Every once in a while I go completely manic about something creative. Usually, it's my writing or my #YarnSlut'ing, but other manias have managed to find their way in sometimes too.
Lately, it's been these mass artwork searches and getting the potential artwork choices correctly filed away and labeled for future blog posts.
This kind of manic behavior is also known as 'project mode'. It's another way that emotionally intense people like me can focus on something else for a good long while so we can avoid having to feel our feels.
Exactly.
It wasn't until the end of the day that I was then forced to confront the emotions I'd been avoiding all day.
The first was some serious emotions about Bran, which I will cover in his section, but the second was all this soul-crushing loneliness that I'd been feeling all day.
It seemed as if I'd had no one to really talk to and I was really hurting. I was missing both Metal-AF and Cuddle crush terribly.
I really needed to feel the safety and security of Metal-AF's arms wrapped around me. I wanted to talk to him about my feelings about Bran so he could help me untangle them.
And Cuddle Crush? Should you even get me started? My body has been on fire lately. It needs her touch so badly. I need her to quench these flames. I need her eternal kisses to seal this bond between us.
Fuck, I just need her, okay? These months of waiting just to hold her in my arms are really starting to get to me.
So, now I don't know what to do about this.
People work.
And I'm just here, alone, and lonely.
I feel like I'm just drowning in this loneliness.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - Valkyrie would have a field day working me through all this crap. I honestly hope it's still there for me to work through it a little with her. Especially the displaced aggression and resentment shit... I wasn't expecting that to come up and I'd really like her feedback on it.
Family:
- Bran - I'm in a really different headspace at the moment, so it's hard to pull back to where I was yesterday, but I bet Valkyrie would have a field day with it.
For some fucked up reason, there was all this displaced aggression and resentment towards Bran. None of it deserved. A stupid conversation in my head that never happened, and likely never would happen, and yet it happened in my head and I found myself getting reactive anyway.
For Fuck's Sake!
It was all about him feeling insecure, displaced, replaced, etc. About him feeling like I was connecting more with Metal-AF than with him.
And I found myself rather pointedly reminding him that there were jobs that he no longer wanted.
He gave up his position as my Protector.
He refused to take up a position as my healer.
He’s made excuse after excuse when it came to not being able to emotionally support me. And he's been making those same excuses for the past 10 years. I've TRIED to teach him the skills to be what I need. He's REFUSED to learn them!
So, in my head, there was just me getting all fired up and pissed off because for one, he doesn't want these jobs anyway, and for two, every time I've told him to come the fuck home instead of taking a job where he wasn't a million miles away, he told me that I emasculated him.
For reals, that's actually true, the only jobs that make him feel like a whole person are the ones where he can't get away from me fast enough. And even when he's here, he's not here. He's so preoccupied with preparations to leave me again that he doesn't even notice me, still cut to pieces over what happened two years ago, and still bleeding out right in front of him.
So, in my head, this is the conversation that happens because he doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to help me. He doesn't want me.
And in my head, I get angry.
Either stand up and treat me the way I deserve to be treated, or sit the fuck down and watch someone else do it for you.
I'm not pulling other people into my life because I don't love Bran.
I'm pulling other people into my life so I can survive the fact that I do.
I don't hate him.
I'm not really mad at him.
For whatever reason, he needs to be away from me and do 'man shit' to deal with his own traumas and I get that.
One of two things is going to happen:
1) he's going to get himself together and he's going to come back to me as the partner that I need and deserve.
2) he's going to decide that I'm better off without him, and he's going to fuck me up for life by leaving me once and for all. He'll cap off all this abandonment with the greatest abandonment of all time.
(deep breaths)
Now you know why I need my others more than ever right now.
Sweeties:
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - And my lovely here is the reason why I'm in such a different headspace this morning.
I'm still in this soul-crushing 'lonely' place, and I told her that. I told her how Absent Bran has been.
And then I remembered something else that had flitted across my brain. Something I was sure that Cuddle Crush hadn't done, but that I knew she should.
I realized that she probably hadn't shared my story, yet. I was sure that she hadn't told anyone about my past, my trauma, or how that trauma still lingers and affects my abilities to attain or maintain interpersonal relationships now.
I gave her everything she'd need. I passed along my message for her to extend my hand in peace.
I hope it helps.
Oh... fucking hell... I hope it helps...
I don't think I can go much longer without her.
Cuddles
- Metal-AF - He's in his own special kind of hell right now. Charlie's Angels might as well be Charlie's Demons for the meat grinder that they're putting him through.
And I'm his only point of sanity in all of this.
Me.
Yeah, me.
*I'm* someone else's point of sanity.
Does that give you any clue as to just how bad things are on his end?
For Fuck's Sake.
He's mine too... we do it to each other.
It doesn't matter how much inner turmoil either of us are dealing with, one touch and it all just falls away.
Spooning is the best, though. The cuddles are what we need to really cast off the darkness for a little while.
It won't be like this forever.
We're both fucking moving.
We're going to live walking distance from each other.
We're going to hold each other together.
Nuff said.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- TCN:Oliver - We chatted a bit while he was dealing with the dental thing yesterday and then he had some family stuff to deal with. Some 'not okay' stuff involving a beloved fur-baby and a possible Rainbow Bridge. So, I let him go to deal with that. I know we'll touch base when we can.
Friends:
- Rabbit - We had a short chat last night too. I'm going to trade cuddles for a back massage. Hopefully, this will work out and no one will get hurt.
End Notes:
Um, I got to bed at a decent hour last night. Not quite 11pm, more like Midnight... but better than 2 or 3 am.
I hope I can do housework today. I still feel pretty emotionally wiped out.
We'll see.
No comments:
Post a Comment