... not the relationship goals I had in mind...

Yeah, so yesterday was totally fucked up. After I wrote the entry I went and grabbed a nom and tried to watch some more Netflix, but I then started dozing off again.

So, I closed everything down and went right back to sleep for another 3 hours. Even after that, I still couldn't wake the fuck up.

Bran is back in town for the weekend to work his final shifts at his job here. So he was working yesterday and then he came home and took a shower. Then we absolutely had to go grocery shopping. I was so wiped out that it was hard, but we got it done. We ended up having to hit three places so I could stock up on staples, get fresh apples, and get some food noms for dinner (yay salmon!)

We got into a bit of an altercation on the way home in regards to my abandonment issues. I got pretty assertive in making damn sure he knew that he had abandoned me, that he is abandoning me, and that he will keep abandoning me.

Of course, he said nothing. He can't face up to the fact that he's hurting me. He can't face me. He can't face his own fears of failure when it comes to me.

This has become the staple of our relationship. We just don't bother talking anymore because we never seem to get anywhere.

He says it's because I'm too fucked in the head and he can never untangle the mess of what's wrong with me when I'm hurting. I told him that it's confusing for me too, and that's when I need to talk about it, which I can never do with him because he's always too fucking busy running away from me to help me. This is the new Bran. Now, instead of getting all defensive and invalidating my emotions entirely, he just runs away.

I'm starting to feel very unsure about this here.

All this running away.

These are not the relationship goals I had in mind when I signed up for this.

I’m starting to wonder if we’re really in a relationship at all anymore… or are we just going through the motions whenever he’s home?

This fucking sucks.

Family:

- Metal-AF -  I accidentally tripped one of his triggers last night. Apparently, my fear of abandonment can hit his possessiveness trigger... ugh, I feel so bad about this because my abandonment issues are going to be on high alert for a while and I don't want that to cause any strain between Metal-AF and me.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

He's all I have left right now.

We've talked about it since, and we're on good terms. We both know what's up. We still love each other and we forgive each other. It's just that I get so scared sometimes.

I'll need to find a way to ask for reassurance with him without tripping his triggers.

Or, we just need to cuddle more.

All the Bad JuJu goes away when we cuddle.

He's my Wonder Twin. We belong together.

Sweeties:

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   For some reason, I feel like I'm in a sketchy place with her right now too.

I feel like she put in some effort to communicate more after the way she hurt me, but now we're back into our old patterns of her just living her life on the outside and only tapping in with me when it's convenient for her. Not that I should expect more, I just don't want it to turn into less, again.

And, what can I do but wait?

She says she's still fighting for us and that she's not giving up on us, and I have to trust that, right? Of course, I do.

It's just the fears of abandonment. They cloud my perceptions here as well.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Cain -  We didn't get a chance to chat much yesterday, but I know we're still on each other's minds. Whenever I message him, I call him Daddy, which I know he appreciates.

This morning I got this wonderfully adorable Harley Quinn sticker back where it said 'Hey, Puddin'!' above her head.

We check in when we can. It's all good.

End Notes:  

Bran is off to acquire us breakfast, then we really have some major shit we need to take care of today. Stuff for my legal name change hearing coming up super soon.

I could be who I want to be.  :)

This makes me happy.