I'm up over here being all invisible and shit.

Just a short entry while I'm struggling to power through enough coffee before I have to leave for my court date. I miscalculated the number of hours I would need to get ready and I only have an hour to drink up instead of two.

So... checked the calendar...

And, sure as shit, it's day three.

It's the day I woke up knowing 'I got this' and that I've Goddessed the Fuck Up.

I told you. The first 48 hours are the worst. So, the last two days have been hell. Depression, crying, abandonment issues like you would not believe!

Today I know who I am and who I have to be there for.

(sigh)

I've been told that my relationship with Cuddle Crush will not change and that she still adores me.

However, I've also been told that I should back off and just be a friend to her for now.

I agree with the second part wholeheartedly. She needs to work on herself right now. She needs to work on being who she needs to be as a whole person. She needs to discover who she is as an 'I' instead of half of who she is as a 'We', and I get that. I do.

It's just... fuck me... the abandonment issues are going nuts.

I have a husband who's literally making a career out of abandoning me.

My former favorite sweetie has expressed an interest in not even exploring a tangential friendship with me anymore. I'm pretty much on my own unless it's an emergency.

My twin flame cut me off.

The last guy who cuddled the stuffin' outta me is moving to a different state any day now.

Rabbit is stable and super sweet, but he's a father first and that's way more important. He's an employee second, which is just as important because that's how he affords to take care of the first. He lives a half hour away and gas isn't cheap.

So, you take all of that...

     ... and then my Fated Mate friend-zones me.

JUSTIFIED.

But, still.

Right now, my biggest fear is that some sweet, cute thing is going to come along and sweep her off her feet while I'm up over here being all invisible and shit.

(deep breaths)

I can Goddess the Fuck Up and just be there for her. I can squash my own symptomatic behavior when I'm in contact with her so that I don't set her off.

But, that's not going to stop me from freaking out on the inside.

There's just no option for a territorial marker here.

Don't worry!! She's my Alpha! She's already claimed me and marked her territory. This is the kind of relationship where being a little territorial is expected and okay. We both have abandonment issues. She knows she can be possessive with me.

I just don't know how she'd feel about me being possessive with her.

Doesn't matter.

I still need to back off so that she can heal on her own and become who she's meant to be.

Same as with Bran.

Same as with me, I guess.

I get it.

It just doesn't make it suck any less.