I won't say that I don't get days like this often. And I'm pretty sure lack of sleep is the primary contributing factor. But, today (so far) I have no desire to see anyone new. We all know this happens. It's usually the harbinger of another death spiral, even if I have no reason to be having one. Stupid BPD.
Yeah, so… sometimes
the death spiral will still let someone get close, but only certain people.
Like, I know I have to feel a connection towards them before that first
in-person meeting.
It's almost like my
subconscious or even my superconscious has some idea of how those connections
will pan out. Cookie is still out of state, but we text, so I know he's not
just another one night stand. Hell, I could even see Cookie joining the
Favorites Only Club eventually.
And Rain, heh… well
fuck me. He turned out pretty damn wonderful, now didn't he?
Something knows.
Something lets the
right ones get close.
Shut up. Don’t talk
about Alpha. He was a fluke. Also, I wasn't in the death spiral when I met him,
so fuck off.
ANYWAY!
If Cookie, Rain, the
Blue Falcon, or hell, even Jasper suddenly tapped in and said 'tonight?' - I'd
have them over.
But, I know my
emotional regulators are likely to be 'off' today. That means my potential for
tears and breakdowns is heightened. So, it totally makes sense why it's a
Favorites Only kind of day. Rain would quell a breakdown even before it
started. Cookie would understand, but I don't know how he'd react. The Blue
Falcon would just hold me because he's just that kind of a sweetheart.
Okay, so… I digress.
On to the update!!
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - So…
super weird thing. I got a call from Bubbles office today. The prior-auth for
the new med was rejected and she had the nurse call me to as if the samples
helped. What the French Toast? I was given no samples. So, I feel really weird
about that. I'll see if I can check in with Bubbles when I go to see Valkyrie
next week.
- Writing - Really
hoping to finish my Chapter 3 revisions today!!
- Sleep /
Fitbit - I seriously had the worst time trying to fall asleep last
night. I was tossing and turning way more than normal. I think it was because I
indulged in a few pieces of hard candy near bedtime, so I might have been on a
little bit of a sugar high.
Nevertheless: Fitbit reports that I achieved 7 hours
and 55 minutes of sleep. Awake 3 times, restless 16 times.
I really want this
new med.
Kinda pissed that my
insurance didn't want to authorize it.
- Fur-babies - One
visit from Dreamy yesterday, but no snuggles were requested. Maybe he smelled
the Blue Falcon on me. I'm not sure. He just went into my bedroom and laid on
my bed until Catmom came to get him.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine -
It's going to be 4 today. Fuck off, stop judging me.
- INR - High
end of normal. But still normal.
- Nervous
System - Seem to be in balance!! Despite only having been seen once since the
dead space where I had no phone. He even TRIED to throw me out of whack and
nothing. So we're scheduled out two weeks instead of one.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - Not a
peep out of Bran yesterday. Totally normal for a day off when he can't even
Snap because of _her_.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Recent
Encounters - See Below - RE: Blue Falcon
- Updates on
Favorites -
- 1) good company: Ye Gods, where do I even start.
Do you know that the
Blue Falcon is literally the only person who doesn't trigger my abandonment
issues?
Now, one might take
that the wrong way and assume that I'm just not that emotionally attached to
him. And that's not true. I miss him when I don't see him. I'm sad when he has
to leave. I enjoy my time with him.
Favorites are
favorites for a reason.
But… and this is
something that is truly unique unto him. He's just so balls out lawful good
that when he says he's in my life forever, I honestly believe him.
He did give me the
fair warning that he has met someone that he might like to date, and that's
more than fine. I appreciated the advanced notice. We've always known that our
sexual relationship is temporary. Neither of us has ever doubted or shied away
from that truth.
But.
I also know with
everything in me that he's not going anywhere. Sure, yes, our relationship may
change forms and we may shift in and out of platonic as his other relationships
ebb and flow. Eventually he'll find his mate. But he's in my life forever. Our
friendship will never die. I trust him implicitly in this.
Not only that, he's
staked his claim on being a part of the Unicorn's life as well.
When I first told
the Unicorn that he was coming over early on our date night, just to meet her,
she panicked. She thought she'd scare him away. The last two times a potential
sweetie came over early enough to meet her, they both bolted in about an hour.
One doesn't have a
code name, but he's come back a few times. The relationship with him became
purely sexual, though. So, I'm not interested in him any longer.
