I'm so afraid of waking up to nothing.

OMFG, I'm so tired right now, but I'm not at that 'wind down' stage where I could actually take a nap. I just ate a little bit more of my French Vanilla, Cherry Sugar Coma Bomb in an attempt to trigger some sleepies that way... but something tells me that I'll be unsuccessful.

I'm pretty sure my anxiety is up, which I wasn't counting on. My fear of abandonment is totally justified under the circumstances, but anxiety? When was the last time that was an issue?

Oh... right... when the Screeching Harpy was still living with us and I had to fight tooth and nail just to get Bran to sleep next to me for a night here and there.

I couldn't sleep when he was there. I kept startling myself awake, terrified that he wouldn't be there if I closed my eyes and opened them again.

This is like that.

Any time I try to close my eyes, the whispers keep coming in, telling me that I'm going to lose her too.

I can't sleep because I'm too busy crying as my irrational fears overtake me.

I'm afraid of being invisible.

I'm afraid of being forgotten.

I'm afraid that she's going to move on with someone else while I'm patiently waiting for my chance to be with her.

I'm afraid of all of my love and all of my faith being chucked in the sewer like hot garbage.

Thanks a whole fucking lot everyone who just left me! You've now worked my abandonment issues up so high that I can't even rest properly.

It's not that I don't trust her or her love for me. It's my BPD that's doing this to me and I have no control over these triggers.

I can't even close my eyes.

I'm so afraid of waking up to nothing.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I just had a long session with Valkyrie, and she's right there with me. Yes, everything is correct that this is the right time to be patient and to step back a bit. This is the time to be a supporter without necessarily being a partner.

But, this is also the step that will either make or break me.

She agrees that it could very well end up breaking me.

It won't stop me from doing the right thing.

It just leaves me terrified of the outcome.

I also told her about my other, secret letters blog. She agrees that keeping my deepest darkest thoughts out there, but not out there out there is definitely for the best right now.

It's pretty, though...

It has the Bubblegum Goth on it.

- Writing -  I have the idea for my next story, but that's a secret too. It's a revenge story. My eyes only, but it does involve an ascended being. (winx)

- #YarnSlut -  There's been the occasional twinge here too... just too tired to pick it up just yet.

 

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   I changed my Facebook profile picture to the Bubblegum Goth too. It's literally my most favorite piece of artwork that just screams 'TWITTERPATED!'

I changed it to support her.

I changed it indefinitely, so there would always be some reminder of how I feel about her.

--

I know I need to keep Goddess'ing the fuck up for this.

I just hope I don't live to regret it.

Cuddles

 - TCN:Sawyer -  He tapped in just a little today... all is not well... but, that's all I know... trying to get him over again for a cuddle and bitch.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Cain -  He tapped in too. Just enough to say work has been busy. So, that's cool. At least I know I'm not forgotten there.

End Notes:  

The judge signed off on my legal name change. I'm officially who I want to be.

So, there's that.

I needed a win today.

I needed for at least one thing to go right.

I needed to feel like there was at least something up there that's still looking out for me.

Fuck...

I'm so done with feeling like this.