I learned that from the pizza man...

So… I accidentally got a free Pizza last night.

I swear, I wasn't intending to!! And, even though I really needed that pizza, I still feel really bad/guilty about what happened.

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday.

My health insurance pays for medical cab rides to get me to and from appointments. But, every time it's not just straight out and back… like if I need to make an extra trip before my return home, it's ALWAYS terrible. For example, when I had that apocalyptic ear infection. Just getting the extra trip to the pharmacy to pick up the ear medicine was a four hour ordeal.

So, I really lost my patience with the person I was talking to yesterday. She started asking me all these questions like she was going through extra steps to verify my identity. Way more questions than I've ever been asked when calling to arrange rides with this service. And, then she wouldn't drop it when her system told her the wrong home address. A place that I haven't lived in like 3 years. She kept telling me to call the county and update my home address with them. The county HAS my updated address. They've had it for months. There is literally NO reason why her system would be telling her this, but she kept insisting that I call the county and update my address.

I lost my shit and pretty much cussed her out.

I got my ride home.

But, that really upset me.

And I FEEL REALLY BAD. She was just doing her job. But, I fucking hate it when I just want to go home and something decides to make that an issue.

Anyway…

I did make it home with enough time to spend my last few hours with the Unicorn. But, after she left, I still felt like hell.

I mentioned it to Bran. That I wished I had money for a pizza. Yes, I know, eating my feelings. But, I just needed a pick me up really badly and I didn't have a snuggle date last night. For some reason I just felt in need of some comfort.

Bran sent me money to order a pizza. We both have these accounts with a prepaid credit card and we can request, send, and receive money to/from each other.

So, I order my pizza.

About an hour later I get this panicked phone call from someone freshly employed at the pizza shop. He explained that he was new, my card was declined, and he didn't know how to help me.

I think this whole process took over half an hour as we tried to figure out the problem and get me this comfort pizza. He appreciated the fact that I never lost my temper with him and I just told him it was my karma for going off on the other girl. I didn't say anything about not deserving pizza because I'd been a bitch to the other poor girl, though.

Finally he says, 'hold on a second'.

Then I hear him speaking to someone else (he didn't cover up the mouth piece on the phone). I clearly heard the words, 'just take it right out my pocket.'

Then he comes back to me and says, 'Don't you worry about a thing ma'am, you'll get your pizza.'

And, before I could protest, he hung up on me!!

UGH!

I mean. Free dinner! Yay!

But, I just cost a new employee $20 he probably didn't have to spare and I feel really bad about that.

However…

I'm not going to lie.

That pizza was fucking good!

I still have over half of it left over, so breakfast and lunch are covered today. Not sure what's happening for dinner since I have a date with the Blue Falcon tonight. (and that's a whole 'nother guilt trip)

OKAY… on to the update!:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy - OMG, I FINALLY got to see Valkyrie!! It's been like a month and a half. Between my phone not being paid (that's fully resolved now too, cheaper plan on a different account), and then her being sick two weeks ago and out last week.

It was a good forty minutes of JUST updates.

I gave her the most recent revisions of Torvus. Told her my story structure woes. Explained my comfort levels with single chapter revisions now taking multiple days to complete.

I told her about my rather bold move to integrate this journal/blog into my professional online persona.

I told her about retiring my dialog journal as a form of therapy. SHE WAS SO PROUD OF ME!! But, it really was a natural step. With Jasper, the Blue Falcon, and Rain, I have no trouble finding my voice and speaking my heart.

SHUSH! Yes, I know I don't tell Rain my full emotions directly. But, he knows I don't hold back when I write these entries, and I know he reads my blog. So, it's almost like I tell him to his face.

Almost…

Anyway!

I told Valkyrie the awesomeness that is my Spawn thinking like Joss Whedon, as well as other things that make her utterly awesome. Valkyrie is proud of her too, but not the least bit surprised. She just feels that my awesome permeates and it's not a shocker that the Unicorn is becoming more and more awesome by the day.

Then I gave her the full sweetie report. She knows where I am emotionally on everyone.

