So, my intimacy issues can pretty much go suck a dick. I've got my shit sorted.
Oh, they're still more than there with the vast majority of the human population, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think keeping a certain distance from new people and letting them in slowly is very much to my benefit.
See, the thing I realized is that I don't have to trust EVERYONE.
I only have to trust a few.
A very select few.
My elite royal guard, if you will.
Those very special people charged with the awesome task of guarding my heart when it is at its most vulnerable.
And you bet your sweet ass that Metal-AF is one of those people.
There's just so much to this. Ways that I feel comfortable with him that I never feel comfortable with anyone. Ways that my insecurities just simply don't exist with him.
No...
That's inaccurate.
It's like my insecurities NEVER existed at all when I'm around him.
Yeah, you read that right.
When I'm with Metal-AF, I literally can't remember what my insecurities felt like or how they managed to fuck with my head when it came to other people. I find myself suddenly confident and self-aware of who I am, how awesome I am, how amazing others should be able to perceive me, and fully capable of standing up for myself against those who treat me in a way that I don't deserve to be treated.
In short.
I go full-on Bad Ass when Metal-AF is around.
Not my regular Bad Ass, where I have a superiority complex and an inferiority complex about it. I mean, I just go balls out Bad Ass. Completely unapologetic.
And it's not just that either...
Metal-AF was able to create a space of total acceptance so loving that yesterday I even found myself confessing my darkest secret to him. I ended up telling him about the horror of my sadistic side.
See, there's one thing you need to understand. All natural things in this world require balance and counterbalance in order to exist.
You don't get a creature of compassion like me without an equally sadistic darker side.
I keep that bitch in her cage, though. I only let her out when I'm alone. She doesn't belong in polite company.
However, I was able to tell Metal-AF about her, and he's the first person EVER that didn't flinch. Not even one little itty bitty bit.
Everyone else I've ever trusted that much... when I became vulnerable enough to confess that side of me... it was over before it started. Even the ones who stayed with me made it damn clear that they never wanted me to speak of her ever again.
Know what Metal-AF did?
He cuddled me tighter and told me he still loved me. He told me that nothing about me could ever shock him or scare him away. He told me that he's here to stay, and that he accepts and loves every part of me without reservation.
That's fucking LOVE, people.
That's TRUE LOVE.
He held me at my absolute most vulnerable, with me showing him the part of me that has always been rejected, and he loved me.
(deep breaths)
I mean, wow.
(deep breaths)
There's one more insecurity I noticed that doesn't exist around him either as well.
I fucking HATE making the first move.
I hate it because I can never tell if I'm really wanted. I hate it because I can never tell if the 'returned' affection is real, or just some sort of 'pity fuck'. I can never tell if someone is really into me.
So, I really prefer that the other person make the first move because then I feel secure in the notion that they do want me.
Totally a non-issue with Metal-AF.
Which is really interesting, because we've been cuddle buddies for a little bit now, and he only just told me YESTERDAY that he's a tad frustrated with others that never take the initiative in the relationships.
That's never been an issue with us.
I've always been like "Cuddle NOW" and then I just arrange him in the position that I want him in and I get my cuddles.
LOL, no one else lets me do that.
No one else creates a safe enough space where I feel comfortable doing that...
... omg...
... the spooning was the best part.
But, we'll get to that.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Despite the fact that Metal-AF was with me, my session with Valkyrie wasn't just a social call. We actually had work to do, and we did the work.
We started with the Blue Falcon. Should I have said 'okay' or 'sure' to his last message stating that we'd 'talk in a bit'? Should I have acknowledged the reception of that message and communicated my agreement that we would, indeed, talk in a bit?
Valkyrie asked me the exact same question that Metal-AF did. "Is the Blue Falcon the type of person who would have needed that type of confirmation? Or would he have inferred?"
Truth is, I don't know.
But, it was day-3 after the incident, which means it was about time for me to have my shit worked out about it. Valkyrie and Metal-AF were just there to listen and to confirm what I already knew to be true.
I've been making the first move with the Blue Falcon for months while he's grown progressively more and more distant.
It's his fucking turn to make the first move and decide/make it known that he does want me in his life. And if he doesn't, I don't have to care. I have enough people who love me. I don't need him.
--
Then we got into my depression over my intimacy issues. OMFG, this woman, my therapist, listened to my 'revelation' about me being the one with the intimacy issues... and she laughed her fucking ass off at me.
