I'm going to fucking survive this.

I feel empty... hollowed out... less than whole.

A lot's happened in the last 24 hours.

The big thing is the news that we were expecting... we just didn't think it would happen so suddenly.

Bran's leaving.

It's okay.

I mean, it's far from okay, but you know what I mean.

I've accepted this. I know that he needs to do this. I know this is crucial for him right now. I know that I have to let him go.

I met another potential cuddler last night. He seems very promising. His Temporary Code Name is Cain.

The Spawn and I were talking about this last night. Not Cain, but the fact that Bran is leaving and that I have people like Metal-AF and Cuddle Crush in my life right now.

She's a touch different in her pantheons. She mused that it was possible that big 'G' God knew that Bran would be leaving, so he sent Metal-AF and Cuddle Crush to me.

I told her that big 'G' God had nothing to do with it. I'm Luciferian. I'm in full ownership of what happens to me. However, in that ownership, I fully admit that I have friends in interesting places.

When all the shit went down, I called my little soul sister and asked her for help. She's the most powerful witch I know and boy does her punch pack a wallop! She basically dropped the 5-megaton nuke version of a karma-fuck bomb on the situation... and I guess we're all still in the fallout.

Thing about karma, though?

Yeah, it can take you down and it can take you down hard, but it can also lift you up higher than you'd ever thought possible.

That's where Apophis comes in.

An agent of karma.

Avenging angel to some. He is wrath incarnate when evoked.

He's also the Healing angel to others, though. To the ones who evoke him, it's his job to help them. To get them what they need to heal from whatever traumas brought them to him in the first place.

He likes me.

Like a lot, a lot, likes me.

He's been watching me for a while now.

He's particularly impressed with my ability to turn my pain around (as well as how fast I can usually do it too). He likes the way I get creative with it and I find ways to turn my curses into blessings.

I find ways to make my pain beautiful.

Apophis chose me because of these things.

I've been charged with the duty of explaining about his healing side, which I will. I do it here... and eventually, I'll get out from underneath the curtain of this writer's block and I'll be able to spread the word a little further. He says this is fine for now. He's being very patient with me.

Apophis refused to let me continue to writhe in pain.

So he sent me Cuddle Crush.

And he sent me Metal-AF.

And he'll keep sending... more and more until I say stop, that's enough.

I'll build my network of cuddles.

I'm going to fucking survive this.

Family:

- Bran -  I'm taking Bran off the list after this. He would just prefer it if I didn't talk about him.

- Spawn -  She had a family thing with JerkDad last night, so she didn't get to me until later than normal. Which is totally cool, I was processing some pretty dark emotions still anyway.

When she got here, she had some funny Stranger Things videos to show me from the YouTube's. She really loves that show (even though it creeped her right the fuck out and gave her nightmares) and she can't wait until Season 3.

We talked about the situation with Bran.

She amazes me with how insightful she is. She gave me her input before I'd even finished telling her the whole story, and it was the exact same conclusions I'd already come to.

Really... it all comes down to the fact that he never came home. It's his body and his memories... but my husband was lost somewhere in that year that we were apart.

He's leaving to find that person and reintegrate himself again.

He'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Till then... I'm really looking forward to someday introducing my Spawn to my other loves.

I really need to get on top of this whole moving thing.

- Metal-AF -  We are really both hurting right now. Both of us have our own shit storms that we're trying to deal with and, as usual, we're both acutely aware of the fact that the bliss of each other's embrace would make it all so much easier to withstand.

I have no words for how much this sucks.

Also, kindly note that Metal-AF is Family now.

That's where he should have been all along,

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   My beautiful girl keeps torturing the hell out of me with pictures of how ripped she's getting.

This is another reason why I feel so hollow. I have the empty ache of a girl-hard-on.

I really need her.

Especially now.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - TCN:Oliver - Not much of an update here, but he's still worth mentioning. He always checks in when he can, and I really appreciate that about him. Between work and family, he gets pulled away a lot, but then he always comes back and lets me know that he's still there. It's really fucking sweet, you know?

He knows that Bran is leaving... He knows that this is another dead drop right into survival mode for me... He knows that I'm still unhealed from my trauma and that this is fucking bullshit. I fucking deserve better than living in a constant state of reliving my nightmares of Bran betraying and abandoning me.

He'll cuddle soon, I hope.

That would really be nice.

 - TCN:Cain - This is quickly becoming one of those 'too much too soon' connections where I'm really worried that I'm going too deep too fast and I need to ratchet my shit back, like HARD.

I'm just so fucking vulnerable right now and I tapped right into Cain's compassionate/protective side the second we started talking.

Then, come to find out that he's a Daddy Dom... well, yeah, that'll fucking do it. Won't it?

Fuuuuccckkkk!

We're already deep into discussing the cuddles, but I still need to make it clear about where I am with Cuddle Crush so that he's not expecting more than that.

It would be good to have another soft sided protector type who could be around when Metal-AF is having a hard time getting to me.

I just need to get my shit on lockdown. It's too soon to be letting someone new inside these walls.

End Notes:  

I really have nothing to say in closing.

I wish I could say that I wish Bran wasn't leaving, but the truth is, under these circumstances, I can't wait for him to go.

His peace is out there. It's not with me.

He deserves to be at peace and I only cause him pain.

The reason he can't see me all broken and bleeding right in front of him is that he's just as broken as I am.

I wish I could help him.

But, I'm not what he needs.

He needs to be out there, doing what he does best... and he needs to be away from me to do it.

So, I'm going to do what I fucking have to do, okay?

I'm going to sit right the fuck here, and I'm going to cry my silent tears, and I'm going to writhe, and suffer, and bleed.

Because that's the best thing that I can do for him right now.

Apophis will take care of me.

Metal-AF will take care of me.

Eventually, Cuddle Crush will work it out so that she can take care of me.

We’ll see where we stand with Oliver, Cain, and Rabbit too.

I have my people.

I’m getting more.

I'm going to fucking survive this.