Where are the rest of my boys?

Yup, definitely day 3.

I had the bulk of my epiphanies yesterday morning, dug up some triggers and killed them with fire. What I missed in the morning got sorted out during some of the best conversation I've had in a while.

Now, that's not to say that I haven't had other awesome conversations lately, Truly, I have. I learn a lot about myself and my situations when I talk to Rabbit, for example. It's just that last night had a specific purpose in mind and we both (well mostly) stuck to that purpose.

I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Last night was my Cuddle/Dinner date with TCN:Sawyer.

I found him by his introduction into one of the local Poly Groups on Facebook and just zeroed in on him like a sniper.

A sniper made of pure Cougar, that is.

He was young and cute, and he pulled at my little Cougar heartstrings because I knew he could benefit from my experience.

Chat's happened almost immediately after his post and it quickly became obvious that this was another two-way street relationship. Yes, even though he was much younger, he'd already experienced a wealth of life events similar to mine and had his own perspectives on understanding, healing processes, and moving on.

It's... uncomfortably fortuitous that all this initiated right when I was falling apart (again) and I was unable to hold back when it came to how much pain and confusion I was enduring.

I honestly didn't mean to dump on him like that. It just happened.

However, he kinda needed that, I think it's what made him feel more comfortable with dumping on me.

We BOTH had so much internal garbage that we were still trying to sort out... we both shared similar mindsets and emotional barriers/alignments that made us uniquely well suited to understand each other's hangups... and yet, we were just different enough to attack each other's problems from a different point of view and help sort out the individual confusion.

We stayed on topic for the most part. He wanted to know some of how poly relationships get initiated and later pointed out that I NEVER miss an opportunity to gush the fuck out of Cuddle Crush... (um... oops?)

We talked about things like emotional attachments and abandonment issues.

Obviously, I had a lot to fucking say on abandonment issues.

He may actually keep the name Sawyer. He has his reasons. I'm not sure if he'd be comfortable with me divulging them yet.

I loved spending time with him. He really was wonderful. Unfortunately, he's moving to another state in a few weeks, so this is never going beyond friendship, but he'll still be someone I can go to for advice when I need it and I sincerely hope that he maintains contact with me for the same reasons.

I feel like we've developed a really strong foundation in that regard.

So, yeah... The epiphanies happened yesterday, but I was still emotionally raw... fuck me, TCN:Sawyer cleared that right the fuck up.

Amazing fucking, tight ass, cuddles... need more of that in my life.

Really... c'mon Law of Attraction.

Where are the rest of my boys?

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I did leave a message for Valkyrie telling her that between Rabbit, Cuddle Crush, and TCN:Sawyer, I was talked back from the edge of the abyss.

It's good that I have people.

- Spoons -  I've been worried about this because the living room especially is still a little discombobulated since Bran's departure and apartment inspections were coming up.

My inspection happened yesterday and my managers told me it was 'microscopically messy' and not to stress.

I have to walk somewhere today to pick up some Vitamin C, I'm out as of my last dose today. I have to take Vitamin C because it helps with iron absorption and I'm quite anemic, so being out of Vitamin C is actually a big deal.

I think I might actually look into buying some Emergen-C. I love that stuff and I have just a little bit of flex this month...

- Writing -  I had a SERIOUS 'Aschervon' twinge yesterday.

Think about it? With Bran gone and Rabbit helping me confront my issues over Set?

This is the perfect time to turn to Daniel again and take comfort in him.

I can probably afford that Windows Key next month, that will get me my Scrivener back and I can start writing again.

The only thing I worry about a little bit is remembering all the steps I needed to take to make the expansions work.

Fuck the word count.

I'm never going to legit publish this. I'm going rogue and throwing it out there for free. I don't care about being a recognized author or anything. I'm not writing for a career anymore. I'm just writing to get shit out of my system and to try to help people.

I want my work to be read. I'm not going to cripple the poor by making them pay for it.

- #YarnSlut -  I'll be curious to see if this comes back too.

It's really going to come down to whether or not I can force myself to start going to bed on time.

- Fur-babies -  Ran into Patches in the hallway yesterday. He was refusing to go outside and chose to purr at my feet instead. Heh... I can live with that. A cat likes me. This is a good thing.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  It was LOW this morning!! Under 100! I'm using real milk and sugar in my coffee today. I see my weight loss doctor in about a week and a half. I'm going to talk to her about backing off on the dose of one of my meds.

Body is healing, people. This is a good thing.

