Yeah, so it's not
the death spiral.
This is something
different and it totally explains why I've been so obsessed with Rain lately.
Remember how many
times I've done this before? The way my mind just picked 'one' and clung to
that lighthouse in the storm? The Dragon and Gingersnap were both one of these
painkillers. Now it's Rain.
You have to
understand that I have an addictive brain chemistry. It will lock onto anything
that dulls the pain and it will stay there, feeding off of it for as long as it
can.
That's why I've been
so clingy with Rain. Which, he doesn't seem to mind. But I keep worrying that
I'm being a pest, so I keep pulling back. Part of that pulling back is that
I'll also try to lock onto other sweeties, because I'm expecting them to give me
the same kind of painkiller fix that Rain would. But, it never works out like
that. The whole time I'm with someone else I'll just end up thinking 'you're
not Rain' in my mind.
The one exception
there would be the Blue Falcon.
Favorites are
favorites for a reason.
So, I'm addicted to
Rain. I'm willing to admit that now.
It's in the way he
holds me. The way he kisses me. The way his cock feels in my mouth. The way he
says 'no, you are' when I tell him that he's the best.
Seriously, who
wouldn't be addicted.
I digress, the
update:
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I
don't really have new thoughts in terms of therapy, unless it's trying to find
something else to be addicted to so that I don't pester the crap out of Rain. I
got somewhere with my purple spiral leg warmers last night. I'm working the end
bit on one of them. So, maybe I'll disappear into some yarn therapy for awhile.
Maybe that will help?
- Writing - I
finished my chapter 3 revision yesterday. I'm excited to work on my Chapter 4
today. I'm worried about my word counts, though. I'm coming up really short now
that I've extended my total word count goal. I'm hoping that my beta readers
can give me ideas on where to flesh things out more.
- Sleep /
Fitbit - The Fitbit reports that I got 8 hours and 6 minutes. Awake 2
times and restless 15 times. Anyone else notice that I’m typically restless
about 15 times a night? That's interesting.
- Fur-babies - Two
cuddles from Splotches yesterday. Dreamy came in but went straight to my bed.
Not sure what's up
with Catmom. For some reason she felt she needed to apologize to me for her
drinking, and that spooks me out a bit. She was leaving with Splotches and the
cat seemed super happy. And she asked me what it is that I do that makes her
cats so damn happy. AFTER the door was close, I muttered a few things under my
breath, including the bit about how I'm not getting plastered nightly.
*wince*
It's almost like she
heard me.
I'm a suck ass
human, you know that?
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine -
Should be good with just the 3 today. I’m running low on almond milk… I'm
trying to hold off until the 15th before I try to do any shopping. That's the
warmest it's likely to get.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - Something
new last night… I can't remember the exact conversational strain. It was after
he misspoke and identified Abomination #1 as 'his son' and I called him on it.
I mentioned AGAIN how these abominations were used to hurt me for months and
how he supported that hurt, and he said something like "I shouldn't have
done that."
That's the first
time that he's actually said anything close to holding himself accountable for
his actions. He wasn't reasoning with me. He wasn't getting defensive with me.
He actually expressed a shred of remorse.
*sigh*
It's not much. But
it's a start.
- The Unicorn -
Ramen.
The Unicorn and I
get to have real ramen this coming Sunday.
I can't wait to tell
her about this!!
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Recent
Encounters - You might have to suffer through these 'Recent Encounters'
reports coming up a bit light for a bit. Like I said, it's not the death
spiral, but it's close. It's the Favorites Only Club. The Painkiller Loop. No
one else matters and no one else can get close to me. I just want the one(s)
who have a proven ability to kill the pain.
- Updates on
Favorites -
- Blue Falcon -
Again, very excited for this weekend.
- Rain - Again,
I'm trying to pull back and not annoy him so much. He told me yesterday that
he's not feeling well. Bit of a stuffed up nose and I immediately launched into
what would help him fight it off better.
I need to be more
conscious of when I’m going into 'mama' mode like that. It's his body, he
should be allowed to let it heal the way he wants to.
Anyway!
I still said
goodnight to him last night… today I'm going to work harder on backing off.
You have to
understand.
It's NOT his
responsibility to kill my pain.
He has his own life
and his own needs that are so very far removed from me and mine.
The most loving
thing I can do is back the fuck off and let him be the one to come to me.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - Not a 'One Timer' but Tango tapped in yesterday. I told him I
was feeling emotionally compromised and that I wasn't up to meeting with
anyone. He followed by asking me point blank 'so when are we meeting?' - Okay,
I'm willing to give Tango some forgiveness because English isn't his native
language. But, I don't like feeling pressured to meet when I'm emotionally
compromised.
- The Hopefuls
- And, again. There's another guy who's really Dominant and I'm
genuinely hopeful with this one. BUT! He lives pretty far away and will only be
in my area when the Unicorn will be with me. So, I had to be very firm with him
and let him know that we're not meeting this weekend. It's my time with my
daughter and that means I don't play. I haven't really heard a peep out of him
since.
Some guys…
Seriously.
Even the ones who
tell me they don't think with their dicks.
They always seem to.
Relationships / Former Sweeties:
I've changed 'Heart Breakers' to 'Former Sweeties'.
I'm over Jasper and someday the Blue Falcon will be in this section. So, it's
better if I don't link it to any sort of hurts or resentments.
- Jasper - Nothing
from Jasper lately.
*shrug*
Whatever.
He'll tap in when he
feels like it.
End Notes:
Better sleep means
that I have a lot more to look forward to today. There will be some revision
work done. There will be some yarn therapy later. Maybe I'll hear from Rain,
maybe I won't.
I’m probably going
to keep my communication with other sweeties and potential sweeties pretty
light.
I'm just not
interested in anyone who isn't an established pain killer.
And I guess that's
just where I am with it today.
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