All I Need:

Ye Gods… where do I even start…

This is so hard to type out right now.

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Rain and I messaged yesterday morning. He was heading into work soon and told me it would be slow. I told him that I'm always here for him and that he's welcome to message me. He thanked me and said that would make the time go faster.

We talked about different things. Some of it being the losers I sometimes encounter on OKC. Like the Indian guys who never want to talk about anything other than sex. Or the Cougar lovers who want to know if I'd be into some sort of Mommy/son role play. I even told Rain about how that sometimes leads to some very inappropriate questions about the Unicorn. Rain was surprised that I end up chatting with people like that. He sympathized with me.

Okay… then I told him about the guy who was 6'9" and had a dick about the size of my thumb. I told Rain that I wasn't sad at all when that one turned out to be a one night stand.

That's when Rain asked me, point blank, how I feel about him.

FUCK!

Why did he have to do that?!

I answered him honestly, because he deserved the truth if he was going to ask that openly.

I didn't actually say 'I love you'. But I bled around every possible edge of it.

I told him that I scare myself with how emotionally attached I am to him already. I mentioned my abandonment issues. I told him that when I trust someone as much as I trust him, I become very outwardly loving, but I don't need that love returned. I told him how I always feel too much too soon.

Rain just took it all, and quelled my jangled nerves about my being that open with him. He promised me, again, that he's not going anywhere and that I haven't scared him off.

I shared 'All I Need' with him.

I really want you to put that in perspective.

All I Need is one of those songs I listen to ALL the time. It's been the one that articulates my too much too fast emotions for over a year now. It's been the way I've felt about EVERYONE I've loved before the time that I should love them.

For over a year, I've been hoping to meet someone worthy of dedicating that song to.

And I shared it with him.

His response?

He told me that it was exactly right.

*sigh again*

What am I going to do with this?

How can I survive loving someone who hit's absolutely every single 'too good to be true' button with a fucking sledge hammer? More to the point. How can I survive loving someone who KNOWS he's hitting my buttons and worrying me with all my clinginess. Even more to the point, every time I say "I'm Crazy", or get close to "I’m TOO emotionally attached to you", he just says "I've dated worse."

I really wish I knew what he sees in me. What he's really getting out of this.

I wish I knew if he was starting to love me back.

Gods, this shit is scary.

I digress…

He was hoping to clear his schedule to see me this coming Monday, but he just messaged me and said that he might not be able to come.

Yeah… we talk while I'm writing these entries.

How's that for scary?

I digress again…

Here's the update:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Nothing new to report.

 - Writing - Off to a really good start on Chapter 4. Not sure if I'll get to it again before Monday, though.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - The band on my Fitbit is starting to snap, so I'm not sure how accurate these readings are going to be in the future: I got to bed an hour late last night because I was chit-chatting with Rain while I was trying to watch Rosemary's Baby. I hadn't seen the movie in so long that I wanted to give it my full attention, so I paused it any time I was exchanging messages with Rain.

That being said:

7 Hours, 18 Mintes - 1 time awake, 12 times restless.

So, even with things shortened by an hour, the readings are still really high in terms of how badly my sleep continues to be interrupted.

 - Fur-babies - No visits yesterday.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Don't even go there.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We talk…

It's good talks.

He sends me pictures when he can.

I miss him.

 - The Unicorn - This is my weekend with her. Normally she would have gotten to me last night. But she had a doctors appointment this morning. JerkDad will bring her by soon.

Hopefully there will be some Buffy/Angel happening and I simply CAN NOT WAIT to tell her about RAMEN tomorrow!  *squee!*

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Ramen tomorrow!! Expect that update on Monday.

 - Rain - Most of this one you already know.

But, he just told me that he can't stop thinking of me either.

Oh… hell… how do I even process that?!

I just want him to say he loves me back.

Then I'd be okay with this. It would be less scary.

I trust that he's not going anywhere.

But, it's really hard not knowing how he truly feels about me.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - No one worth mentioning.

 - The Hopefuls - Photographer Guy wants to see me in April sometime.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - I've heard nothing from Jasper lately.

End Notes:

Okay… so I think I just read WAY too much into how often Rain tells me he thinks about me. And I blabbed.

*facepalm*

This is killing me.

I love him so much.