... because I'm not the only one ...

My not so quiet Saturday…

And also, I feel kinda dumb about something.

We'll start with the Saturday events.

I had a date planned. I’m going to fully admit that I wasn't super excited about it.

Sometimes my Cougar-Mode is super supportive of all young cubs finding that one experience with an older woman that they have been craving for a long time. I know it's just sex. They know it's just sex. I know I'm never going to hear from them again.

Other times. My walls are up and the 'just sex' thing is a total drag. I fucking hate it. I want something more.

I think my connections to both the Blue Falcon and Rain have pushed me more into 'Other' mode. Especially since I'm likely to lose the Blue Falcon as a lover soon. Now I want those deeper relationships. I want the friendships where the sex is secondary, but it's still there.

Okay, so, this date.

The most I know about him is that he likes HP Lovecraft. And that's about as far as we take it. ALSO, he's only able to see me when he's back in the cities on breaks from whatever. So, really, NO chance of something deeper developing. And, yet, I kind of promised him during a Cougar-Mode that we'd get together some time and I didn't want to go back on my word.

But, then the appointed time came, not a word from him. 'PHEW!' I said. 'Dodged that bullet!' I said.

Quiet night in! Yeah!

And then the other guy messaged me.

I'll throw him in the Sweetie Report down below, but don't get excited. We didn't have sex.

Ahh, so then we also need to cover what I was doing on my quiet night in, and why I feel so damn dumb now.

For a fair amount of months I was dealing with the 2016 Trauma. I was journaling, but I hadn't quite cracked the writers block. I tip my hat to Gingersnap again for being the one who got me out of that block. But, anyway, once the block was done, I stopped gaming.

My morning routine was to do all my gaming check-in's and after awhile it was just too time consuming.

*shakes head* Seriously, I really do feel dumb.

My productive hours are usually between 11 am and 4-7 pm. After 7 especially… I was just camping out on my couch and watching trash TV.

All that time, I could have ben gaming.

Okay, so we're fixing that now.  :)

--

And here we go:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - As I've just noted, I'm going to be re-adding in some Game Therapy. And also there's been a bit of Yarn Therapy too. All in all I feel that I'm coping pretty well for the moment. We all know that could change in a heartbeat, though, don't we?

Yeah… I'm a sensitive girl.

 - Writing - Starting Chapter 6 today!!

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hr - 45 min - 1x awake - 12x restless. I went to bed about a half hour early last night.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Kept it to 3 today

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - *shrug* I still don't know what to tell you. I'm just tired of my heart feeling broken on this one. 2016 was so rough on our relationship and then we only had about six weeks of repair before he had to leave.

I’m giving him the same chance I'd give anyone.

I owe him that, at least.

We'll see how well we do when he gets back and we can finally start over again.

It just feels like I'm done.

I miss Rain more than I miss him.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, scroll down to the end of the entries. There's a list of names/bio's in the footer there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

NOTE: I do NOT like the way the Sweetie Bio's are laying out at the bottom of the entries, so I'm going to be adding another link at the top soon.

 - Recent Encounters - Reminder, this was 'no sex'.

    - 1) good company: We started chatting a bit within the last week or so. He put in his application to be a sweetie and it was approved. He tells me he's an aggressive lover and I appreciate that. He also comes and goes from the cities for work but he's around in the cities quite a bit.

We had planned on meeting yesterday, but then I killed plans with him to meet with the other guy who never showed up. Then late in the evening, this one messages me with "Hey, you wanna hook up".

Turns out he didn't mean sex! That's just the way I took it because that's what I've come to believe the words "Hook Up" mean.

I told him I wasn't interested in anything that didn't involve him getting to know who I am as a person and not a pussy. He said he wanted to get to know me.

I'll admit it. I was really hard on him.

I asked him to tell me one thing he likes about me that's not sexual. He did, and it was a good enough answer. And then I flat out told him that I was going to be hard on him and that I wasn't going to be an easy lay. And that if he didn't want to put in the work he might have better luck hunting elsewhere.

He said he was willing to put in the work.

Okay…

*sigh*

So, I asked him if he drank alcohol.

You know me. I can get away with having a 'bad day' drink if it's social. I wasn't really having a bad day exactly. But I was really just feeling like I needed a drink.

So, he brought over some rum and coke.

    - 2) good conversation: He actually turned out to be a really nice guy who can mix a pretty fine rum and coke. He had this green apple flavored rum. And it was nice. My tummy hated the acidity of it and I had to munch a bunch of TUMS to keep drinking.

He had to be up super early this morning to head out of town for work. So, he couldn't stay late. But, the plan was still drinks, snuggles, sex.

At least as far as I was concerned.

And, then it got cut short.

1. Bran called. So, I took a little time to talk to him.
2. Tummy rebellion.
3. He got a call earlier than he was expecting and he had to leave sooner than he was expecting.

Bummer.

But, we talked about his job and his aspirations. He's actually a really sweet guy and I'd totally bang him.

    - 3) good snuggles: The farthest we got here was at one point I put my feet in his lap.

Some days I'm silly.

    - 4) good sex: I'm looking forward to going towards the sex with him at some point. He tells me he's aggressive. So, here's hoping I can be held down a little. We all know how much I need that.

I'm over Jasper, yes.

But I DO need someone who can hold me down the way that he did.

I don't miss Jasper. I’m done with that part.

I do miss being held down and fucked hard.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I hope the best for the Blue Falcon. I do. I'm not sure what our hanging out will be like if there's no naked snuggles and no sex. It will be interesting to find out.

 - Rain - Not sure where things are with Rain. He's not able to return texts much, I guess. I know he's busy and he did warn me that he was about to venture into something that would be difficult for him.

I know he's there.

I know he's not going anywhere.

I think it's good that I've finally gotten comfortable enough that I'm not obsessing over him anymore. I'm okay loving him. I'm okay letting him set the pace. Bottom line, I'm comfortable.

I think the return of Gingersnap helped a lot here. Even though I've still not seen Gingersnap again either.

Rain and I are okay.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - Nothing new to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I'm actually glad that I'm feeling the Gaming Fever a bit again. I'm looking forward to getting my Reaper buffed up enough to not keep dying.