Pretty Faces and Happy Places:

Did I tell you that the Unicorn is sick?

Yeah, she started coming down with it on Saturday and then after our date with the Blue Falcon on Sunday, it started getting worse. She even coughed so hard it caused her to vomit. Right on the living room carpet. It cleaned up really easy, though. But, it was still a 'rubber gloves' level event.

So… she sleeps next to me on her visits, and I've sneezed twice this morning. I've sneezed a few more times during the course of this entry. Which was delayed in its completion by a morning phone call from Bran.

I'm not too terribly worried. The iron supplement I take for my anemia has a serious dose of vitamin c in it too. Vitamin c helps with the absorption of iron into the system. So, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.

The really good news is that I don't have to subject myself to the elements this week.

I was going to use the 'slightly warmer weather' to take care of some necessities tomorrow. But, I'll let you read more about that in the Blue Falcon's update.

I also have some more thoughts on Gingersnap for this entry.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - You already know this. Yesterday I deleted a therapy. I just don't need it anymore.

I have an appointment with Valkyrie today. I'll let you know how it goes.

 - Writing - Slow and steady on Chapter 4. It'll be interesting to see how the resurfacing of Gingersnap affects the work. Back when I was still gaming for hours on end, every day, trying to cope with the 2016 damage… that's when I first met Gingersnap. I seem to remember that I was 'sputtering', trying to get that writer flame to reignite. When Gingersnap read the first sex scene between Daniel and Jessa, he loved it.

He was the reason I started writing again. I did it to give him something to read. He was my muse.

I remember being so worried that losing him would also cost me my will to write.

I'm happy to say that it didn't. I was still able to keep up the mojo. He has the Read Me file now and I'm looking forward to his feedback on where the story currently sits.

 Torvus was the reason that Gingersnap and I had such an amazing first date to begin with. Once he'd read about Daniel and Jessa, he knew he didn't have to hold back with me. The sex was pretty amazing. I love it when guys DON'T hold back. I'm not the least bit fragile. At least not sexually. My heart is a different subject. But my body is nigh unbreakable.

I'm looking forward to having more time to devote to the story soon. But, this week seems pretty 'sweetie heavy'.

We'll see.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours, 57 minutes. 0x Awake, 16x restless. I think that's pretty good, all things considered.

 - Fur-babies - I seem to remember a visit yesterday. Not sure why my mind is so fuzzy on this one.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - NO, I don't need that fourth cup.

Is that going to stop me from indulging?

Nope.

Stop judging me.

 - INR - Test tomorrow, expect an update on Thursday.

 - Nervous System - Since I was so good last week, we are skipping this week.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - Now, this should be interesting… Given that Gingersnap was the inspiration behind my getting into the yoga/movement in the first place. I was doing it to impress him (I admit it) so, losing him did eventually result in the loss of my yoga mojo.

Not sure yet if it will come back.

Not even really sure if I care, to be honest.

 - Inflammation - It FEELS like I'm running really low on Turmeric!!

I'm not sure when I'll be able to replenish my supply either.

I know Bran would probably pay for it. But, then there's also the ride situation. Not being able to just go shopping when I need to is very frustrating.

 - Weight Management - I see this doctor today. Expect an update tomorrow. But, also, don't expect it to be a super happy update. Weeks of bad food and real sugar in my coffee? Yeah, I'm not real hopeful here.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He really hurt me yesterday.

We were conversing about his time in the great arctic tundra of the north and he was saying how much he hates it. I got a little sadistic on him and told him that I don't really want him miserable, but then again, I kinda do.

So, maybe this was my fault. Openly wishing him misery. Maybe he just felt that he shouldn't give into that. Now that I think about it.

But, I was fishing. Mentioning how much better he had it down here, with me.

He said there was both good and bad, and launched into his fucking career stuff… again.

I stopped him and said: "No, I mean 'us'".

He said there was good and bad there too, and then launched into how hard it was financially.

For fucks sake.

Learn how to read a room, Bran.

Your wife needed you to say 'I love you and I miss you and I wish I were back home with you'.

Dumb ass.

Also, I know he bought that fucking X-Box. He didn't win it in any fucking contest. He's not fooling anyone. The money that COULD have gone towards our commitment rings got spent on a fucking gaming console.

Asshole.

And with my finances being what they are. I'm not sure when I can come up with the money for the commitment rings either. So, I can't even bitch.

If he meant it, that ring would be on my finger already. *shrug* he doesn't mean it, so why should I even fucking bother?

Asshole.

 - The Unicorn - She is very unwell. Now in addition to the chest cold, she's dealing with a nasty sinus thing too. Poor kid. The worst part is that she won't even take any medicine to alleviate the symptoms. I've never understood what it is about her not wanting to take anything.

