Stuck missing Rain...

Last night was my first date with someone new since meeting Rain.

In my opinion it was a success. But, we'll see if it results in a second date. It probably won't, and I’m okay with that this time. I mean, I usually am okay with not having someone come back a second or even a third time. But, that 'okay' just means that we didn't have the kind of connection where I wanted that person to return.

Rain was different…

He was different even before that first date. Remember, I gave him his code name before we even met for that first time? Yeah, that almost never happens.

Sometimes I find the code name within the first date. But, I don't actually assign it until the second date. Until that second date happens, they're only recorded as 'other'.

Last night's code name was revealed to me during the course of our conversation. His wasn't hard to find. But, again… not until he comes back.

I am comforted by the fact that I was able to meet with him and that I didn't cancel or anything. That tells me that the most recent death spiral is finally done with me. I'm over Jasper.

Yeah, you read right.

I'm over Jasper.

This is the guy who made me feel like I'd taken an auger to the chest. This is the guy who had me crying for days. This is the guy I had to let go of, despite how good the sex was. This is the guy who pinned my wrists to the bed and said, "You can resist me all you want."

I’m over it.

My connection to Rain is much more profound. Rain actually misses me too. Rain actually wants to be close to me.

It hurt Jasper to be close to me. It only made him miss HLS more. I had to let it go.

Rain, to the best of my knowledge, isn't hung up on anyone.

Granted, he probably is. But he'd burn the fuck out of that hydra before he'd ever tell me what he's hung up on.

It's okay.

He doesn't need to tell me. I don't need him to tell me any more than he needs me to tell him the details of what happened between myself and Bran last year. He doesn't need to know about _her_. He'd burn the fuck out of that hydra before he'd ever ask me what really happened.

I'm okay with that.

Okay, so, the update then:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Again… I feel more awake and alert this morning… I don't think that other sleep med is really going to help me at all. I think Bubbles and I might need to try again. It would be so nice to have something that would put me to sleep and keep me there.

Also… I slept NEXT to someone last night. So, that's probably a huge thing on why I'm better rested too. I woke up a lot, sure. But my downs would have been deeper downs.

We'll see what the Fitbit has to say about that in a bit here.

 - Writing - I think I might actually finish my Chapter 5 today… that means I can start on expanding and revising my Chapter 6… that's pretty huge.  *big smile*  Though, I do have another date tonight too. So, time might become an issue.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Holy shit! That's way better than I'd expected given the fact that I had company and I woke up worried about him more than once. Not worried in the bad way. More worried that he was going to see that I sleep holding onto a stuffed elephant, LOL. Also, given the fact that he woke me up before the alarm this morning and I saw him out before attempting to return back to bed. Where I only really dosed. I don't think I slept.

Nevertheless, 8 hours and 15 minutes. 3x awake / 20x restless. - The restless was definitely higher due to company. But, I know I slept better because someone was with me.

Hopefully I will get more overnights.

It's so nice.

[Rain's song is playing right now. *smile* It started right when I typed that I was hoping for more overnights. Maybe I'll get lucky and I'll sleep next to Rain sometime. He'd never judge me for sleeping with a stuffed elephant, LOL]

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy DID come in for a little last night. Enough to smell my guests shoes and getting a few pets from him, but then he left again almost right way when Catmom was trying to see if Splotches wanted to come in too.

Bummer. I was really looking forward to Dreamy cuddles.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I'm going to keep it to 3 today. FUCK YOU ADDICTION!!

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - *shrug* I don't even really know anymore.

I tell him every day that I love and miss him. But, I’m not even really sure how true that is anymore. We just have so much starting over to do and it's hard to feel the same way about him that I used to feel. It's hard to feel like there's anything there that's worth fighting for anymore.

I know he's probably fucking her.

How could he not?

How could he justify not having sex with her if he's trying to hard to keep the peace and to keep her money in place.

*sigh* Whatever.

And you can't tell me that he didn’t buy that fucking Xbox either.

There should be a ring on my finger, and it's not there.

He doesn't care.

Every day I just feel more and more done with him. I feel like I can survive without him. I’m financially stable. I'm getting lots of work done. I have my sweeties.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not giving up on Bran.

I will still be here when he finally comes home. But, I'm going to need him to show me a lot of love before I'm willing to open up my heart to him again.

Forgiveness is one thing.

Forgetting is something else entirely.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, scroll down to the end of the entries. There's a list of names/bio's in the footer there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Listed only as 'Other' I DID have a date last night.

    - 1) good company: This was a difficult one for us. I’m going to admit that up front. We didn't really connect at all. Our taste in music is totally different. His 'career' path is in an area that may be lucrative, yes, but… it's also something that I find to be total bullshit. The kinds of experiences he's dedicating his life to giving to others is the kind of experience that I would never want to have for myself. I'm just not interested in his lifestyle or his career. So, he was really hard to relate to. This is the main reason why I don't really care if he comes back or not.

    - 2) good conversation: Gods, did I ever try on this one!! But, again, there was this disconnect. I understood where he was coming from on a lot of things. Like how advanced he is in getting his logic to overrule his emotions. His sense of mindfulness and emotional regulation is 100% on point. And, again, that's what made him so hard to relate to. Worse, it's going to be the one thing that's going to make me even harder for him to relate to. My emotions get away from me. Look at how I felt about Jasper, and how much letting him go hurt me. Look at how I feel about Rain, and how I know it's both bat shit crazy and balls out stupid for me to love someone 25 years younger than me. Rain is just getting started out in l life. There's no way he's going to stay with me forever. I hope he's with me for a good long while, but I KNOW I have to let him go someday too. So, my 'other' from last night. Yeah, he would never understand why my emotions with Rain are so out of control when my logic tells me not to do what I'm doing.

