal time for me to ask her what her stance was on her partner involvement in my future dating pursuits.

On a scale of Bran (zero involvement) to Metal-AF (shotgun and a shovel) where was she on the spectrum.

She said she's very Alpha Wolf Protective, and that she does get a little Jealous too. I did tell her that my current interest has some D/s inclinations. She gave me her blessing to explore my submissive side with him, but also said that she'd want to know everything about him.

We just didn't get a chance to discuss Cain last night because it was already her bedtime and she was a sleepy Cuddle Crush.

I'm actually really okay with all of this.

I FUCKING LOVE IT that she's going to be territorial. It's exactly what I need from her. She'll let me explore and play, but neither of us are going to let me forget who I really belong to and that's PERFECT.

FUCK!!!

I love her so much.

She's so perfect for me.

The perfect Alpha, the perfect Domme... just everything. She's perfect.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Cain -  I'm going to keep this one really short and sweet.

We're getting very excited about each other.

This may be one of those 'jump straight into bed to alleviate the sexual tension' and then 'work on the relationship after' kind of things.

I am going to need to tell him about last year and what it did to me, so he understands why I'm really skittish about something being 'just sex', though.

I know he'll understand, but I still feel like I need to make that clear so that he can work that reassurance into the aftercare when he fucks the holy hell out of me.

End Notes:  

Ohhh... bad news... it appears as if Metal-AF woke up very ill this morning... (sadface) I do believe cuddles have been canceled for today. He needs to go to an emergency clinic and see someone and make sure he's okay. I hope he feels better soon. I don't like the idea of my sweet Wonder Twin being miserable like that. He should stay home and rest.

(sad girl is sad)