Well, if you were astute enough to pay attention to the fact that there was an extra (not cross posted) entry last night, then you know I went completely dark yesterday.
I was ready to shut it all down and to shut everyone out. I was ready to turn off the fucking lights and just be completely fucking done with the whole fucking thing because ... it was all just too much ... too much pain ... too much effort ... too much being ripped apart, over and over and over again.
Rabbit held me together yesterday. The whole time I was going dark, he was right next to me. He's the reason there was still a part of me left to even listen to the light. Without Rabbit, things would have been so much worse. I genuinely feel that I would have descended into self-harm if I wasn't with him.
Hell... I even had money... I might have even justified walking to by a bottle of something dark and 100% Proof. I'm fully loaded on rat poison... I could have made sure I didn't wake up this morning.
I don't think I would have taken it that far. I wouldn't do that to the Spawn. I probably wouldn't have wasted the money on losing two days worth of productivity either... but self-harm?
I have enough sharp objects around here.
That could have been a thing.
Rabbit held me together.
Rabbit did the best thing anyone could ever do in a situation like yesterday. Like, the absolute best. The one thing I've only ever needed when I was in the dark like that.
Rabbit didn't try to get me to talk about it. He let me come to him.
Rabbit didn't try to cheer me up or make me less dark for his comfort level.
Rabbit did the best thing.
Rabbit validated my emotions... and he sat with me in the dark.
Oh fuck... I'm crying right now.
It was the best fucking thing.
He kept me company. He didn't let me sit down there alone.
That's how he held me together.
I wouldn't be as okay as I am today without him being there yesterday.
I got lucky.
I really did.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Valkyrie called while I was with Rabbit at his place and there was a minor technical difficulty with the phone call quality. Rabbit ended up overhearing part of the conversation, which I felt really bad about.
(sigh)
She got me into full meltdown mode. Not proud of that either.
I just left a message on her private line to let her know that I'm okay.
- Spoons - Big plans to get more of the apartment worked on today. Shower first, though. Spoons... finally learning how to play them.
- Fur-babies - Rabbit lives with the sweetest Fur-Baby!!! I tried very hard to get some Cat-Therapy, but she wasn't totally interested in me. Still... omg... what I wouldn't give to have that kind of fur on tap.
Physical Health / Self-Care:
- Blood Sugar - Still stable in the normal range... all good.
Family:
- Spawn - Still with the call quality technical difficulties, I was unable to call her last prevening to ask her how her concert went. I'm going to try to check in with her today, but it's going to be tricky because the call timing will brush up pretty close to my Cuddle/Dinner date with TCN:Sawyer.
Sweeties:
- Rabbit - I'm still very deadlocked into this thought pattern where I firmly believe that Rabbit deserves way way way better than me. I don't feel worthy of him. I don't feel good enough for him.
This isn't a self-esteem or a self-worth issue. This isn't that. It's this sense that he places too much value on me and I will never be able to live up to the expectations of that value.
And, it's all so completely fucked up because he has NO EXPECTATIONS. He's told me as much, and yet I'm so twisted that I still feel this way anyway. UGH!
I honestly don't know what this is. I don't know what's triggering these feelings here.
He's told me not to feel this way.
Other people I've soundboarded with have pointed out that if I pull away for whatever hangup this is, I'm making his choice for him and that's not at all fair to Rabbit, not one little bit.
So, if I still can't shake it...
... and believe me, I can't shake it...
... I'm in fucking tears just writing about it...
... for fuck's sake.
If I can't shake it, then it goes deeper.
There's a trigger, a root, some sort of secret shame... there's something in me or around me that I'm not ready to face yet.
There's a monster in the mirror and I'm covering my eyes.
Valkyrie and I need to work on this.
Rabbit is the kind of guy who will sit with me in the dark.
That's more valuable to me than you can possibly imagine.
That's the kind of safety and trust I've always needed in my life and I thought I'd never find anyone who would be able to offer that to me.
He did it as naturally as breathing. He didn't even need me to ask him or tell him what to do, he just did it.
--
I think I...
... oh... wait...
... now I remember...
I'm fucking scared as hell because he's a healer too. Also, a healer who's tasted as much darkness as I have.
My trauma has been my identity for so long that I don't know who I am without it.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS!!!
Fucking hell...
How the hell did I fall into that trap?
Dammit... I'm dumb.
Okay... now I know what this is.
(deep breath)
(shaking head with a small chuckle)
Okay... I'm on it now.
(facepalm)
I'm clinging to my trauma, and my trauma is trying to convince me that I don't deserve to be saved.
Dirty little mother fucker.
(grabs the blow-torch)
Killing you with FIRE now.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - In my darkest moments, I always forget where I stand with her.
I always forget where I'm supposed to be standing.
I always forget about where my footing is the most stable...
Or, rather, my ass... because I hate standing and this is going to be a while, so I might as well rest and conserve my strength, right?
I forget my power.
I forget who I am to her.
I forget who she is to me.
I forget it all because the separation from her is just too painful at times, but that is the path of Fated Mates. We go through long periods where we are kept apart in the beginning.
And, especially in Cuddle Crush's case, it's for the best. She needs this sense of dedication and cultivation out of me.
See, sometimes I forget that, and I want to give up on her.
Sometimes I just want this relationship so badly that it's all I can see, and I forget my promises to her.
I forget my promise to wait.
I forget the art of the long game...
...
...
... and then I come to my senses just enough to remember my promise to always go to her for reassurance when I need it.
And she gives it, without fail.
She soothes my aching heart and quells my doubts.
She reminds me of my Magick.
She reminds me of the fact that she's my Alpha, and that she HAS claimed me.
She reminds me of her love, our connection, and even if she hasn't figured out the whole Fated Mate thing yet... she still knows that there's something.
She reminds me that I'm worthy.
She reminds me that I'm loved.
...
So, take the high ground, Girl.
Play with an energy ball... it's going to be a while.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- TCN:Sawyer - So, we have our Cuddle/Dinner Date tonight. He's super excited about it and I am too.
I accidentally dumped on him last night. I've been accidentally dumping on him a lot.
I need to reign that shit in.
He needs me. He needs a guide.
He doesn't need some neurotic nut bag word vomiting her drama in his lap.
Godz...
I'm so fucked up.
End Notes:
Bran tapped in last night... I guess he'd read my blog... not sure how the hell that happened, but (shrug) okay. I still can't think about him without crying, but I can't let that show.
Rabbit's right, you know? I've been waiting for two years, and if I haven't gotten what I need in two years of waiting, I'm never going to get those things.
Bran's never going to own it enough to just say 'that thing where I ignored your pain for months and refused to help you was shitty, and I'm sorry you got hurt.'
I'm never going to get that kind of closure out of him. He's never going to admit that he played a part in traumatizing me. He's never just going to say those two little fucking words 'I'm sorry.'
He's never going to give me what I need to heal and move on.
And, he's never going to love me enough to solidify that bond in any way. I'm never going to matter enough to him that he'll give me a physical representation of that bond.
He's just going to keep abandoning me, over and over again, without ever giving me anything to hold on to or anything to help me feel connected to him.
I'm just not worth that much to him.
He's married to his work.
I'm just his fucking mistress.
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