The other was
Foxtrot, and he decided he was done with me after the second date. I really
still miss Foxtrot at times. He had a great ass and he was fun to look at. I'm
still baffled over how someone that beautiful wanted anything to do with me in
the first place. So, I miss him, but I've moved on.
Anyway! I told the
Unicorn that the Blue Falcon was coming over and she was all, "Are you
sure that's a good idea?" - bless her heart, I think she blames herself
for scaring away the other two. But, no, I told her it was fine and that the
Blue Falcon had already proved himself to be a stable sweetie.
He's actually
talking about taking us out to lunch at Kazama Ramen, since he knows just how
much I've been dying to try that place out.
(*squee!*) - he's made it clear, more than once to me, and also to the
Unicorn. He's not going anywhere.
He's the first
sweetie that hasn't rejected her.
Hell even Bran
rejected her at first. But, he had his own reasons that I totally understand.
But, it still hurt anyway.
The Blue Falcon
loves her. Accepted her right away. Told her right to her face that he's in her
life for good.
He's the only guy
who's ever done that. *tears up*
- 2) good conversation: As usual, the conversation was all over
the map. If you asked me now what we talked about, I couldn't tell you a damn
thing.
I know we talked
about our relationship and how it might change forms at times, but he'll always
be there. We talked about male body parts having a mind of their own sometimes.
I told him some personal stuff in my life.
I cried when I told
him about my decision to become a kindness. I didn't mean to. It just happened.
We were talking about all the times I've been hurt or abandoned and how that
just made me even more compassionate. He asked the question of 'would I have been
_as_ compassionate if I hadn't been hurt so much' - and the answer is yes. I
don't blame the hurts for making me more compassionate. The hurts weren't a
cause.
But then I told him
about the day I had my epiphany. When I realized that no one was coming for me.
No one is going to save me. No one will ever help me, and I'm in this all
alone.
I cried and he put
his hand over mine.
I didn't mean to
cry.
It was an emotional
release that needed to happen, and it speaks to how much I really do trust him.
I usually keep my
tears to myself because so few people deserve the honor of seeing me that
vulnerable.
Anyway… so I cried…
and then I told him about my decision to be the kindness.
It's because I can't
tolerate the thought of anyone else feeling as lonely or as isolated as I do.
So I seek the pain in others. I draw it out. I heal it. I help them move on.
But… I know that no
one like that is coming for me.
That much is true.
That is an
unwavering fact.
No one will ever
care that much about me.
No one will ever
look me in the eyes and say 'no, you're not' when I lie and say that I'm okay.
It's never going to
happen and I have to suck it the fuck up and deal with that.
But, I'll be damned
if I will ever allow anyone else to suffer.
I'll be the hero for
everyone I meet if I have to. Because I know that no one will ever be the hero
that I need.
*sigh*
Sorry…
Got off on a little
bit of a tangent there.
- 3) good snuggles: Because he told me that he couldn't stay
long, I suggested that we proceed directly to the snuggles. Oh yeah… the
clothes came off immediately.
Ye gods I love
cuddling him. He's so forward!! Willing to make every first move and initiate
all the kisses and touch. I love that about him. There was lots of kissing.
Lots of holding… lots of talking, but we already covered that.
- 4) good sex: Ahh… now that I think about it. This was BEFORE
that little emotional release of mine.
Yeah.
Shit.
Okay…
*sigh* - So, as
always, the sex with the Blue Falcon was good. I enjoy him a great deal, even
if he's super gentle with me. We all know I can take it so much rougher. But,
that's okay!!
Anyway.
BEFORE we had sex, I
told him what it was about Jasper that had been so amazing.
The fact that Jasper
had actively PINNED me down and said, "You can resist me as much as you
want to." (omg *swoon*) - The Blue Falcon also shared that he'd read the
sex scene in Torvus where Daniel binds Jessa up. AND - I had confessed to the Blue
Falcon that I bleed on the edges of rape fantasy.
So, he knew he could
go a bit harder with me, and I think he tried to accommodate. He also noticed a
shift in my moaning at some point and he asked if I was okay because it sounded
to him like I might be on the verge of crying. I told him that would be amazing
if I were. And that crying during sex is optimal. That kind of emotional
release has only ever happened with me once and it was beautiful.
Okay… so… I really
need to figure out some sort of exercise so that my legs don't get so worn out
so fast. But, not unlike with Rain… the Blue Falcon could tell that I was
wearing out and he suggested we switch positions.
