... one more dick punch in the abandonment issues...

Well...

I thought I was going to have a good day.

I thought I was going to start the morning with a positive entry. And, in truth, I could have faked it. I could have tried to remember what it was that I woke up thinking about and I could have still tried to move on with what I needed to move on with.

But right now there's only one thought on my mind.

Somehow I managed to poison things between my Wonder Twin and Me.

I woke up (blocked, again) but this time to a note telling me that I've been triggering him too much lately and that he's been in a dark place too much because of me.

I really don't know how to take that.

Metal-AF is the kind of guy who doesn't share his pain. He doesn't tell someone when he's upset. With the exception of the last 2-3 days, and I got mad as hell at him for it until I realized that his very justified lashing out (not at me) was tripping one of MY triggers.

See, I love that about him.

He stumbles onto my triggers all the time and yeah, I flip shit, but his calm always wins out and I settle down fast. Not fast enough to not flip shit, but fast enough today 'hey, wait, I'm flipping shit, I've been triggered' and then I work through it with him.

I consider it such a joy to learn more about the deeper recesses of my brain and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have by my side when it comes to walking into the veritable minefield in my brain with our sharp, pointy sticks.

I fucking loved him for that. I still love him for that.

That probably made me seem very volatile and it was stressing him out. It could have been other things too, like accidentally misinterpreting a situation and hitting the Haha instead of the Tear on Facebook.

I guess my point is... I if he was queuing me in that I was hurting him, I missed those ques.

Words on a screen relationships are HARD. So much gets lost in translation. If we had been physically together, I wouldn't have upset him so much, or I would have been able to read the fact that he was upset and I could have corrected the behavior.

As it stands, he wasn't clear enough with me that he was wounded, and whatever clues he dropped, I missed entirely.

I own my part in that, but it doesn't mean it sucks any less.

This is one more dick punch in the abandonment issues, and it's my own fucking fault, so I have no reason to complain.

I just lost one of the best things that have ever happened to me.

Oh, godz... first Bran and now this?

What if I just don't deserve anyone good anymore?

Am I that bad?

Have I become that person?

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Like I said, we missed our session yesterday.

I had a long talk with the Blue Falcon yesterday. I updated him on shit with Bran. He is very adamant that Bran and I need couples therapy. After he pointed out the faults in the communication, I'm inclined to agree.

So, I'll ask Valkyrie about that. Timing and scheduling would be an issue with a new therapist because I'm never going to know when or if Bran will ever be home. But, she can be pretty astute and impartial.

Plus, she's the only one who gets me and Bran doesn't even get me, so there's an advantage there considering how few therapists are actually good with BPD clients.

We're kinda fucked up.

Family:

- Metal-AF -  We covered this...

I guess right now I just feel completely numb. Like it hasn't even really hit me yet that he's gone.

I feel stunned like I just got hit with something really big, really hard and I'm still trying to register what the fuck even just happened.

I don't even know how my grieving process is going to play out this time... will I get angry like I did before?

Fucking hell...

This is all my fault.

I went off on him last night because he was lashing out, but he was lashing out because he's a big bear and he was wounded. Once I saw what I needed to see, it all made sense and I worked it out in my brain so that it wouldn't make me sad that he was lashing out.

But I still went off on him, and now I feel really bad for that.

I'm thinking about other things too...

… yeah, there was more…

… a lot more.

Fuck.

I thought we had an agreement to be real with each other. I thought that was our thing. That we could be honest when the other one was being... well, stubborn or kind of a dumb shit.

It was his job, as my protector, to call me on my bullshit if he saw me stumbling into something dangerous. Especially if it was a threat to my mental health. It was always his job to be totally honest with me if I was being stupid about something.

Like that stuff with Cuddle Crush a week and a half ago?! Remember?! Where would I be with her without his wise counsel?!

FUCK! What am I going to do without him to call me on my bullshit like that?!

See, I thought it was my job to call him on similar bullshit if it was stressing him out.

And it WAS my job to call him on his bullshit.

But, it was the WAY that I was calling him on bullshit that was totally out of line.

Fuck.

I'm an ass.

I screwed that up.

This is the first relationship I've ever had when it was my job to be that honest with someone, and I tried to follow the model of honesty that he put forward, but I fucked it up.

Fuck.

I don't deserve to grieve.

I deserve to hate myself forever for this one.

I was trying to follow his example and I fucked it up.

Sweeties:

  - Rabbit -  Short version: We have a date today.

We were supposed to get together after my weekly blood sacrifice to the anti-coagulation godz.

Guess who's on hold right now waiting to cancel her fucking appointment?

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   I haven't checked in on her yet, so I don't know how she's doing. I just know that yesterday she was excessively unhappy with things on her end. So much so that I was trying to convince her to let me go get her and bring her down to my place for a few days. She didn't bite, but at least the offer was made.

I still think she doesn't know what she means to me.

Who the fuck knows.

Maybe I'm fucking this one up too.

Maybe I don't deserve her either.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - TCN:Sawyer -  Today's entry was supposed to be all about the new kid, and about the Law of Attraction, and about how I'm really looking forward to the cuddle date I have with him tomorrow. He's even already set to bring me comfort salmon for dinner... which, now I realize was a preemptive strike in my requesting it.

Watch me fuck this one up too.

End Notes:  

I'm fucking worthless.

How could I do that to my Wonder Twin?

How could I hurt him so much that it was safer for him to turn away from me?

Bran can't even stand to be in the same state as me, and now I've lost Metal-AF too. Cuddle Crush is never going to take our relationship to the next level.

I have Rabbit... but, it's only a matter of time before I fuck that up too.

Maybe it's just time to go dark and stop trying.