So, I did it again.
Woke up with Rain
being the first thing on my mind and had to restrain myself from messaging him.
I wanted to give him some space and the opportunity to be the one to message me
first.
He did, within like,
10 minutes.
He explained, again,
that he's been really busy this week. And I told him it was okay and that I
just didn't want to be a pest. But, to be honest. I really DON'T feel like a
pest with him…
Mostly… anyway…
Ugh!
Fuck it, I just love
him. And deep down I'm still scared that love is going to scare him away. I
know it won't, and I trust him, but I still have that fear that I'm going to
over do it with the 'clingy'.
Ye Gods… I can NOT
wait to see him again!!
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I
saw Bubbles yesterday. I told her how 'off' I was feeling and expressed a
strong interest in adding another sleep med to the mix. She told me about a new
one (and yeah, there could be complications, of course). This new med doesn't
trigger the 'sleep now' chemical in the brain, it inhibits the 'wake now'
chemical in the brain.
This is ideal for my
needs!!
The anti-psychotic
she has me on already helps me GET to sleep. But, it does a shitty job of
KEEPING me asleep. I wake up frequently during the night and I don't feel the
least bit rested. This new med could change that.
She has to go
through a bit of red tape and hoops to get it to me, but I’m hoping to have it
by the end of the week.
- Writing - GOOD
NEWS!! I'm FINALLY comfortable with 'revision/editing' being a multi-day
process by chapter. AND, now that I'm not rushing through it, I'm able to spot
more places where tone and flow aren't hitting in the right places. So, in the
long run this is very good and I'm really looking forward to this story being
successful when it's finished.
Also, the more I
memorize the basics of story structure, the PLANNING phase will go much
smoother in further works. And so the writing and revision/editing will take
less time because I'll have done so much right the first time instead of having
to go back and painstakingly fix everything.
*fingers crossed*
That being said. I'm
really laser focused on Torvus right now. Even to the point of considering
skipping over more writing contests on Scribophile or even participating in
either of the Camp NaNoWirMo's this year.
I'm really thinking
about ONLY focusing on Torvus.
I think it's the
best thing for me. It's where my both my head and my heart are. Anything else
would be a disservice to both Torvus and the other stories.
- Sleep /
Fitbit - The fitbit reports that I got NINE hours last night!! - Awake 3
times, Restless 15 times. No wonder I feel better today.
- Fur-babies - Two
visit's from Dreamy and one from Splotches yesterday. Splotches didn't request
cuddles, but Dreamy came to be both times.
The second time was
weird.
Dreamy was 'off'
yesterday too.
He was in an
aggressively affectionate place. Intense licking, biting, scratching… my hand
is all tore up today. Then, when it was close to the time for him to go home,
he was up on top of my cupboards again! Catmom had to come back later, and then
he was ready to go home. It should be interesting to see where he's at today
and if he's in a better mood today too.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine -
Only 3 today. Rockin' it.
- INR - Testing
today, expect update tomorrow.
- Nervous
System - Adjustment today, expect update tomorrow.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - I
was really OFF with Bran yesterday. Absolutely all the resentment was right
there, on the surface. And he talked to me several times during the day…
I know what it was.
I'm still fucking
pissed at him for having the nerve to tell me that he was even remotely worried
about me in 2016. For fucks sake. He implied that even when he was putting
_her_ first, EVERY TIME, that he was still *concerned* about me.
BULL-MOTHER-FUCKING-SHIT!!
And I called him on
his bullshit too.
No one listens to
rivers of tears and emotional trauma and then says 'you have to stop picking
fights with me over stupid shit'.
No one hears PAIN
and responds with 'you have to leave, make plans to move out by next month'.
Seriously.
FUCK YOU BRAN.
Concerned about me,
my ass.
Fuck off.
I hate everything
you put me through.
I hate everything
you allowed her to put me through.
You stopped being
concerned for me for a year, and now I've spent close to six months ALONE,
without you. Without your love, without any part of you and I'm just mother
fucking FINE.
I can survive
without you.
Asshole.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Recent
Encounters - Nothing new to report, but I'm hopeful something will turn up this
week. I may have a return visit. :) He's
in the 'One Timers' below.
- Updates on
Favorites -
- Blue Falcon -
OMGOMGOMG! I get to see him today!!
Not gonna lie… one
moment of his lips against mine or his arms around me and literally every bad
day I've ever had in my entire life just evaporates.
Depression is like
dwelling too much on the past. Anxiety is like worrying too much about the
future. Having both is hell and he takes both of them away from me. He keeps me
mindful of the present when he gives me the gift of his affection.
*warm purr*
Can't wait to see
him again. I just love him so fucking much.
:)
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers -
- Massage Guy -
NOT his actual code name!! There was this wonderful guy that I met up
with a month and a half ago. He was really wonderful. He kept me face down for
our entire encounter and spent a good hour just massaging every tension out of
my body before he just effortlessly slipped inside me and fucked the hell out
of me.
You read that right.
He relaxed me
completely, and then followed that with an intense fucking.
He says he wants to
do it again. I'd honestly thought I'd never hear from him again, but he just
told me that he's been super busy. It's very comforting to know that I've been
on his mind lately. I'm looking forward to a repeat of our first visit.
And see! This is why
I NEVER write off any of the one timers! I've had a handful of them come back!!
Sometimes it's weeks, or even months, before they come back. But they do come
back.
:)
- The Hopefuls
-
- Photographer
Guy - ALSO not his code name!! We chit chatted on FetLife quite a while
ago. For some reason he's hitting me up again and looking forward to taking
some artful nudes of me. He sent me a pose chart and I'm going to be asking the
Blue Falcon to take those pictures of me tonight so that this guy can see what
he's working with.
Yeah yeah, I know,
sounds like a scam to get sexy pics out of me.
Sure… who cares! Why
not! It might give me more pics that I can put on FetLife, so I'm not
complaining.
Relationships / Heart
Breakers:
- Jasper - He's
still around. He'll be still around.
I feel bad for him…
I know he's really hurting right now. I wish there were more I could do that
would help him. I can tell how badly he needs the help.
--
So… that's where we
are.
Rain is on my mind
more than anyone, but I'm glad to get some health stuff and a visit with the
Blue Falcon in today.
Tomorrow should have
a more interesting update.
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