So, we went with me
face down… my body propped up on pillows… very close to doggie style and holy
fuck!
He was able to get
some depth and some leverage there. If my ass would have been a tiny bit less
bony he would have really torn into me. He could tell how much I loved it the
harder that he went, and I could tell after awhile that he was actually _trying_
to make me scream.
Fuck yes!
He gets it.
Make the girl scream
should always be the goal. And make me scream he did.
Then I wore him out,
LOL.
So we went back to
snuggles and the rest of that you pretty much know.
- Rain - Well…
he has his song now.
You read that right.
Rain has triggered
enough emotional response to him that he now has a song attributed to him.
This isn't really a
surprise. I mean the 'having a song' part. I was aware that a song might decide
to hit, so I was keeping my ears open.
It's the song itself
that is a surprise.
Not Gonna Die - by
Skillet
A lot of the lyrics
that came through definitely screamed Rain's name at me. So, I looked them up
and there was one particular lyrical bit that didn't seem to fit. So, I asked
him about it. I asked if he ever felt like giving up during the worst of the bullying,
and he said no. So, fine, whatever - I said. Not his song - I said.
I'm not leaving your
head - the song said.
Mmrph? - I said.
So, then I get ready
to go yesterday, queue up my Spotify so I can continue to listen for Rain's
song and what's THE FIRST SONG that plays? Yep, Not Gonna Die. You all know
what a firm believer in radiomancy I am.
Okay, so now I’m
baffled. I KNOW something's up with that song, but I don't want to ask Rain
about it until I can get home and responsibly type out the full question. I
told him what happened, how the song triggered but didn't fit with what I knew
about him. I told him how it wouldn't leave my head anyway and how it was the
first song that played. I did NOT tell him about the radiomancy bit. But I did
express that it all gave me the 'weirds'.
He asks for the
song, just as I expected him to.
Now, I was ALSO
expecting him to come back with 'nope, not me'.
And instead I got:
"Yep, totally explains me."
*blink*blink* What
the French Toast?
How the hell?
OH! Yeah, and then
he tells me to go check out the extended version with the creepy intro.
*sigh*
One of these days
I'd really like to know what it is about Rain that hits me so hard in all the
right places. I would really love it if my feelings for him didn't confuse the
fuck out of me.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not going to walk away from this or figure out some way to sabotage it or
anything. I DO trust him and I plan to keep trusting him. I just want to know
what it is about him that's so special. Why he gets this level of trust from me
when I keep my walls so thick with everyone else.
Someday, I'd really
like to know what's up with that.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - No one is re-blipping my radar right now.
- The Hopefuls
- There's a short list of hopefuls, but no one is making it to the Favorites
Only Club so far today.
Relationships / Heart
Breakers:
- Jasper -
Nothing from Jasper yesterday.
I'm okay with this.
I'm FINALLY starting
to heal from this one.
Three guesses why?
Yep… Rain.
It's all Rain.
As soon as Rain and
I started getting close, my longings for Jasper pretty much evaporated.
End Notes:
It felt stupid to
keep ending my entries talking about Jasper. So, I've added this End Notes
section to wrap things up.
There is one last
thing on Rain.
I was really happy
with the lead artwork image on yesterdays entry. It was a good image that
ported well into my social media cross posting. It was just this really rock
solid 'Burning the Hydra' kind of image. And I just blipped it in passing with
Rain yesterday. Just a brief mention of how that image worked really well for
the entry.
He immediately
agreed.
Not, he asked me to
link him to the entry.
Not, he took the
time to go check it out and then replied with his 'agree'.
Oh no. He
immediately agreed.
Like he's keeping up
with this blog and knows my every thought on him. (yes, even the scary as fuck thoughts).
Ugh…
Nevermind. I’m
probably just reading WAY too much into it. You all know I have a way of doing
that.
Top reason why he
scares the crap outta me. (HAH! PUN!! 'top reason' LOL)
No matter how much I
trust him, I'll keep looking over my shoulder. I'll keep waiting for him to
drop. This is the way Borderlines love. It's totally normal for my fucked up
mind to expect him to betray or hurt me in some way.
It's okay.
Really. I mean it.
It's okay.
I don't mean it in a
'look me in the eyes and say "no, it's not" kind of okay'. I do mean
it's really okay this time.
This is the way that
Borderlines love.
The fact that I’m so
scared of losing him only means that I've found something truly wonderful in
him. Something that deserves that pedestal. He's special to me.
He always will be.
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