I woke up this morning thinking about closure and about how necessary it is for some of us. And about how some of us are never going to get what we need.
No matter how much we may dislike this thing, sometimes the apology we need is just never going to happen. For whatever reason, the person that hurt us feels absolutely no remorse for the pain that they have caused.
What's bad is still moving in the same social circles as the person who hurt you. It can be enough to shut you down and close off your social connections.
What's worse is still being in some semblance of a relationship with that person. Like trying to maintain a friendship.
In my case, I still call him husband.
Why? I'm sure you ask.
If he hurt you that badly and he won't own it, then why are you still with him? Why don't you get out? Leave? Dump his sorry ass?
It's really not that simple.
He really is a good guy and he really does try to take care of me as best as he can. He does love me and he does show it.
I was venting my hurt to TCN:Sawyer during our cuddle date and trying to explain the strange juxtaposition there, that this good guy still managed to traumatize the fuck out of me, and I've forgiven him, but I'm STILL HURT because he never actually apologized.
TCN:Sawyer's take on that was that my good guy husband is experiencing some sort of cognitive dissonance here. His own, deeply ingrained, 'I'm the good guy' self-image is so seriously threatened by the accountability that he can't admit to his fault in what happened.
When TCN:Sawyer said that, it tracked.
There was this one day when Bran and I were driving around running errands and I had quipped off some snippy remark about how he won't even acknowledge my sense of abandonment.
He said that he acknowledges it only tangentially because if he were to fully acknowledge it "He would have to ADMIT that he's doing it."
So... there it is.
In regards to the months of neglect/abuse/trauma where he ignored my meltdowns, my deteriorating mental health, and refused to help me - I will absolutely NEVER hear the words "That was shitty, I own the part I played in that, I'm sorry you got hurt." - Note: I don't even want to hear "I'm sorry that I hurt you" - I only wanted "I'm sorry YOU GOT HURT."
But, it's never going to happen. I'm never going to get that closure because his 'good guy' self-image is still more important to him than my mental health.
In regards to the commitment ring that STILL is not on my finger, I'm never going to get the validation that he fucking lied to me about giving me some way to feel connected to him while he abandoned me to focus on his career. Two years of this shit, and now he's literally making a life choice to choose his career over me. He's literally making the life choice to continue to abandon me, over and over and over again with zero regards for my mental health. And I still don't have that ring to help me feel connected to him.
He's still going to keep me in limbo while he has one foot in and one foot out of our relationship. He's still going to keep me guessing, every fucking day, over whether or not he's ever coming back to me.
I'm crying my fucking eyes out here...
Closure, Bitches.
Sometimes you just have to move the fuck on and realize that it's never going to happen. Sometimes you have to completely get a grip and give up on a person.
In regards to the first. Yeah, I forgive him even though he's never apologized, but I'll never trust him to safeguard my mental health ever again and I will always secretly scoff any time he dares to tell me that my mental health is a priority for him.
In regards to the second. It's an open fucking relationship and he can either stand the fuck up and treat me the way I deserve to be treated or he can sit the fuck down and watch someone else do it for him.
Up until one minute ago, I would have said that I knew someone who would have been that person.
But, she just abandoned me too.
So... fucking closure, huh?
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - I was literally just going over the timeline with Valkyrie yesterday and I predicted that my world would cave in today.
I was fucking right.
Sweeties:
- Rabbit - I need to stop saying that Cuddle Crush was the only thing I had left. There is still Rabbit.
I just feel guilty for defaulting to someone that I don't have that deep soul connection with.
I've lost my soul mate, my wonder twin, and now my fated mate. All my predestined mates. All the people who should have stayed with me.
The connection I have with Rabbit is much more mundane, but it's still there. I still have someone who will support me.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Um... short version.
Cuddle Crush was abandoned a few days ago. She was devastated beyond belief and went away to be somewhere safe, but she had no access to communication.
She began using her best friend as a relay to let me know how she was doing and to tell me she still loved me.
The best friend started off okay but then started throwing up the cock-block of saying that Cuddle Crush needed me as more of a friend than a lover right now, to which I completely agreed.
This morning the best friend is telling me that I was only ever 'just a friend' and that while Cuddle Crush has always cared about me as 'just a friend' it is only ever going to be as 'just a friend' and that Cuddle Crush is getting back together with her ex and now I just need to back way the fuck off.
So, this is either a massive cock-block from the best friend.
Or, Cuddle Crush has been leading me on this whole fucking time.
Both make sense.
I’m fucking devastated right now.
End Notes:
Cuddle Crush will still be mostly unavailable for the next, good long while… so, good luck with closure there too.
I’m done.
I’m so fucking done.
I’ve never hurt like this.
Waking up to nothing... indeed.
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