Okay, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

New beginnings are often disguised as very painful endings (very fucking painful).

So, here I am... as of yesterday morning, awakened to nothing.

I lost Bran two years ago, I was just too blind to see it. Now he's off hitting his reset button and the person he'll be when he comes out the other side of that will be someone very different from any part of him I might have known. Our whole dynamic will change. Perhaps for the better? Perhaps for the final ending? No one’s really sure.

The Blue Falcon is gone. Those sweet wings that carried me through last year... he's moved on. There's no going back to that kind of support. He's a different person now too.

My Wonder Twin? Yeah, that never had the time it needed to develop into much. In the end, we were just two very different people. Eventually, that clash would have caused too much of a dissonance in the relationship.

And now we can add Cuddle Crush.

(deep sigh)

The harsh reality is that it was over before it started. Yes, there was absolutely a time when she loved me enough to give me a chance with her, but we were cock-blocked from so many different angles that a relationship of any kind was made impossible for us.

(sigh again)

Truth is, I don't really know what was in her mind, or in her heart, but there were times when I felt invisible when I felt meaningless when I felt like I didn't even exist to her.

I feel like that now.

I see her crying out for a very special kind of love. One with a very specific grade of parameters and it seems to me as if that was the exact same love that I offered her. But, she turned me down, and I don't really know why she did that.

I only know that it fucking hurts like hell.

(sigh again)

So, here I am, in all my anguish and despair, and I've literally lost everything. It's all gone. It's all ended.

...

... sooo... ?

... am I just supposed to take that?

Um, fuck no.

They're all moving the fuck on and working on themselves without a single thought or care for the devastation that they’ve left behind. So, am I supposed to let that break me?

I say again, fuck no.

Exit stage left.

Break new ground.

I'm not rebuilding shit.

I'm starting over from nothing (again), but this time it's truly from NOTHING.

For the last 10 years, I've always had Bran by my side when I 'rebuilt' myself from nothing and Bran isn't a luxury that I have this time.

I'm okay with that, though.

I've done this enough times that I'm going to be perfectly fucking fine doing it without the training wheels on.

I'm on my own, and it hurts like hell, but even though I went into last evening with nothing, I came out of it with something.

I spoke to Apophis and he told me that he'd be sending an envoy.

I was also instructed to find me some new boys and fuck the shit out of my depression, loneliness, and alone-ness.

So, I did something a bit brave, and a bit rash, and sure as shit that envoy found me almost instantly. That's seriously the most punctual any diety connection has ever been with me. Even better?! He fucking knew it too. As soon as we tapped into each other he was like 'yup, I was called to you and I'm gonna help you.'

Just took up the charge and practically demanded to be a presence in my life. Gotta love it when a guy is that strong of an Alpha.

Other cuddlers have chimed in too, which is good, because the Alpha has a busy life outside of whatever he's going to become with me and I don't want to get too clingy. So, the more boys the better.

But, you're damn skippy that I'm going to fixate the hell on him.

HELLO TWITTERPATION!!

LOL, YAY!!!!

(DEEEEEEP SSIIIIGGGHHHHHH)

Okay, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's still only day two - so I have a lot more meltdowns scheduled for today, but I should be mostly back to center by tomorrow.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I left a message for Valkyrie yesterday morning, telling her that my prediction turned out to be right and that yesterday was a cataclysm day.

Now, I have possibly TWO cuddlers scheduled for the upcoming 'day four' new cataclysm day, so there's a chance that the 'final end' of losing Cuddle Crush is what breaks the cycle of cataclysms.

I see the new Alpha in five days from today. That's seven days after yesterday’s cataclysmic event. So... hopefully, we've broken the cycle, but we don't really know yet.

- Spoons -  I didn't sleep last night.

- Writing -  Thoughts keep coming, but my world keeps shifting too fast for me to put them down into words.

