It might be the meds...

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I was hurting because I felt so alone. No one was in that bed with me an it just felt like someone should have been. I cried for Bran. I grieved the loss of my love for him.

I'm finding out that distance does not make my heart grow fonder.

Distance makes me walk away.

Distance makes me move on.

I warned him, months ago, that if he didn't come back by our anniversary we were done. I guess my heart must have listened when I said that.

To make things worse, I'm likely to lose the Blue Falcon as a lover before I needed him on April 3rd too.

My heart is just so broken right now.

I feel like I'll never stop crying.

I just want Bran back so I can try to love him again.

I just want Bran back so I can give him the chance to make me love him again.

I hate sleeping alone.

I really wish someone would have been here to hold me while I cried last night.

--

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Gamed a lot last night… got to bed on time'ish. I feel so alone right now.

 - Writing - More on chapter 6 today. I hope.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Last night was really rough. So much more than usual. 7 hours, 22 minutes, 5x awake, 20x restless.

Fuck.

 - Fur-babies - Maybe I'll get cuddles today. I'm sure that would help.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I want four. I'm not letting myself have four.

 - Weight Management - My weight loss doctor is trying me on a new med that is supposed to kill cravings. It seems I've developed a tolerance for the appetite suppressant. It should be noted that this new med can cause increases in depression. So, it's possible that the new med is the reason behind my recent grieving. Hopefully it's going to be worth it in the end.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Part of my issue with Bran is that he's so fucking clueless when it comes to comforting me. I could be crying my eyeballs out and begging him to just 'hold me' and he wouldn't do it. He operates entirely in logic mode. He doesn't understand emotions. He's the kind of guy who thinks 'fix it' when something is wrong. But, for some reason 'give her a hug, hold her, stroke her hair' don't register in his mind as fixing anything. So, he just shuts down because of his fear of failure.

Dammit.

Right now I just need to be held.

I did a lot of self-soothing when I was crying myself to sleep last night. I stroked my own hair. I rubbed that spot over my third eye. It helped a little bit, but all I kept thinking was 'I need to not be alone'.

Bran hates my bed. It's too squishy for him. It makes him feel like he's sleeping in quicksand. Or at least that was his excuse when he kept sleeping next to her instead of me. (fucker), But, lately he talks about sleeping next to me a lot. He DOES know that my not being alone at night helps me a lot.

I think he wants to help me.

Maybe it will be enough.

 - The Unicorn - So, she gets to meet Rain on Sunday. That should be fun.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - There was this guy who came to hang out with me for a couple of hours about a month or so ago. It didn't mature into anything sexy. He's been messaging me again, yesterday and today. My walls are WAY up, so right now all I feel is 'pressure' to be okay so I can give him a proper fucking. He may not intend it that way, but that's what happens when my walls are up. I told him the one sure fire way to get past my walls (alcohol) and he doesn't understand. It's frustrating.

I don't want to do this anymore.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I’m scared to even text him. I don't want to find out that I've lost him as a lover. I was counting on those naked snuggles to survive April 3rd.

 - Rain - I need to tell him about the 3rd. I need to let him know how much that day is going to hurt. I need to try to impress upon him how vital it would be to my survival to have his help on that day/night.

Fuck.

It probably wouldn't help.

He has work and other obligations.

I'm going to be alone on the 3rd. I just know it. Same as Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm going to have to get through them alone.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - Nothing new to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

My Google shit isn't syncing to my phone. It was running out of memory space. I deleted as many apps as I could and the android system is updating now.  Maybe it will make a difference. Maybe it won't.

I'm not even sure that I fucking care today.