Jasper - I let it go.

Gingersnap - she's shocked that he's back, but happy.

The Blue Falcon - He seriously looks twelve in his picture. It's hard to believe he's 27, LOL.

And, of course:

Rain - I showed her his picture too and she flipped biscuits because he's such a puppy.

Yes, when it comes to my little cubs, she calls them puppies.

I don't think she's thinking that Rain is too young for me as a playmate. But, she also echoes the Blue Falcon when it comes to the level of emotional attachment being there.

OKAY!

This is important.

I am starting to reign it in a little bit with Rain.

He needs me and I need him. We're both comforted by the fact that the other feels that need. But, I know everyone is right. His youth is a factor. It's not a judgment on his maturity level. He's beautifully mature. But, even Rain himself says that it's dangerous for me to feel so deeply in love with him.

Like…

Like the age thing means that I will lose him, eventually.

Okay… that was never in question. I already knew that. So, I need to pull back. If I go all abandonment issues on this one I'm only going to get hurt.

It will never be as bad as the way that Set hurt me.

Nothing could ever be that bad.

But… look at how hard I took it when Jasper pulled back?

Rain WILL have to pull back, eventually.

I need to guard against that.

It puts me in a tough place.

Needing him but being able to let him go at the same time?

*smirk*

Challenge accepted!

We closed our time together with her making sure I had received some samples of the new sleep medication my psychiatrist was trying to get to me.

 - Writing - Chapter 5 either today or tomorrow.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I *feel* more rested today.

I'm not sure if it's the new sleep med or not. I still ran out of water in the middle of the night, but I was too tired to get up and solve the problem.

Fitbit reports: 8 hours and 25 minutes. 1x awake but _22_ x RESTLESS!

22!

That's way higher than normal and I was only down for an extra 25 minutes.

So… I feel more rested… but I didn't rest.

Weird.

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy came over yesterday, but he refused to snuggle.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I only feel like I need 3 today, go me.

 - INR - Test today, report tomorrow.

 - Nervous System - Skipping today, report next Thursday.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - I suck. But, Gingersnap might inspire me here again. Who knows.

 - Inflammation - I suck, but there's nothing I can do about it until Bran gets back.

 - Weight Management - I GAINED ten pounds.

I really suck.

I know it's the diet. My not being paleo is affecting me adversely. Also, the real sugar in my coffee is probably a giant factor too.

My weight management doctor has added an additional medication to try to help me control my cravings. I should be picking that up today.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I know he bought that fucking x-box

I'm really upset that I don't have my commitment ring.

But, he's not 'grand romantic gesture' guy.

He's 'take care of random expenses' guy.

It still hurts.

 - The Unicorn - OMG my house is a mess!!

I really hope I get the chance to get this place cleaned up before I see the Blue Falcon today.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report, but there will be a Blue Falcon update tomorrow.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Valkyrie and I also talked about how hard it is for me to ask for help. I know for a fact it's PTSD from my relationship with JerkDad. I need to tell the Blue Falcon about this. I think I need his help to get me over what happened with JerkDad.

 - Rain - Valkyrie is SO HAPPY that I finally have my Supernatural Snuggle Buddy.

Come to think of it. This might be a huge factor in why I'm so in love with Rain. I've needed that critical component in my life for several years now. How could I not love the person who gave that to me?

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Gingersnap… I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

I don't think I will ever upgrade Gingersnap to a favorite. But, my feelings on that could change. I want to wait and see what happens.

Oh! Also: Cookie. Yes, he's still around. Still out of state, I think, but I'll likely see him again soon.

 - The Hopefuls - Holy crap this week filled up!!

I blame Rain.

He pulled me out of the most recent death spiral.

I know that's another factor in why I love him. I also know another death spiral is coming, eventually. It's no one's fault. It's just the ins and outs of my tortured psyche.

It is what it is.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I need to wrap this up. I'm blowing the fuck up on OKC and I need to finish breakfast and get in the shower before I have to leave for my lab appointment today.