Did you ever have one of those motorized animal toys as a kid? You know? The kind that would walk forward a few steps and then make an animal appropriate noise and then walk forward a few more steps?
It could have been a puppy that barked or a kitty that meowed. Even a chicken that clucked.
Were you ever the kid that would get super excited and pick it up while it was still running? Did you ever try to hug the damn thing?
Did you ever hear the gears grinding as it kept trying to move?
Even if you weren't, just try imagining that for a little bit. You have something with natural forward momentum and that movement is being forced to still, but that force isn't quiet...
... it's grinding and grating and it's so unnatural.
People can be like that too.
We can fight things.
We can fight our natural momentum.
We have our reasons, of course, but it's still a fight. It's still the terrible grinding of those gears that want to move but they're being bound tight like a toy in the arms of an excited child...
... yeah...
... that...
Rabbit was holding back because I'd told him that I might not be able to return his feelings for me. (I guess he wasn't keeping up with the blog.)
I was holding back because of Cuddle Crush. I knew I couldn't bear to do anything that might hurt her.
I did get a chance to tell Cuddle Crush about Rabbit's upgrade from Friend/Cuddle Buddy to Sweetie status and she gave me her approval, but I still feel so tense about it.
Last night Rabbit and I admitted that we'd fallen for each other and that we're in love.
Fucking hell, why does that scare me so much? He's an amazing guy with so much compassion and warmth (and aggression right where I need it). Is it just changes? Shifts? Does moving forward with him mean letting other things go?
These are all things I need to talk over with him at length. There are still things I need to hold onto. I'm not ready to just drop everything and be with him and I just need him to be okay with that.
And, of course, there's Cuddle Crush.
She's still my Fated Mate. She's still my Alpha. I still need to be a proper wolf-girl for her.
(sigh)
You know what's really fucked up about all of this?
This is all my anxiety talking.
All of it.
I'm overthinking this whole fucking thing.
Rabbit made it more than clear to me, more than once, that he has no expectations and that he will only take what I'm willing to give and not ask for more.
I still need to talk to him about all of this, though. I need to share my anxieties with him so he can understand where my head is at. I really feel that's important because he's important to me now. I need him to know how careful I'm being about not wanting him to get hurt at all.
Cuddle Crush too.
I can't hurt her either.
My heart is more than big enough for the both of them.
I know I can do this.
No one ever died from an overabundance of love.
(well, Metal-AF might, poor guy... )
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - I know.
And trust me, she'll ask it today too.
Where does Bran fit in with all of this?
He's not gone. My loves are going to have to accept the fact that I'm not ready to let him go, yet.
However, Bran and I are both evolving right now.
Bran is becoming someone new and that growth doesn't involve me at all. There's still no telling on whether or not that will ever include me in the future.
We will never go back to what we are before the traumatic events of 2016. Rabbit helped me realize that trying to get that back is a lie. It's never going to happen.
Rabbit also helped me to realize that the apology I need is never going to happen. I'm never going to get the closure I need from Bran either. Care for my abandonment issues? Nope, not that either. Commitment ring? Nope, that's not going to happen either.
The direction I needed Bran and me to go... that's not going to happen.
That doesn't mean I have to let Bran himself go.
It means I have to let my expectations go.
I can evolve too.
I can be a proper Poly-Wife and find my comforts elsewhere.
Bran is going to come home a very different person.
Bran is going to come home to a very different person.
Where we go from there is anyone's game.
I'm still going to let it play out the way it's meant to play out, though.
- Spoons - I actually got a full rack of dishes done yesterday.
Like, OMG! Dishes!!
Point of note: My dish rack is a two-tier rack. So that's actually a lot of dishes. I only didn't get as far as the pots and pans. I should be able to get to them on Thursday barring any catastrophic meltdowns.
- Fur-babies - LOL, Dreamy came over last night. He had the most epic nap. He stretched so hard that his back leg went over my knee, but I was wearing my slicker yoga pants, so it kept sliding off. And he'd just stretch again and put it right back up there.