    - 3) good snuggles: *headdesk*facepalm*headdesk*facepalm* - We snuggled. YES. WE DID SNUGGLE!! And the whole fucking time we were snuggling I kept thinking "You're not Rain."

Oh yeah!

The whole damn time I was there, with the other, trying to take my mind off Rain… just kept thinking about Rain.

When Rain snuggles with me, he's fierce about it. He's passionate about it! He holds me like he never wants to let me go. 'Other' had his work cut out for him if he wanted to make me forget Rain. Anyone would have their work cut out for them if they wanted me to forget Rain.

Rain's just too good.

    - 4) good sex: Okay, I'm actually going to do my best to give you the full play-by-play here.

We hung out on my couch and talked for a bit. No connections.

Then his phone started to glitch on him. Which he was VERY upset about. His phone is the focal point of his livelihood. So much of his business is tied to the phone, so he was not in a happy place about that. He asked me if we could watch a movie to take his mind off it.

He's not into horror.

Fuck.

Okay, so, he prefers action.

I pulled up Netflix and let him decide on a movie. Screaming 'OH GOD NO!' in my head, over and over again when he picked Ocean's Twelve. UGH! Fuck me. BUT, he's the guest, so he gets to pick.

And yes, of course I was thinking 'you're not Rain' that whole time too. Because if it had been Rain, we would have been finishing up Season One of Supernatural.

I offered to make popcorn, he agreed. I asked 'sweet or savory' he picked sweet. So, I made him my white chocolate popcorn… thinking the whole time about when I made it for Rain.

We must have gotten about 20 minutes into the movie before 'Other' asked if I had a TV in my bedroom. I don't, but November (my chromebook) is always an option. So… there we had it. Snuggles while I was happy as hell that the popcorn was knocking me out so I didn't have to tolerate a fucking action movie.

LOL.

This is where it gets cute.

'Other' fell asleep. He was so worn out. Long week for him. He was tired.

DOH! THEN BRAN CALLED! It woke him up. GAH!

I tried to sneak back into bed anyway, but 'Other just reached out to cuddle me some'.

We caressed a lot. We kissed a little bit. His clothes started to come off.

I introduced him to what it feels like to have me making out with his cock.

You remember how that works, right?

Start at the base, with licks and kisses, working my way up to the head… then swirling my tongue around the head before doing my best to deep throat. Sucking… down and up… swirling my tongue around the head at every back swing.

Anyway. You know he loved it. I kept it up for as long as I could. Then we just cuddled some more while I stroked his cock. He whispered things to me that I don't remember… But eventually those kisses and cuddles transitioned to both of us getting naked…

The sex itself was okay.

He took direction well.

I taught him how to find a G-Spot, and that's ALWAYS fun!! I love it when they don't know about it yet! That means it's a piece of crucial information that I'm passing on. Proud Cougar is Proud!

Okay… then it came time for the actual sex… we got into position for missionary but the angles were off. That's okay, I have the easy fix. I got the pillow underneath me and WHAM, we were off.

He'd asked me what positions I like and I told him that I like to start with missionary and then transition to me face down. So, there we were, missionary. And he did NOT disappoint when it came to me telling him that he could go really hard with me. That's the one good thing. He wasn't scared to pound the stuffin' outta me. This is good. I love it when they can get aggressive.

At one point he got his arm hooked behind my left knee, and that's always helpful. With the pillow underneath me, I can take a couple of arms hooked behind my knees to open me up more and not wear out my hips so easily. For some reason the pillow makes it easier for me to be folded in half like that.

That's a bit odd. One would figure that would cut off my breathing even more, but no… it seems to work well.

Then he asked me to flip, which was great… the hard, deep pounding… I loved the way he had me screaming into the pillows.

And then he was done.

Not 'he came'.

But, he got a) overheated, and b) tired.

I want to be clear on something.

I love my men scrawny. It's true.

'Other' didn't have an ounce of body fat on him. So, he got cold and overheated easily. He literally has zero temperature regulation.

So, I asked if he needed a break, and we went back to the cuddles. It wasn't long before he was asleep again and I was okay with that.

There were LOTS of hugs as he was leaving this morning. So, I'm hopeful that he'd consider me worth a return trip. But, I’m not expecting it.

And, again, I'm okay if it's not.

Right now it's just really important for me to be working on developing more favorites.

 - Updates on Favorites - How's that for a segue? 

 - Blue Falcon - I'm acutely aware that I may be losing the Blue Falcon as a lover soon. And as much as I love him and value our friendship, it won't be the same once we're platonic.

I need lovers.

I will need to replace the Blue Falcon with someone, likely sooner rather than later.

 - Rain - He's busy.

As he should be.

He has a life way outside of his relationship with me, and it's my job to make sure that nothing between us interferes with that life at all.

I need more favorites to a) keep my mind off of him, and b) to fill my time.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - How's that for another segue?

Gingersnap might be returning to the Favorites list someday. That would be lovely.

 - The Hopefuls - I have another date tonight. I'm not the least bit hopeful on this one because he goes to college outside of the cities. But, I DID promise him that I'd get together with him. And, you never know, right? Look at where I still am with the Dragon. I can be patient.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I guess, in closing, I don't really have much to say other than 'I miss Rain'.

I hope I see him again soon.