Got hit with a
little fear of abandonment earlier, but I seem to have processed it away.
I wrote a letter to
Rain last night. I told him that he didn't need to worry about responding to
it. But, you know me. I'm ALWAYS so worried that someone is going to leave me
when I open myself up like that. So, Rain and I exchanged 'good morning's' earlier,
but beyond that neither of us have said anything. It just leaves me afraid that
he's done because it feels like a 'pull back' from him.
Can we say BPD
paranoid much?
Sheesh… I REALLY
need to start reining it in and not reading so fucking much into things with
Rain. It simply is what it is. He enjoys the social interaction with me. He's
not falling in love with me, nor is he running away screaming. Hell, if
anything he runs towards me and I fucking LOVE him for that.
Okay, so this
letter…
I was telling him
how much I love the way he keeps me so mindful when I'm with him.
Yesterday I let a
few details about Bran and _her_ slip, and I could tell Rain was confused. So,
I offered to fill in the details. He immediately shut it down with the 'let's
not dwell on the past'. Then I compared the past to a hydra telling him that for
ever question I answer, two more pop up.
His response?
"I'm BURNING
the hydra!"
OMG… LOL…
So, instead of
responding to the way that cutting off the head only makes things worse, he
just took a flame thrower to the whole damn thing. He's so amazing!!
It's important to
note that when he 'shushes' me, it NEVER reads as him wanting to just bury my
pain because it makes him uncomfortable. I never feel like I'm stuffing or
making things fester when he's with me. He just makes me more conscious and
aware that the past is the past and the present is the gift of the now. He
reminds me to APPRECIATE him and the unconditional love he brings to the table.
He makes me happy.
Rain is pure bliss…
I love that so much.
Okay, so the report:
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - There's
no appointment with Valkyrie this week, but I am seeing Bubbles to get her up
to date on what I need in terms of psyche med management.
I feel like I’m
doing really well on the therapy front. I'm keeping these journals, which are
critical to my mental health. Even though lovers like Rain and Jasper have been
on my mind, they've not been so overwhelming that I needed to write them out
just to get them out of my head. I seem to be able to focus pretty well, even
if it's only for a limited number of hours a day.
For right now, I
feel okay.
I even seem to be
pulling out of the death spiral. Special thanks to Rain for making that happen.
I even offered to give up my productivity today in favor of another potential,
which he would have loved, but he's already spoken for today. It's okay. I really
need to be focused on the work today anyway.
- Writing - I
have been pretty knocked flat by the Blood Moon and then CHATTING way too much.
The writing has suffered! I'm really going to try to fix that today.
- Sleep - All
good… still waking up several times a night and running out of water, but I was
able to get back to sleep without needing the refill last night/this morning.
So… I really can't tell if that's good or bad. I just know I'm looking forward
to some overnights with sweeties or Bran's return… sleeping next to someone
needs to be a thing. I'll get a lot more done if I'm sleeping better.
- Fur-babies - Dreamy
is in my bedroom as I write this. He WAS doing the kitty-baby with me for a
little bit (curled up in my arms like a baby - purring at me) But, then he got
frustrated for some reason and left me. It's okay. At least I got my cat
therapy snuggles in.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine -
Just the 3 today. And an additional 'wake up' shower… So, I'm doing okay.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - I
got to keep him company when he was driving again. This time returning to the
cities to retrieve _her_ and the second abomination. He DID have a plan to make
it out the gate a LOT sooner, and this time it would have resulted in a visit
to me with sexual release in mind. But, he got held up. I know he's regretting
not just taking 15 minutes to get that attention, but fuck it. It's not my
problem. This is his karma and he's going to have to deal with it.
He got everything
that he asked for.
And now it's nothing
that he wants.
Every day he spends
in that hell, without me, is one more day that he realizes what he came so
close to losing.
I don't know about
you, but I feel pretty satisfied with how well that karma-fuck-bomb worked out.
I'm peaceful and
adored in my own space with the ability to meet any sweetie, any time, for any
reason.
He's dad to two
abominations that aren't his responsibility. And he has to spend EVERY fucking
day with her and hating a vast majority of it.
Karma, bitch.
Be fucking careful
what you fucking ask for.
Last night when we
were on the phone he had the nerve to say that he's always worried about me. He
actually said that even when he was choosing her, every day, that he was still
worried about me.
I called him on his
bullshit.
I get it, that he
worries about me sometimes now. But, I'm fucking FINE without him. I don't have
a single doubt in my mind that I would call another mate to me if he decided to
give up and stay with her. I'm strong enough to handle that and I know that now.
The knowledge won't
keep me from choosing him, even if his return is delayed. I don't think I’m
placing any time limits on him.
But… if someone
'mate quality' dropped in my lap?
To be honest… I'm
not sure what I would do.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- 1) good company: Supernatural. I can't squee about this enough.
I have my guy to watch Supernatural with. FINALLY. I couldn't be happier.
- 2) good conversation: To be honest, we didn't talk about much!!
The only conversational piece worth noting has already been noted. The whole
'burning the hydra' thing. Which is TOTALLY going to be my way of saying 'lets
be mindful' from here on out.
HAH! So, there you
go. Rain and I even have our own 'inside term'. How's THAT for relationship
building?
- 3) good snuggles: NAKED!!
ONE BETTER?
NAKED DUIRNG
SUPERNATURAL!!
It was perfect. I'm
so fucking happy.
- 4) good sex: Also noted in yesterday's entry. I do love the sex
with him, even if he's more the slow, sweet, gentle type. I wouldn't mind if he
was a little rougher with me. But, to be brutally honest, I HAVE possible
outlets for the rough sex. So, it's really not a requirement with Rain.
If he wants slow and
sweet, then hell and damnation, I'm going to give him slow and sweet.
Oh, and he's
literally the best kisser. Ever.
- Updates on
Favorites -
Starting Tomorrow,
Rain makes it to this section.
I have no updates on
the Blue Falcon and Jasper has been moved to heart breakers.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - Cookie and I have been in contact. There's strong potential for
a second date once he's done with his business trip.
- The Hopefuls
- Definitely some blips on the radar here, but no one I feel the need to
call any special attention right now.
Relationships / Heart
Breakers:
- Jasper - *shrug*
Whatever.
He helped me with
something I need for Torvus. But, I really haven't talked to him since.
He'll tap in when he
needs me. If he needs me.
I still won't ever
give up on him. But, I'm not sticking my neck out for him anymore.
I've got way better
people to spend my attention on.
This is another
AMAZING thing about Rain.
I don't hurt over
Jasper anymore.
Hah…
Take that death
spiral!
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