Yeah, you bet your ass that got Instagrammed.
Family:
- Spawn - She called me last night in tears.
Fuck, I feel so sorry for her and what she has to deal with when it comes to her father. But, this is still the life that she chooses, so I have to respect that.
She just didn't know what to do about a particular problem, and she called me to ask for help.
Now, THAT part I'm actually thankful for. I love the fact that she has a phone, knows how to use it, AND can call me for help when she needs it.
It all came down to something she totally blipped on. She thought she still had one more weekend with me before her assignment was due, but it's actually due TONIGHT!!.
However, she didn't think she could bring it to her dad because he would have lost his shit and gotten really angry with her.
Like I said, she was in tears.
We figured it out, though. We know who's on her side at school and we figured out who she could tell about what really happened. She was doing the work with me, but she forgot to have me sign off on the sheet for it. Hopefully, her teacher will understand why she just couldn't go to her dad.
She wasn't practicing at her dad's because she can't do homework with him. He's a fucking narcissist who always has to 'help', but his methods of help are actually way the fuck more harm than good.
In short, he's a dick. She couldn't do this with him.
I hope her teachers understand.
- Metal-AF - Things are miserable, but getting better. No, you're not getting details.
Sweeties:
- Rabbit - Like I said, we made it to the 'I love you's' last night.
We have plans on Wednesday to hang out at his place so that he can take care of his daughter and spend quality time with me too.
We're going to try to work out an overnight at some point too.
I like where this is going.
Rabbit is my Co-Healer.
That's where he fits in.
On the scale of partners and the pedestal he will find himself on, once I can sort out my emotions enough to make sure everyone else is getting enough love, that's where he'll be.
Co-Healer is what Set used to be.
Co-Healer is what Set destroyed in me.
Set set off a bomb that literally annihilated half of my being to the point where I thought I'd never recover.
I had Bran to make up for the clinical and the logistical side of me, but Set had been the one responsible for the spiritual and emotional side of me.
That's a side of me I thought I'd never get back.
I've been held together by nothing but duct tape and safety pins inside since Set.
I never thought I'd ever meet someone who could help change that.
We're off to a good start, though.
It goes both ways too.
Rabbit has some stuff he definitely needs me to work on.
But, we are off to a REALLY good start.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Oh, my beautiful Alpha. My Fated Mate. I have no words for how much I love this woman.
As I said, she's cool with how things escalated with Rabbit. Or, at least she says she is. I do know she can get jealous but she keeps it under pretty tight control, and I do know that she's struggling with not feeling important enough to other loves right now.
I try so hard to make sure she knows she's loved and that nothing could knock her off the pedestal I've placed her on, but I never know if she's feeling that as strongly as I need her to.
I told her as much, and she typo'd back at me. She said we'd be 'on' and called me 'darlin'... I have to assume she meant 'one'.
I fucking love that thought, though.
The idea of holding her so fucking close that she becomes one with me. Fuck... does she know? Does she feel it too? Has she figured out the whole Fated Mate thing and just doesn't know that there is a term for what we are?
Or am I just this tangential thing that she can barely even feel because we haven't bonded in the flesh yet?
===
Oh... fucking hell...
I'm sorry, there's been a huge break in the composition of this entry.
She's not okay.
I'm sure as fuck not okay with the reasons she's not okay.
The Blue Falcon contacted me just a few hours ago and asked if I wanted to hang tonight.
I'm doing my fucking damndest to convince her to let us go get her.
I won't give up. Not till she tells me to
If I have my way, she's fucking mine TONIGHT!
People need to fucking learn godz dammit!!
This goes for Bran too!
Either stand up and treat her the way she deserves to be treated or SIT THE FUCK DOWN and watch someone else do it for you!
I want my girl with me.
I want my girl loved.
I want my girl feeling loved like she deserves to be loved.
Fuck all the rest of this gods damned bullshit!
End Notes:
I really don't think I need to say anything in closing at this point.
Oh, wait... update.
Valkyrie had to leave the office due to some sort of massive allergic reaction to something. We never had our session today.
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