LOL, you see what I have to put up with?
She said she was really happy for me that I finally figured it out, but damn, she totally expected me to be self-aware enough to have figured it out a really long time ago.
However, it was already a non-issue. I'd already solved it and I had my beautiful Wonder Twin sitting right next to me, holding my hand. So, it was already over, done with, fine.
We talked about how that affected my relationship with Bran, and that was also a non-issue. I'd come to another epiphany about him and his own issues. I forgive him for everything and I'm going to let him love me within his own boundaries and limits. It's okay. He fucking loves me. It's all good.
--
Ohhhh... purr... we talked about Cuddle Crush... 'because you're mine.'
At one point I squee'd so hard that my entire body scrunched up, vibrated and I nearly shattered the windows.
It was too cute for words.
Metal-AF says he really needs to meet her now because anyone who makes me that happy is someone he needs to know.
--
We covered the new cuddle potentials... and that was about it... the rest of the time was purely social and they got to know each other a little bit. It was awesome!!
Physical Health / Self-Care:
- Blood Sugar - 109 - We’re going to be able to back off on the dose of my medication soon.
Family:
- Bran - Not sure about him... He seemed... -off- last night.
My natural inclination is to internalize it and make that my fault, like my cuddles with Metal-AF triggered his insecurities.
But, it could have just as easily been his bad day at work.
(sigh) This would be so much easier if he would just talk to me.
--
Update:
In between original composition and proofread, I got Mo.
We both needed that.
I like it when he stakes his claim on me like that.
So, we’re good.
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Oh... ye fucking godz... I get it now.
Okay, there's a chronological order to this.
Cuddle Crush found a way to let me know she's into the whole 'brat' thing... which I was like 'oh hell no!'
I was explaining this to Metal-AF last night, and he called Cuddle Crush a 'Brat Tamer' (Domme).
I told him why this bothered the holy hell out of me. The idea of intentionally disrespecting her in order to provoke her into some sort of abusive behavior to 'punish' me? FUCK THAT SHIT!!
Then Metal has his own revelation about a 'brat' in his life.
Okay, so this morning I wake up to Cuddle Crush sending me multiple pictures of just how ripped she's getting. And she's making me squirm like a little love struck thing and my pussy is all clenching at the sight of her and it's pure fucking torture.
And then I suddenly realized that this is her getting me back for sending all the sexy lesbian artwork to her, and I asked her if that's what she was doing. She said 'yes.'
I laughed my fucking ass off.
I'm talking fully bent over, can't even breathe, full-on belly laugh so hard I can't even catch my breath.
And then I ask her why we're compelled to keep torturing each other like this, and she just says 'it's fun.'
So, then I note how interesting this little back and forth game is, and the sense of annoyance when the other gets the upper hand.
Know what she does?
She fucking "Bwahahahaha's" at me.
Then she sends me ANOTHER pic of her fucking bicep, and I end up begging, pleading, whining at her to hold me down and fuck me stupid.
Godz damn mother-fucking shit!
I get it now.
There are different kinds of brats, and it's all dependent on the sub-style. The sub is still in control and no good Dom/me would ever expect his or her sub to act outside of his or her comfort zone.
Some subs are masochists or crave misery, so they act out in such a way as to provoke that kind of response from their Dom/me's.
Now, when it comes to each other, Cuddle Crush and I are both TEASE brats!! (Yes! I'm acknowledging my own bratdom here!) She and I both love to provoke the other into a sort of 'sexual attack' mode.
And here's the thing. I'm JUST as fucking Alpha as she is. I have NO problem making my desire for her VERY FUCKING KNOWN. I'll pin her down, kiss her, spank her, bite her, whatever it fucking takes to turn that bitch on and let her know that I expect her to get some naked on.
When it comes to the sex itself, she'll take control. I have no doubt about that. But she's going to need me to take the initiative and make the first move sometimes. She needs to feel wanted just as much as I do.
FUCK ME!!
I get it now.
I am a brat.
I can brat for her.
I can let her brat for me.
I can do this.
I am hers.
My life for her.
Cuddles
It just needs to happen.
He got to my place around 11 am. I was still wrapping up a few things. I think he ended up talking to Bran a bit. I needed breakfast too. We did get a bit of cuddle in. My phone was NOT playing nice. I managed to sort our ride anyway and Bran and I negotiated how to get us back home.
