I'm not looking back.

Yesterday was filled with sadness, but I managed.

I pretty much took the whole day off and just focused on my artwork collection and finishing up Season 2 of 13 Reasons Why.

There was one other thing, though.

You could call it an accomplishment of sorts.

You see, if I want to be recumbent in bed and still have November in my lap to collect artwork, she blocks the TV. I've been attempting to combat this by arranging my biggest, squishiest pillows into a kind of chevron, at an angle that I would lean back against. My left side open to the room.

The downside of this was that my left side was fairly open and unsupported.

Yesterday I looked across the room, right next to where the TV is, and I saw that big ass bear that had been passed on to me from the Blue Falcon. He'd been my friend back when I'd been reading a lot. He kept my knees elevated so I could hold my tablet more comfortably. 'Of course, the fucking bear!’

Then, as I was grabbing Mr. Bear, I remembered the two enormous pillow pets that have basically been in that corner for over a year and a half.

Um... yeah... why didn't I think of this sooner?

NEST!!

Achievement Unlocked!

I now have this really comfy little place to wedge myself into, and Mr. Bear is still good for elevating the knees/lower legs.

I know...

... it sounds trivial...

... trust me...

... nothing is trivial.

The smallest comfort is an act of self-care right now. Even something as simple as leaving my AC on at night. Everything is self-care right now because I'm all alone. It's just me.

I'm the only one taking care of me.

I hate to say that I'm used to it, but I was here for 14 months before, so... I'm used to it. There are several key differences this time, though.

I'm not nostalgic about anything in my past 'not alone'. This time I'm clear that Bran left me long before he left me and I'm done being the sad little girl waiting for my mate to return to me. Fuck that shit.

No, I'm looking forward to the future and all the Sweeties I'll be entertaining.

You think last weeks Cuddle Call will be the first/last time I'm going to do that? Hell no, I'm putting out those calls every week that I don't have the Spawn that weekend until I'm comfortable with the number of emotional support system Sweeties I've acquired.

Yes, I still want Iron as my Top Alpha and pack leader... but, he may not want the job, so I have to keep my options open.

So, I'm also not nostalgic about the wonder twin cuddles. I've learned rather quickly that I can feel that sense of safety and trust with others without being asked to justify any poor behavior.

And then that only leaves her.

What am I not nostalgic about when it comes to her?

I'm not nostalgic about being ignored. I'm not nostalgic about being invisible. I'm not nostalgic about my love and my loyalty being treated like garbage.

The loyalty especially. I've already moved on with another, much more well suited, Alpha and begun to wonder if she was just in my life to re-open my eyes to the possibilities of what I could achieve with a proper Alpha guiding me. I'm noticing girls more too... what if she was just there to open my eyes to relationships with women again?

At first, I clung to my loyalty to her because I didn't want to abandon her too. I did swear that I’d never give up on her.

It’s just that the kind of loyalty I’m tempted to hold with her is becoming toxic to me. So, if her lack of appreciation is the core of that toxicity and I know she’s not likely to ever really appreciate the true depth of my loyalty anyway... then what am I really staying loyal to?

My nostalgia?

Exactly.

I can stay in her life as a tangential being that she can still rely on if she asks for my attention, but that doesn’t require my remaining nostalgically loyal to what we were or what we could have been.

So, there are just all these things that I'm not nostalgic about.

They were a part of my old life.

They were a part of my old map.

The great force of the emptiness swept that map entirely clean... there was nothing left by the time The Shredding was done with me...

... and you know what?

... I didn't care!

... I just left!

... There was nothing left to hold me there, so, why stay?

Why stay somewhere that I obviously wasn't seen, heard, felt, or wanted?

Fuck that shit.

I moved up to a higher level.

Brand new map. New challenges. New quests and side quests. New support characters and NPC's.

Everything here is fresh, clean, and alive with promise.

I'm not looking back.

Yes, I'm still hurt, sad, and grieving.

Letting go is hard because my emotional attachments to those people and those relationships were very real. It's going to take a while for that to bleed off as I move forward with my new life.

And yet, I'm also acutely aware of this new High Ground, and the creatures that own these new skies.

Cuddles

 - Iron -  He hasn't really checked in with me at all this past weekend, and that has me more than a little nervous. I genuinely don't feel that he'd abandon me, but at the same time... you know how we Borderlines take silence. I really hope that we're still on for tonight. I really need him.

- Zane -  He's been pretty good at maintaining contact and we're hammering out details on when we can see each other again. He has no issue with 'chaste contact' if he comes over during Spawn time to watch some Supernatural with us. Not only would that be awesome, but it would also reinforce my trust bond with him.

Again, I'm SO impressed that he's willing to endure whatever physical discomforts prolonged arousal will inflict upon him just for the sake of my emotional wellbeing.

He's a keeper.

End Notes:  

I have some errands to take care of today. My Case Worker and I are picking up my new glasses and stopping at the License Bureau to get my ID with my new name started.

HEH!! Exciting times!

--

HEY, Lulz!

You know you're welcome to open up a dialog, right? Feel free to drop more than just a 'lulz' and let me know what has you so amused, okay?