Cuddles

 - Sawyer -  I'm taking the TCN off. We're just going to go with Sawyer. We had a good 'clarifying' chat last night that we will remain friends even after his move to a different state (in like, a week). I'm to tap in with small talk once in awhile, just to re-establish our bond. But, I'm also to ABSOLUTELY go to him for support during cataclysmic events. He has expressed that he may not always be able to respond right away, but he will respond.

We are both happy with this arrangement.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Cain -  We also came to an agreement that we do wish to take this into real space at some point, but we have no fucking clue what we are now that Cuddle Crush is gone. Our D/s relationship was defined as him preparing me for her, and without that purpose... what are we?

Now, after that conversation, something else happened. (I met Mr. Alpha) And I realized that I AM still capable of surrendering myself to someone and I don't fucking need her permission to do that.

So, things with Cain may remain exactly the same, but we'd just be doing it for us and not for her.

- Iron -  Oh, here we go… (meet Mr. Alpha)

Yeah, I have every right to be twitterpated here.

I was failing to console Cuddle Crush (again) when I suggested that she listen to the song Heaven's Coming Down by The Tea Party, and then I realized I should take my own fucking advice and listen to the damn song myself.

It brought me right back to center and I realized that someone was calling out to me and telling me to hold on. Someone was telling me that he loved me and that he was coming for me.

Then I kept getting the feeling that it was Apophis, and so I grabbed pen and paper and he confirmed it. He was staking his claim on me and he was coming for me.

Like I said, his envoy found me almost instantly.

I'm not sure if Iron will read this or if he'll relate to his 'god self' being the Agent of Karma that's been watching over me for a while now. But, I did ask him the very probing question of whether or not he would regard himself as an Agent of Karma, and he agreed that he is.

The last time I tried to tell someone that I met them in a spiritual form long before I met them in person, it didn't go so well, but Iron seems like the kind of guy who'd be a bit more open to that.

Iron describes himself as the kind of person who drops into someone's lap at the exact right time and the more he learned about me and my current situation, he was very fucking aggressive about me letting him help me.

Holy fuck.

I didn't realize until just this very second how badly I needed that.

He was fucking Dominant as hell and downright barbaric about me letting him in.

He showed me, within minutes, that she was not my only chance at an Alpha. In fact, the second I used that word to describe what she had been to me, he got his grip on me and refused to let go.

Fucking hell...

I see it now.

The second he met me and found out what my situation was, he splinted my wings without a second thought. He just did it. He didn't even ask permission.

He splinted my wings the same way I constantly offered to splint hers, but she rejected me every fucking time.

He came to me and offered me the exact same kind of care and attention that I'd offered her over and over and over again.

And then, he heard the word 'Alpha' and saw the void in me. Again, he didn't hesitate, not for one second. He just reached out and bent me. He claimed me.

That's exactly what Apophis said would happen.

"Because you're mine." - only this time, there will be actual follow through on the promise.

...

... yeah... I'm fucking good with this.

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, so these are the five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

- Warrior:Sarah - We go distant, we take the high ground, we're fine.

- Healer:Anne -  We see her pain, we grow compassionate, we empathize.

- Creative:Code Monkey - We listen to music, and wish that there were a way to reach her.

- Reticent:Alice -  We're hurt beyond belief that she can't feel our love, and doesn't want to. We get angry because we're in so much pain, and we lash out because it's so excruciating that it puts us into pure meltdown mode.

- Child:AppleSeed -  We respect the fact that we have a new Alpha now. It will still take a little more time, but at least for this breaking, we don't believe we're going to hurt much longer. We're hopeful at least.

End Notes:  

I've been chatting with Iron since this morning, and all I can say is 'wow'... good job Apophis. This is exactly what I needed.

I asked to not be alone.

I asked to not have to go through this alone.

I was sent someone who fucking crawled right down into that god damn, dank fucking pit with me and said 'you need a friend. HI!'

I'm good.

Thank you.