Retiring a Therapy:

The last, lingering shreds of panic have been resolved.

Rain chatted with me a bit this morning.

The chat was just 'normal'. We didn't touch on anything dark.

We didn't need to.

I just needed the comfort of knowing that he's still there, and that's what he gave me.

Each day the trust grows.

I'll always still panic, though. But, that's all my fault and not his.

It's NOT Rain's job to pander to my insecurities.

It's my job to trust him in spite of them.

But, that's neither here nor there on this entry.

There's this thing that used to be a part of my 'self-directed' therapy' - another private journal that I don't even blog about. These are conversations I want to have, or wish that I had. These are the conversations that might find their ways into a story if I wanted to put my avatar's through something similar to what I'm enduring at the time.

It's part journal.

It's part dialog.

It's part wishful thinking.

It's all the things that I want to say, but never say…

Most of the entries to date are all for the Dragon.

There were so many things I would only have said to him in-person. But, it's been over a year now and in-person isn't likely to ever really happen. At least not the way that I would have needed it to when he was my only tether.

Gingersnap was a tether for awhile too. But those dialogs actually DID make it into my current work in progress. A small chunk of Daniel is Gingersnap.

I digress.

Jasper almost went the route of the Dragon. But, I've been able to say things directly to him that I didn't need his physical presence to say. He knows that I regard sex with him as a literal religious experience. He knows that I will never give up on him. The only thing he doesn't know is how many days I cried on end when I realized I was going to have to give up the sex to maintain our friendship.

That I never want him to know.

The Blue Falcon, as well. There's nothing I need to say that I couldn't just simply say.

Then, of course, you follow down the list to Rain *laughs* and that little fucker knows my every damn thought in regards to him. There's no hiding. There's no holding back. Oh, in person and via text, YEAH, I hold the fuck back.

But here…

It's raw.

Unfiltered.

He doesn't judge me for that.

So, it's like I don't need that other journal anymore. Not really. No, not at all. Not really…

So, I’m taking it out of my 'Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself' task list.

I don't need it anymore.

At least not now.

Never know, really, do we?

There might be someone like the Dragon again at some point.

I really hope NOT, though.

I like this better.

I like saying it instead of recording what I wish I would have said.

Even if it is just here, and not in the real (scary) world.