But, once the lights are out... it's just me and the dark and my thoughts and it's pure hell.
I cry myself to sleep most nights because I just can't do this anymore. So, I stay up until my eyes can't stay open and then it's easier for me to fall asleep.
I pay for that the next day in fatigue and the inability to lift a finger to clean my house, overwhelming depression and a complete lack of emotional regulation. All of which I combat with more distraction instead of healing (because I have no way to heal) and the terrible cycle just repeats itself.
Until yesterday.
Iron dug into me.
He pulled a lot of shrapnel out.
I was in bed by midnight last night.
STILL, sleep had a very hard time coming, though. Even though I'd been so hopeful because I had been nodding off during Jessica Jones.
I must have tossed and turned for a while. I cried a lot too. I was having future conversations with Cuddle Crush in my head where I got to bring it to her attention that she'd shredded me as much as she did. (sigh) In my head, she feels remorse, but I know dreams like that are a joke here. She's too blinded by her own pain to notice the damage she's leaving in her wake.
I had another epiphany about her, though.
She started playing a Facebook game with me yesterday and I knew she and I were okay. I knew she'd forgiven me for my meltdown and we were back to being 'something' but not everything that we had been.
That game is actually really important to her. It helps her. It helps her mind. So, the fact that she still felt comfortable coming to me and challenging me to play with her... that... I know it seems like such a small thing, but it wasn't. It was actually pretty huge. It was the first brick in our rebuilding our relationship into something new.
When we played, I didn't try to read too much into it. I didn't go nuts and think 'maybe she still loves me' or anything like that. No, it was just 'her mind needs this challenge right now', and I knew it was a part of her own distraction and healing process. So, I gave it to her, unconditionally and without expectation. I gave it to her because I do still love her (always will) and even if she didn’t say as much, she needed me.
I realized she was still there.
I realized that I'd never actually lost her.
I realized that I'd only lost my expectations of her and what we could be.
I'm not letting go of her.
I'm not abandoning her, I'm not giving up on her, I'm not letting her go.
I'm just letting go of what I needed from her.
I'm finding those things elsewhere.
She's free of me...
... and that's okay.
Cuddles
I don't have any updates on either Iron or DIE! Both of them were not very talkative last night.
I do, however, have two cuddle dates today!! So, please pardon me for being so lax on my TCNs!!
- TCN:Cohen - is an older gentleman, very polite. Very spiritually aware and we're pretty clear that some co-healing is very possible here. However, my Cuddle Call was explicit. This is platonic - no sex - no relationship - not pushing it. There will be no blurring of those lines. TCN:Cohen and I are going to be 'just friends' and cuddlers, and we're going to call it good.
- Zane - once again, the Name Dice have struck true and this cuddler likes his code name better than his real name! LOL This is like the THIRD time this has happened. Zane is SUPER SWEET, younger guy, tapped right into the depression and broken heart syndrome and he is so on top of 'you need me, I'm there!'
I don't know yet if Zane is a 'healer' type, but with everyone else I'm pulling towards me right now? It's a strong probability that if he's not a healer already, he will be, and I'm going to be the catalyst for waking it up in him. So, this could possibly blossom into a fresh opportunity for me to teach again and wouldn't that be fucking amazing!!
Zane is down for horror movies and white chocolate popcorn.
But... omg omg omg omg omg... he also asked if he could do an overnight!!! *SQUEEEEEEEEE* NOT SLEEPING ALONE TONIGHT!!!
He wants to hold me all night.
(swoon)
Zane and I are clear on the 'no sex' clause too, but I gave him my reasoning behind it. I told him about the Year of Hookups and he was absolutely mortified to find out that I'd basically been used for sex for 14 months. So, he's going to be more than patient with me and if he wants a more intimate relationship with me, he'll take the time to develop that rapport so that I'll feel safe with him.
He gets it, and I appreciate that about him.
OMG!!
CUDDLES!!
--
Also, DIE! is coming back tomorrow!
FUCK YEAH, BITCHES!
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
Yeah, I know. I just realized I put them in Cuddles instead of Potentials too.
End Notes:
So, not uncommon for a 'Day Four', but I feel stable as hell right now.
However, after that much loss and that much damage, and just how bad this last month has really been? Even I know it's been pushing it and pushing it hard.
I'm acutely aware that I wouldn't be this stable without the work that both DIE! and Iron put into me already. Granted, Iron would argue that I was still doing most of the work myself and that he was just holding me together, and I do know that to be true, but I still feel like I wouldn't be this good without him especially.
It's important to note that Iron didn't 'replace' Cuddle Crush as my Alpha. No one could do that. She's irreplaceable. No one could ever be her. Not now, not ever.
Iron saw the shape of the hole she left behind and he adjusted himself to fit into it. He 'shifted' to become what I need, on multiple levels, not just the Alpha aspect. I love him for that.
I'm pretty sure that Iron is going to move into the 'Favorite Sweetie' slot that's been empty since the Blue Falcon.
Hah! Another hole.
He'd love that.
Lulz
ReplyDelete