... so much for brave faces...

I think I maintained one fucking brave face yesterday.

It's all just too fucking much and I'm too broken right now. I can't keep all the pain inside. I'm drowning in sorrow right now and there's just so much hurt that I can't hold it back anymore.

My one brave face was Bran. I let him go without incident. I think he knew that I hated his leaving anyway, but it's just so fucking pointless to keep him here.

The Blue Falcon and I are working our shit out, but he understands that I've been getting kicked in the abandonment nuts a lot, so it wasn't just him that triggered me.

Brave faces are unnecessary with Metal-AF, of course, and for some reason, I trust Cain on that level too. So I completely unloaded on him as well.

But the one that's fucking killing me here is Cuddle Crush. Even as much as I love Bran and his leaving again hurts me, what happened with Cuddle Crush cut me deeper than anything Bran could have done.

She didn't intend for it to hurt me like this, and I made it clear to her that I know that. I understand her situation and she hasn't failed me. I told her that logically I understand completely.

But emotionally... and I trailed off. I couldn't tell her the rest.

Emotionally I'm fucking devastated. It's such a simple little thing. You'd think that it wouldn't hurt this much, but it does. It hurts a lot.

There's a new Polyamory group that we both joined on Facebook, and someone started an introductions thread. Cuddle Crush chimed in and mentioned all her partners, except me. She mentioned everyone including the ones she's currently on the fence about... but not me.

Like I was nothing to her.

Like I didn't even count.

We've talked about it and she's told me how badly she doesn't want me to feel that way. And it pretty much boils down to the fact that her partners aren't allowing her to date me yet, so the honest truth is, I'm NOT counted amongst her partners.

I can count her all fucking day long and twice on Sundays, but she can't count me.

She says she loves me dearly.

(crying my eyes out)

She says she loves me dearly, and I believe her. I believe in her, but this still hurts me so much.

I don't count.

I'm loved, but I don't count.

Yeah, so...

... so much for brave faces...

Being brave can fuck off.

Fuck all of you who can't handle the pain.

I'm crying.

Fuck you.

I'm crying.

I don't count anyway, so it's not like it even fucking matters anymore.

Family:

- Spawn -  Godz this weekend was so fucking hard for her. She hurts when I hurt and it was killing her to see me in so much pain this weekend. She felt so helpless because there was nothing she could do about it.

Fuck.

Fuck me and my stupid inability to hide my pain around my child. She didn't deserve that. She deserved to have a good time with me and I couldn't even give her that.

I should just fucking slit my wrists. She'd be better off without a useless thing like me for a mother.

- Metal-AF -  My one bright point is here.

Our relationship has progressed to the level where we absolutely count each other as partners. Our love for each other runs that deep. Yeah, we're always going to be platonic, but it doesn't seem to matter. We love each other like family. We regard each other as important as our life mates. We see each other as equal to them.

So, no matter what, I still have this. I still have my Wonder Twin. I still have ONE FUCKING PERSON who feels like home.

When everything else is crashing down around me. Husbands abandoning me, Fated Mates not counting me, closest friends growing distant on me... with all of that happening around me... I still have him.

I still have my rock.

I still have my protector.

I still have someone watching over me and keeping me safe.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   Wanna hear a joke?

Knock Knock

(you say: who's there?)

Broken Pencil

(you say: Broken Pencil, who?)

Nevermind... it's pointless.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Cain - Wow... our relationship is progressing a LOT faster than we might have expected. We're slipping into the Daddy/little roles very nicely. We even cyber-played a little last night.

I also asked if it was okay to introduce him to Metal-AF so that there was a little bit of 'Partner interaction'. Metal-AF wanted to make sure I'd be safe if Cain was going to be in a D/s role with me.

Metal-AF gave me his blessing.

Now I just need to figure out how involved Cuddle Crush wants to be in this process.

It's hard to tell.

It really is.

End Notes:  

I'm just going to go.

I don't want to do this right now.