Okay…
Let's get one thing
clear…
I'm a little weirded
out by Rain right now.
Not weirded out in
the 'he's getting creepy' kind of way. But, weirded out in the 'he's way too
fucking sweet to me for literally no good goddess damn reason' kind of way.
Like, seriously…
How the hell am I
worth this much effort to make me smile?
I'm not kidding. He
feels so much like Peter right now! Like I'd totally expect him to prepare
dinner, breakfast (because of sleep over) and two back up meals for each, and
then cosplay Castiel for me.
He'd totally do
that.
And, not even just
to seduce me! We've already had sex!!
Okay…
I just don't know
how to process this much good out of someone.
He should have run
by now.
He most definitely
should have said 'girl, take it down a notch' by now.
He knows how I feel
about him.
He knows I'm
emotionally attached already.
Know what he said?
Go ahead, take a
guess.
"I've dated
worse."
So, I’m going all
bat shit clingy on him and he's just living the dream. If anything, he's
encouraging this behavior out of me. Why!?!? He doesn't feel the same way about
me. I know this isn't mutual 'love'… so, why?
The worst part is
that it's too late for me to even pull back just to keep from getting hurt when
he pulls away from me.
Why do I always do
this to myself?
--
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I
got so fucking depressed yesterday.
Part of it was
physiological. Second day of the Blood Moon. You know how that knocks me down.
The other part was
all Jasper.
Gods dammit.
The update is in the
'Updates on Favorites'.
- Writing - I
was on the couch literally all day yesterday. Just knocked the fuck down.
- Sleep - Got
to bed over an hour late last night because I was chatting with a guy on OKC
while I was trying to take in an episode of Black Mirror. Woke up an hour
before the alarm and got up anyway because 'coffee'… FUCK!
Let's just hope I’m
awake enough to get back to work today anyway.
- Fur-babies - Only
one visit yesterday. Just Splotches, no Dreamy. He was driving Catmom crazy.
Probably doing the same thing to her that he tried with me when she dropped him
off. Looked up at the door and started yowling.
But, then he came
around to where I was laying on the couch and I offered to let him get under
the blanked with me. So he came right up, got under the blanket, laid down and
mellowed the fuck out.
I don't know what
Catmom must think of me. But, for some reason I mellow the hell out of these
cats.
It's like my energy
just tranqs the fuck out of them.
LOL, good vibes.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - 4
today.
Stop judging me.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - Seriously,
not a peep out of him yesterday. Literally, like NOTHING. And then woke up to a
Mo shot AND a video today. I could clearly see he was laying in bed and not
locked in the bathroom like he usually is when _she's_ there… So, I have to
assume she's still at the hospital…
So, what the fuck?
Why nothing
yesterday if she's still not infecting his space?
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on
Favorites -
- Jasper - Gods
fucking dammit.
Jasper.
Seriously. I have no
fucking clue what to do here.
I tapped in
yesterday morning just to tell him that I'd received a visit from Bran the
night before. He said he was super happy for me and then told me he was really
nervous because he'd been invited to a threesome.
Seriously… a
threesome… (and I've heard barely a thing about him coming back to see me)
So… what did I do?
Of course, I quelled
his jangled nerves, talked him into going through with it, and even taught him
the mindful body meditation to reduce his anxiety about it.
I got the update
later that it went 'okay', but could have been better. He was super nervous and
it triggered some performance issues. But 'Everyone still had a great time,
especially the girl'.
*sigh*
mother-fucking *sigh*
And then I tried to
tell him how depressed I was. I told him I needed whiskey and snuggles. He
pretty much said 'I'd help if I could' and then he CLEARLY pulled back.
Okay, I’m not
talking 'recoil'. But a very obvious disconnect.
So, I just said
'whatever - we'll both survive this' and he says yes.
I didn't even bother
to respond.
Fuck.
Now, in his defense,
his new living arrangement is PACKED with people, so his social anxiety is off
the chart. And I guess he's at a place with me where I trigger that and don't
soothe it.
Same way that sex
with me doesn't soothe the way he misses his girlfriend.
I don't soothe him.
I DID HAVE THE
CHANCE: to tell him that sex with him is literally a religious experience.
BUT: I held back
from telling him how hard I cried when I realized I was going to have to give
it up.
So… he pulled back.
Okay…
Fuck me…
Or don't fuck me…
What - fucking -
ever - dude…
I do admit that I
had ulterior motives for advising him to go for the threesome. I was hoping
that if he had sex, and didn't take the auger to the chest, that it would mean
sex was still on the table for us. But, I didn't ask him if he was okay and he
didn't imply if he was okay or not.
So, I guess it's
just done.
He's a friend, and
I'll always be there for him. But, after this I’m taking him out of the
'Favorites'.
That's a place of
honor to those who both enjoy my company AND want to fuck me.
So, tomorrow there
will be a new category for 'Heart Breakers'.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - I'm taking Rain out of this category because we chit-chat every
day and he's actually staked his claim on being a Favorite.
He was being his
super sweet self and I told him that if he keeps it up he'd wind up on the
favorites list, and he just said 'YAY! I'm a favorite!'
I didn't have the
heart to tell him he wasn't a Favorite yet, because that is really reserved for
those who DO come back… but… he. Keeps. Saying. He's. Coming. Back.
And he says sweet
stuff like telling me that I deserve to be treated right.
Okay…
But, he doesn't love
me back.
So, why?
Seriously. What is
in this for him?
If he doesn't love
me back, then why is it so important for him to make me smile and keep me
smiling?
I don’t get it.
- The Hopefuls
- Not a peep out of the super built Dom yesterday.
But, long
conversation with someone who seems really interested in me, but I must have
been cold because he told me he could tell the interest wasn't mutual.
I blamed it on the
depression / Blood Moon… and I fully intend to chat with him today.
Something is right
with this one despite how 'wrong' I feel in general right now. I know he's
worth giving a chance to. So, I hope I'm able to communicate that today.
Okay… journal done.
Time to get back to
my chapter 2…
Finally.
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