Yesterday, someone told me to write about Ascending and to tap into that feeling.
I'm really sad that this person chose to remain anonymous because I would have liked to have known who cared enough to notice how much I was hurting.
I'm that girl who could be crumpled on the floor with a thousand shards of glass pushed up under my skin and no one would notice my bleeding.
But, someone noticed and someone cared.
Who are you, mystery person? What made you decide to care?
Would you like me to drop you a way to say hello that isn't quite so public? Say 'yes' in the comments and I'll comment back with my email address. You can use that to chat with me on Google Hangouts too.
(sigh)
Anyway...
... stepping away from the mystery there...
... let's focus on what my secret admirer was trying to say to me.
Write about Ascending.
Tap into that feeling.
Okay mystery person, this actually isn't a foreign concept to me.
Some days I do get pulled down by my darker emotions. Yesterday, obviously, I was pulled down by despair. Under the circumstances, who wouldn't?
My own Borderline Personality Disorder is grabbing onto the emotion of despair and telling me that I'm not important enough to be worth staying for. They're telling me that I'm not loved enough to make any sort of a difference in someone else's pain. I'm not good enough, and I never will be. No matter what, I wasn't even a second choice... I wasn't even a choice at all... I wasn't even worthy of being given the chance to be a choice.
But that's the BPD talking.
And, let me tell you, it fucking LOVES to make someone feel 'not good enough'.
The polar opposite of that is exactly what your suggestion entails. The Ascension. Or rather, the Goddess the Fuck Up, as I like to say.
So, give me a moment here, I'm going to tap into that feeling...
...
...
...
I know who I am.
I know what I am.
I'm fully cognizant of my power.
I'm humbled by what I don't have the power to change.
(deep breaths)
It's not about not being good enough, is it? She asked me to hold onto the fact that she loves me and I promised her that I'd play the long game and I'd wait for her to 'see' me.
I'm scared that she's going to look the other way for a lot longer because the truth is, mystery person... the truth is, I need my Alpha to see who I am NOW and I'm terrified that I'll give up on her if she keeps looking the other way.
It's her natural inclination to look the other way. It's due to something that's completely out of her control, but it still hurts more than I can bear.
I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on to that 'love' when her actions don't match her words.
It's not her fault.
It's one of the flaws that I love so much about her.
It's the classic tug of war, you see?
The very thing that I love the most about her, is the very thing within her that is pushing me away and hurting me. It's the one thing that I could love about her that no one else ever could, and yet it's the one thing that could make my world so toxic that I can't survive in it myself, and I'd have to walk away before it killed me too.
How do I Goddess the Fuck Up around that one?
You tell me, mystery person.
My choices are love or self-preservation.
(deep breaths)
Don't worry.
I'm not going anywhere just yet.
Look at my last two years with Bran? He's literally made a career out of abandoning me and I'm still holding on for him, right?
I can be patient.
I can hold onto love in the face of hurt for a very long time.
But, this is my blog, and this is where I come to let out my hurt feelings, okay?
So, this is where I'm going to complain the most about how much it hurts so that I can suck it the fuck up for her when it comes to dealing directly with her.
It doesn't mean I don't love her.
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