Sweeties:

  - Rabbit -  This guy is also amazing at some really tight as fuck cuddles... and he's also got the aggression that I need too.

I really need some private time with him again soon. I'm craving his touch.

- AmbiguSweeties -

  - Cuddle Crush -   Seriously... where do I even fucking start with this woman?

I mentioned that TCN:Sawyer told me I never miss an opportunity to speak of her. I told him this morning that I was a bit embarrassed by that and that I didn't realize I talked about her so much.

He came back with perfect understanding and told me that crushes are for obsessing over.

Fucking hell, he's so right.

She was the first person I went to when I was circling the Abyss yesterday morning. She pretty much told me to Goddess the Fuck Up and that she loved me.

So blunt, but so poignant.

I told her what had happened and how it made me feel, and she told me that one person not deserving me didn't take away from my being worthy and loved. She reminded me that lots of people love me and will stand behind/beside me.

I babbled a little more at her, soundboarding off of her and coming to my epiphanies with her.

She's fucking AMAZING for that shit!!

I sort out so much of what's confusing in my head when I talk to her. And then I let her go, she had something she needed to do.

I pinged her this morning to ask her how her thing went, and she accidentailly Facebook called me at 8:47 this morning. She didn't even know who she called. I said 'well, hello' or something like that and she asked me who I was. I said 'you called me!', and she asked 'who did my phone call?', and I told her.

What followed was this terribly short, super awkward conversation where I honestly tried my best to play it cool, but she knew I was just totally speechless, and later I messaged her to tell her that I'm just shit over the phone. In person, I can just smile and nod like an idiot.

Just a few minutes ago I settled on her artwork for today and I sent it to her, she was very much in the appreciation and then the sassy, teasing bitch sent me back her latest... um... Amazonian pics?

Fucking hell.

Now I'm trying to catch my breath and I need to do some serious self-love to bleed off all the sexual tension.

It's insane.

Guys send me dick pics all the time and I'm like 'ew, gross, whatever, I don't care'. She sends me a picture of a bicep and I can't even fucking breathe for a minute.

All I can think of is how strong she is and how she's going to use all that strength and her natural aggression to take me... fucking hell... this woman knows what I need... she knows I need 'no mercy'. She knows I need to be fucked to within an inch of my life and she's fully prepared to take me there.

Fucking hell...

My whole body is on fire right now.

Ugh... I need my Alpha.

Cuddles

 - TCN:Sawyer -  Like I said, chat's happened almost instantly. He posted his intro just four days ago (Sunday), right around 10 pm. I responded with my warm welcome and my invite for him to message me off group about a half hour later.  

It was very late night (just after midnight) Monday (Technically Tuesday) when he did message me back and thanked me for my interest.

So, about 26 hours from first contact to, 'hey!'

He wasn't even expecting me to be awake that late, but... lol... yeah... we had a short conversation.

One of the things that made him message me was that he'd actually checked and noticed that I don't reach out to very many people like that. So he was very flattered that I'd singled him out.

It was Tuesday night around 9pm that I came clean about my abandonment issues getting triggered. He said he had some experience there as well and might be able to offer some fresh perspectives. I told him that it sounded like we'd found the topic for our first cuddle date, and he clamped down on that fast. Turned out he'd already decided that he wanted to meet me in person, and it was just a matter of when. (so, 21 hours from 'hey!' to 'date?!' - less if you count that his drive home was about 4-5 pm'ish - So, yes, this escalated FAST!)

We settled on Thursday (last night)

Wednesday turned out to be a bad day for me, but I had support, very much including him.

Thursday (yesterday) during the morning/day I was in contact with TCN:Sawywer quite a bit. One of the things he'd asked me on Tuesday was if he should bring anything for dinner. I told him he was probably going to regret asking me that.

Oh yeah, you know exactly where I went with it.

Straight for the comfort salmon!

Total preemptive strike too. I had no idea Wednesday was going to be a bad day, but I was definitely down for some comfort salmon last night.

He showed up around 5. He's not partial to salmon, so he had the tilapia for himself. We were both hungry enough to eat, so I took care of the preparations right away.  

We feasted while lounged in the Chamber of Snuggles. I had my Spotify (Aschervon Playlist Radio) casting to the TV via my Chromecast, and he was fine with the music.

Fuck me, don't ask me what we talked about. We were all over the fucking place. It was DELICIOUS!!

After dinner, I took our plates and set them in the kitchen. Then I came back, lounged and reached out to touch his leg or something... he raised the arm closest to me in the very clear 'get over here' invitation...  