Valkyrie was surprised and not surprised to meet him. She knew he'd show up eventually, she just didn't know when. LOL, Metal-AF tried to tell me that I should prank her by saying I'd met him a day ago and we're soul mates. Poor guy. He has no idea the bond that Valkyrie and I have with each other. She'd totally understand if something like that happened to me. She trusts me.
Unfortunately, things were a bit tense for Metal-AF. He met more than one professional yesterday and by the end of it, he was more than a bit frazzled. It took some time for the stress to bleed off of him.
We did make it back to my place with Bran's help, and Bran did eventually end up taking off to do his own thing, but he did witness the cuddles. No clue yet if there is compersion there or not. I don't want Bran to feel insecure, but the truth is, he's fucking leaving me again. I'm letting him go to do him. He's got to fucking let me go to do me too.
So... omfg... this brings us to the fucking cuddles.
I told you I have no trouble taking the initiative, right? Well, one of the things I had to make clear is that I don't fucking care if he puts his shoes on the bed. He can't cuddle properly if he's half hanging off the damn thing. So, once we got THAT sorted... o m f g the fucking cuddles...
Fucking hell...
Somewhere in the back of my mind I always had this overly romanticised sense of what a cuddle should be, but no one ever lived up to my expectations... not until now. Not like this.
It was good when I was curled into him with my head on his chest and his arm around me, but then the shoulder that was down on the bed got a little sore and I needed to roll over...
That is when the real magic happened.
Metal-AF spooned up against my back. One arm wrapped around under my neck and closed against me while the other arm covered the top of me. His arms are long enough that his hands were easily able to clasp each other, AND MINE, together in front of me. He pulled me back, sooooooo tight against his chest that I felt him entirely enveloping me. Then I reached back with my legs and twined us into a little knot there too.
He was completely wrapped around me.
I was in this completely safe little cocoon of Metal-AF flesh and blood and bone. The sense of protection was so profound that all the tension just left me.
He warned me that he might get sleepy. I said FUCK IT, let's take a damn nap then. It was my normal nap time anyway. So I set my nap timer and we dozed off with him holding me like that.
Do you realize how much trust it takes to fall asleep with someone? How comfortable you have to be to allow that kind of physical vulnerability?
I fucking love him so much.
Bran came in to say hi and goodbye before he headed out... and then Metal-AF and I kind of woke up and started talking again... my dark confessions were made.
We talked and talked and talked. Hours slipped by without us even noticing. I rolled over and got big cuddles and forehead kisses.
We tried to get caught up on Supernatural. We failed miserably again. I mean really really miserably. We suck.
I don't think this whole watching Supernatural together thing is going to work out. We have too much to talk about.
Oh, godz... then his ride came before I was ready to let him go.
Then again... I'm never ready to let him go.
It's torture when we separate. I know he feels it too.
We have to move. End of story. We just have to fucking move. As much as we both fucking hate the idea of moving. We have to fucking move. We can't be apart.
Some of you might be wondering why I'm not thinking about such a drastic change to be closer to Cuddle Crush too.
It's simple.
I'm hers.
I'm hers alone.
She has her others. Her others can't have me. I am designated to be a separate thing from her tribe. Something she has that is just hers. She shares me with my tribe, of course, but on her end, I belong only to her and no one else. [fucking hell, I love that woman]
Metal-AF will keep me safe while Bran is away.
Metal-AF will keep me cuddled and loved while Cuddle Crush is with her tribe.
It all works out.
My Wonder Twin will always take care of me in the way that only he can.
Fucking hell, I love him.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
Clarity was laid down. He needs someone who will help him, but he NEEDS someone who will let him help them too.
So, he's super excited about me because we will have that even give and take.
Oliver is going to pick up where the Blue Falcon left off, just in the way that I'd hoped Bright Star would have, but I fucked that one up.
I don't need the Blue Falcon anymore, so if he's somehow just done with me, I don't fucking care. Oliver's on top of it.
End Notes:
Okay, my lovelies.
Bran was sweet enough to get me a case for November, so I could write on the road, and I knew this entry was going to be long enough to need it. But right now I'm waiting for my ride home and I'm at the proofreading stage, which I would like to do without distraction or interruptions. The posting of this entry will be delayed.
--
Just after 3pm now. I’m home, artwork chosen, ready to post.
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