Positive forward momentum, but still a long way to go:

Ooof! Tired today… but, I seem to be okay.

Super excited because I get to see Gingersnap later today. I'm making him Chicken and Dumplings. It will be the first time I've made it, so, I could fuck it up. But I watched mom do dumplings before, so I have an idea of what I'm doing.

I finished knitting my purple spiral leg warmers yesterday.

They're not perfect, but only I will notice the flaws.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Again, I seem to be out of the death spiral for now. I do credit Rain for this. I saw the Blue Falcon last night, I'm seeing Gingersnap tonight. I have dates on Friday and Saturday as well. So, that's good.

My preference will always be towards my favorite sweeties, though. The only reason I meet with new guys is that I'm hoping to extend the number of favorites.

People have lives outside of their relationships with me. They can't always give me the kind of dedicated companionship that I really need.

Other than death spirals, sweeties, and potential sweeties, I'm not really doing anything spectacular in terms of therapy right now. I'm just doing my normal. I haven't had nightmares. I haven't been super depressed. For right now I seem to be okay. But, we all know that can change in a heartbeat.

 - Writing - Chapter 5 revision has started.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 48 minutes. 4x awake, 13 x restless. This is more awake than is usual, but fewer restless moments… I'm not sure if the new sleep med is helping me at all. It's supposed to reduce the amount of times I wake up during the night, and it doesn't really seem to be doing that.

It may however be the kind of thing where I need to let it build up in my system. So, the samples that my psychiatrist gave me might not be enough. I am going to report that it worked and that should get it approved through insurance to get me some more.

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy did come over yesterday morning. Cuddles were had.  :)

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I really want 4 today. I'm feeling a bit on the tired side, and also a lot on the coffee greedy side.

 - INR - It was high yesterday. This means that my blood is too thin and that I'm at risk of greater bruising as well as the potential for internal bleeding. They had to stick me twice because when it's high they have to take tubes of blood instead of just doing the finger stick. I've already been in contact medication management and we've adjusted the dosage of my rat poison.

It's not dangerously high!

It's just high.

There have been times when my other medication interfered and it was so high that I was getting really severe nose bleeds.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He called yesterday just as I was getting back into the car with the Blue Falcon. Blue Falcon said I could stay on the phone with him and that he didn't mind, but I just couldn't do that. It did make me a little sad, though. Yesterday was Bran's day off, so the only time he could talk on the phone was when he was transporting abominations. He wouldn't be able to call me later because of _her_. So, I DID sacrifice my Bran time for Blue Falcon time. But, I won't be rude to a sweetie in favor of Bran. I love and miss Bran dearly, but my sweeties are what keeps me sane right now.

 - The Unicorn - I spent like $60. Probably WAY too much. But, she's going to have a good Ostara this year. She deserves it. Last year it got to her late and I was really upset. So, this year she gets that made up for.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - See below, RE: Blue Falcon. (this should have a report on Gingersnap some time tomorrow)

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon -

    - 1) good company: I feel so bad that the Unicorn got him sick! He wasn't too terribly unwell because he was smart enough to not work and to give his body time to heal.

The Blue Falcon was kind enough to give me rides to the bank, grocery store, and dollar store. I was able to get cash loaded onto my Serve card, frozen veg for todays Chicken and Dumplings, and some mushies which will end up in the soup too.

He didn't come in during either of the shopping trips. He was smart enough to stay in his car and wait for me. I went FAST, but I was still worried about him.

I did explain about how I have trouble asking for help, but he QUICKLY responded by telling me that driving me around was a good test of his energy levels to decide if he could go back to work today.

This is what we get with the Blue Falcon.

It literally does not matter what your hang up is.

He will find a way to make it okay.

Without fail.

Every time.

    - 2) good conversation: Just as he was leaving he talked to me about life goals in terms of self-sufficiency. Since I was denied for disability, again. He encouraged me to go into vocational rehab. His heart is totally in the right place. He would like to see me with a stable source of income and being able to take care of myself. But, I'm not ready yet. I do stress YET! Vocational rehab is the plan at some point. But I need to work on my emotional stability first. I'm still in recovery for what happened with Set. That's still being worked out of my system. And then you get the post trauma of what happened last year.

Yeah, I'm just not ready yet.

The death spirals make it really hard to be around people.

I'm okay as long as I'm in my safe place.

    - 3) good snuggles: I was REALLY worried that he wouldn't be able to stay long last night and that the shopping trips were going to cut too much into snuggles. No, he was good. He gave good snuggle. He flung his clothes off within seconds after hitting the threshold of my apartment, LOL.

It was good. I really love that about him.

    - 4) good sex: He was tired, and sick, so I didn't expect much. But, yeah. It happened a little bit. He cuddled with me and then moved on top of me. Sliding in.

I did notice, again, that he's a bit more aggressive with me.

*warm fuzzies*

He's honestly stepping outside of his comfort zone to give me more of what I need.

He's so wonderful.  :)

 - Rain - He's been quiet the last few days, but it's okay. I know he's busy. I know he cares and that he misses me too. I know he'll be with me again soon. I know he needs that as much as I do.

I’m still not all the way clear on what he's getting out of his sweetieship with me. I still don't fully understand what it is about me that spurs these emotions of 'miss you' and 'need you' within him. But, I’m okay with that level of uncertainty when it comes to Rain.

As always, I find him comforting.

I hope I always feel that way about him.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Again, there will be a Gingersnap returning tonight. He doesn't owe me any explanations. He went dark for his own reasons and he doesn't need to justify it. There's nothing to forgive because he did nothing wrong. I just want to cook him a fine meal and be there for him today. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I might have another favorite soon. But I'm not sure. I think I need to get to the fourth date with Gingersnap before I'll think about favoriting him.

 - The Hopefuls - As previously noted, there are dates this week. We'll see how they go.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I don't really have a lot to say in terms of end notes right now.

Really I think I just want to finish this entry so I can get back to my chapter 5 revisions.  :)

I might restart Misha's leg warmers today too.