Maybe I forced too much medicine on her when she was a baby.

Bad mom.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

- Blue Falcon - I'm in a REALLY weird place with the Blue Falcon right now.

I think I mentioned this already.

The fact that he's giving me a ride to the bank and to do some shopping tomorrow.

Ye Gods, this is fucking with my head something fierce.

I don't like accepting 'help'. I hate asking for it even more.

I'll be down to my last box of expired mac-n-cheese before I'll even ask the Bestie for a ride to the grocery store. And even then, I'll still agonize over it for days before I finally ask for a ride.

Put this in context.

Bestie has been homeless on my futon for weeks at a time when she was trying to get herself reestablished after divorce and some other not so happy times.

I thought NOTHING of taking her in.

Yet, I can barely ask for a ride to the store because I’m just that messed up. Even though I KNOW she doesn't think of it as a burden and she's HAPPY because it means she gets to spend some time with me.

Fuck me.

I'm pretty sure I know where a lot of this is coming from. It's not just what JerkDad put me through. I'm pretty sure that a lot of it is Set too.

I relied on him.

He was my lover for 2.5 years, and I got used to him being there.

So, when he dumped me… I lost a lot of my sense of trust.

It's up there with how high my walls are after _her_ shit from 2016.

The people I trusted to be there for me, weren't.

The people I trusted to protect me, didn't.

And that's just where it is.

I don't want to get 'comfortable' with the Blue falcon.

We all know what happens when I get comfortable.

I go soft.

I get hurt again.

More walls go up.

Why not just skip the demolition crew and keep the existing walls in place?

- Rain - Ironically, I feel like I’m in a pretty fabulous place with Rain by comparison. LOL.

Yeah, he cautioned me.

Yeah, I was panicking and thinking that caution was 'goodbye'.

But… he's just… there.

Maybe not always right away when I message him. But we do text pretty often.

Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again:

IT IS NOT RAIN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO PANDER TO MY INSECURITIES.

It's MY responsibility to TRUST HIM in spite of them.

Some days just seem better than others. Some days I'm okay with the fact that Rain has told me that he needs me too.

*shrug*

I don't know.

I just feel okay about Rain today for some odd reason.

Even his 'caution' only seemed to make me trust him more. Like I said, I won't go into exact details on the verbiage of that caution, but I will say this -

The way it was phrased left me wondering if it was one of two things:

1. He's worried that he could inadvertently hurt me. Like I could wander blindly into something damaging.

Or

2. He's worried that I will see what's underneath his pretty mask, and that the truth could scare me away. Kind of a 'what is learned cannot be unlearned' sort of thing.

If I know Rain at all, it's likely a little of both of those fears, plus some other stuff that I can't quite see yet.

So, that puts us in an interesting place too. Because if he's just as worried about losing me as I am about losing him… well, that just makes me feel safer, somehow.

Have any of you noticed just how truly fucked in the head I am?

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers -

 - Gingersnap - As previously mentioned… Gingersnap is back and he's spending the night on Thursday…

I mean…

Wow.

Just, fucking wow.

 - The Hopefuls - There are a couple of dates with new potentials this week. But nothing super special yet.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

I was very clear with Jasper, though. In my last message to him I told him that I will never give up on him. So, he KNOWS that door is still open. It's up to him if he wants to step back through again.

I’m sure I'll hear from him eventually.

I'm just REALLY glad that I've stopped pining for him.

Remember how desperate I used to get over Gingersnap? How I'd wallow in the emptiness and how excited I'd get when he checked in again.

Oh yeah… I was absolutely there with Jasper.

But Rain ended it. He ended the pain with Jasper. Rain gave me something so much better to think about. And Rain is a lot more stable too.

At least for now, anyway.

He might get unstable later. It's too hard to tell right now. But, I'm absolutely expecting that. Between work, the prospect of school, and other responsibilities. I know Rain will never be able to spend the kind of time with me that both of us would really enjoy. But, I'm used to that!!

That's why I keep the sweetie recruitment drive going.

Eventually I'll have enough sweeties to fill up my lonely days.

I should text Cookie today too.

End Notes:

All in all, I seem to be in a really good place emotionally this morning. But, it's not like I got better sleep, or like anything happened to make me feel safer.

If anything, I'm pretty sure the resurfacing of Gingersnap has something to do with it.

Not in the 'he's going to be my happy place again' sense of him having something to do with it.

More in the way of how his return gives me the light of so much hope for my other relationships.

His return means that as long as I don't burn bridges or shut doors, sometimes they come back.

His return means that I should never really write anyone off.

I feel pretty happy about that.