It is with the utmost and absolute most intense senses of joy that I can make this report; yesterday's 'day four' was just that. An ordinary 'day four', and not also a 'day one'.
No new cataclysmic events took place. No new breakings occurred. Nothing else was taken away from me.
However, we all know the truth here, there was nothing left to take. Unless the fates wanted to take away one of my new connections that I haven't really had sufficient time to develop that much of an attachment to yet.
Unless you count Iron. He's become pretty crucial to me pretty fast given how much of my damage he tapped into and how assertive he was when it came to wanting to do something about it.
Pending other partner approval and how much of him he can dedicate to this/me, I must admit that I'm exceptionally hopeful that he'll take point as 'Favorite Sweetie.'
I really need someone like him in a high-level position like that. And, yes, I'm pushing for that to be him, but that might not be what the cosmic forces are intending for me right now. The next Wednesday after my Spawn weekend, I'm thinking I should put out another open Cuddle Call, depending on how full up my cuddle calendar is with the four cuddle beasts I've acquired so far.
You know I can never have too much, and it would be good to not put so much pressure on just them. I'd like to spread it out a little bit more so that they don't have to worry about me being alone when they can't fill an evening for me.
Now, eventually the more time I spend with Iron, the more things are going to 'right themselves' within me and I'll be more comfortable with things like 'solitude' and 'going to bed on time.'
This will lend to things like better sleep, and more time to be creative with things like writing, where I can begin to finally put words down and tell Apophis' Story.
The more I work with Iron especially, the more things that once caused me pain will begin to become joyful for me. With his skills as a healer and his abilities to clean up other people's messes, we'll be able to find mor and more triggers and disarm them.
From there, it's my job to take it that one step further and make something beautiful from my former pain. It's my job to transmute the poisons and make something passionate with them. It's my job to use each resolution as a catalyst to elevate myself even higher.
This is some hardcore Goddess the Fuck Up that we're going to be doing.
I'm not even sure how I'll relate to the people who left me behind once I've processed that much evolution. (sigh) I'm beginning to get the impression that they're going to come back to find that I’ve left them even further behind.
Still, no bridges burned.
I'll give them the chance to catch up with me.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Spoons - I actually had enough time and energy yesterday to get a majority of the housework done. Got some pots and pans that still need a wash, and I haven't been able to touch the living room yet, but...
The living room is just because that was Bran's territory, and right now it's in that decimated state where you can tell that it was 'lived in' by someone and that person is now gone.
I'm not ready to face that, yet.
I don't have enough coping skills rebuilt within me to take care of that, yet.
I know I'll get there, though.
Sweeties:
[Empty Slot] - Once I work through some of my abandonment issues, the notion of sex won't be so triggering for me.
Right now, the idea of sex is flashing me back to the Year of Hookups, where I was mercilessly used and discarded more times than I could ever count. This time around, I just need real sweeties for fuck's sake. I need people who want that relationship with me. I need boys who will come back again and then come back for more.
So, I'm explaining that to my boys now. And, I'm also dating exclusively in the Poly Pool now too. I disabled my OKCupid account. So, I think that within the local poly community I'm going to have better luck finding people who want that sense of relationship and closeness.
I also think I'm going to find people who are pretty comfortable with the 'not too serious' level of a Sweetie'ship.
So... I think these 'empty slots' are going to begin to fill up once I work on building that 'trust' with them. :)
Cuddles
- TCN: Cohen - We had a very fascinating cuddle and chat.
I definitely get the 'just platonic' vibe from him, and we both seem to be totally cool with that. The closeness is good, but I have a feeling that while cuddles are 'open' our conversations may evolve to a point where we prefer eye contact instead.
This is actually a VERY good thing!!
I do need more 'just purely friends' to anchor me down more as I'm evolving. I've tried this already with some, but it didn't stick. So, this time I would really like it to.
He's a very interesting individual with a complex past and a long path out in front of him. He's only just now opening up on the spiritual level and he feels like he's so far behind in all the things he has yet to learn.
This is definitely where someone like me comes in. I have that skill of tapping into skills. I have that ability to tap into abilities. Whatever it is that he was born to do, I know I can pull it out of him.
I can bring him up to speed a lot faster than he might realize. This is absolutely a ‘power-leveling a noob from level 10 to level 80 bad ass’ kind of situation. He's going to be so surprised at how fast he evolves with someone like me at his side encouraging him.
He's got information I need too.
He's very connected within a community that's always fascinated me. I genuinely wouldn't mind the opportunity to explore it more as I watch his abilities grow and mature while he uses them within that community.
It's all very bad ass. :)
Srsly, so much bad ass.
I knew he was nervous about my 'no sex' clause and that he was a bit timid about anything being pushed too far or crossing any lines of consent. So, I offered to take the lead in the touching and to also tell him what touches were okay so that he knew exactly how far he could explore with me.
He appreciated my offer very much and thought it was a great idea.
In truth... there's not a whole lot that was off limits short of grabbing my nethers. Even my ass was totally fair game. I told him that my main hangup wasn't sex itself, it was just my abandonment issues. I told him that I just needed to be sure that he was going to come back. I needed to know that I could trust him to really want to be my Sweetie and to want to be a part of my life before I could open myself to him on that level.
After hearing some of his story, I really think he understands why trust is such a huge thing for me right now. Truth is, we both have some pretty severe trust issues. So, it's going to take a lot of openness out of both of us to get us through those barriers.
...
...
... omg... the touch, though...
Once I had him in the Chamber of Snuggles and I had us into a position that encouraged exploration, I coached him through 'this is okay' and 'if you want, this thing is totally fine with me.'
He's not wrong when he says he's a fast learner. He discovered some wonderful ways to make me squirm and writhe back against him (we were spooning).
He had me purring, moaning, so relaxed and Sooooo turned on... (like, seriously, panties soaked level turned on.)
And yet, at the same time, all of it was perfectly chaste... not a single sexual line was crossed.
He was pretty fucking good.
He was also very turned on himself.
We also did popcorn and two horror movies. I'd picked out The Ritual and The Void.
It was 4 am before we even thought about disengaging from all the touching and trying to get some sleep. However, after I'd taken my meds and around the time I was changing into a better sleep shirt, he bowed out.
He told me it was purely out of respect for my boundaries and because he needed me to know that I could trust him, but he had to go.
If he'd stayed... he wouldn't be able to hold back. He'd cross the sex barrier, and he knew it.
So, with as much 'gentle' as he could muster, he left.
... heh...
... um... wow...
... I don't think he knows about my 'consensual non-consent' fantasies and how much of a turn on that was too.
Just that 'I want you so bad that if I stay I won't be able to control myself.'
I mean, yeah, on the one hand, trigger.
But on the other hand... ye fucking godz, yes. Lose control. Take me. Force me. Make it hurt just a little bit. Claim me. Make me yours.
...
... dammit... now I'm all hot again.
End Notes:
I guess I'm just 'good' for right now. My 'day four' didn't suck. DIE! will be here at some point soon’ish/today for more snuggles and I know I'm going to love that.
What we have here, with my standard four-day turn around, is an extreme sense of Radical Acceptance.
I'm still broken to shit.
I'm still wounded beyond belief.
I'm still bleeding out on the table here.
However, I have an exceptionally high threshold for pain, and I honestly don't remember a time, yes - even into early childhood, when I wasn't broken.
From here, the recovery process is going to be extensive, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not doing it alone.
I have people.
For realz this time.
Not just person. Not just someone like Set, who was just one person and fallible, but people. Each with a different purpose.
We're kinda like the Voltron Lions... together we're going to make me a powerful thing, indeed.
Lulz
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