Heaven.

Just, fucking... pure... godz damned heaven.

That fucker can snuggle!

D a y u m ! He can snuggle.

At one point I asked him how he felt about skin. He asked me what I meant and all I could manage was a fucking awkward giggle (like what the hell?!) but then he got it and said sure.  

It was perfectly chaste, just shirts off... rawr... the skin on skin contact just heightened the experience for me.

It never escalated further than that, though. Which, I would have welcomed if it did, but I wasn't getting the return signal that it was okay.

I did teach him how to pull hair, though. Holy fucking hell... I needed that.

I'd have to say, though, that as much as I loved the closeness and the intimacy of our 'no fear' level conversation (seriously, we get each other) Probably the best parts for me were when we weren't talking at all.  

Sometimes those cuddles transitioned naturally into our arms wrapping super tight around each other, and the solid pressure of that constriction of our bodies close together.

It's difficult to articulate.  

It's peaceful... calming... loving... safe...  

I want more.

I'm deeply saddened that he's moving away. I really feel like this could have been something.  

But, you know how it goes, Law of Attraction and all.  

When someone like TCN:Sawyer shows up and it's that delicious but clearly temporary, it's a 'wake up' and a 'needs assessment' of what's to come. Little mini-relationships like this are there to solidify the mental construct of the model attachment.  

It's a template to clarify the intent of what should be brought forth.

It's a way of calling out to those cosmic forces and saying 'Hey! This thing? This temporary thing? It was damn near perfect, more like him, please?"

So, there's little doubt that TCN:Sawyer and I will have a loving friendship moving forward. It will be a long distance thing and will likely gradually fade into one of those things where we only contact each other when we have a problem to solve that the other is uniquely skilled in the best perspective for.

But, we're not intended to be lovers or mates of any kind.

I'm cool with it.

Still would have loved the chance to Cougar the snot outta him, but the truth is that skin-hungry/platonic cuddles are just as good, if not better. It satisfies the need for skin, contact, touch, passion, and connection without all the sweaty embarrassment of slapping flesh.

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized I’m dissociating again, so these are the five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

- Warrior:Sarah -  Out of all of my emotional conflict of late, Warrior:Sarah is the voice of strength and of reason. She's the one who can put on a brave face for everyone and pick up the ones who have fallen. She's the Valkyrie and the Protector.

Out of all the voices, she's the one who fully understands why Bran had to leave. She loves him deeply, she supports him without question, and she calmly tries to soothe the other voices who struggle so hard with his departure and his absence in our lives.  

 - Healer:Anne -  Here we find a great deal of compassion towards Bran and his nees, but the actual main focus of Healer:Anne is centered on Rabbit right now.  

Rabbit is the one who can finally heal our wounds from Set and bring us back to the kind of wholeness as a Goddess/Healer. Rabbit is the most important person to Healer:Anne.

 - Creative:Code Monkey -  Tied directly into Healer:Anne's relationship with Rabbit is Creative:Code Monkey's ability to possibly pick up writing Torvus again. It would be wonderful if we could start writing again. We've truly missed it.

- Reticent:Alice -  And here we have the other side of the emotional conflict, the polar opposite of both Warrior:Sarah and Healer:Anne.  

Reticent:Alice is the one with the hardcore abandonment issues. She's the one who can't stop crying over Bran's leaving. She's the one who's so bitter towards him and can't understand how he could leave us again. Deep down, she probably even hates Bran a little and can't figure out why the rest of us are so devoted to our relationship to him. I think part of her wants to move on and try to find a life-mate who won't leave.

Reticent:Alice is also where the sense of 'unworthy' was coming in when it came to Rabbit. She's the one who was so tied to our trauma over Set that it defined her.

She gets it now, though. She's got to let it go. She's got to let it all go. Everything with Set has to go. It's time.

- Child:AppleSeed - This one kinda doesn't care. She's fine. As long as she has the stuffy elephant to sleep with, she's good.

End Notes:  

So, yeah...

Day 3 after cataclysmic soul-crushing life event... I'm okay. I had the right support in the right amounts to move on.

I'm still sad that TCN:Sawyer is leaving, but I still know that more like him will come in the future.

(sigh)

I need more boys, dammit.

I need more time with Rabbit. My relationship with him is crucial right now. There’s just a lot there that he can help with, and I need to be there for him too. He’s the only thing in my world that is stable. I need that… I really do.