So much to update
on…
Yesterday was a
quiet day in terms of the writing. But it was a hectic and progressive day in
other ways.
HEY! There's a Bran
update in this entry!! (a good one!)
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - The
most recent PTSD nightmare seems to have worked it's way out of my system.
Also, the most recent depression/anxiety death spiral seems to have let up a
bit.
What I've noticed is
that it's all in the delivery. If the person in question seems selfish, I'll
block them. But if I meet someone really giving, I'm all for it. I don't know
if that makes me the selfish one or not… and I’m not even really sure that I care.
I need to be taking
care of me right now.
If I’m lucky enough
to encounter guys who want to help me take care of me, then it's still a
win/win for them too.
- Writing - I
re-read my chapters one and two yesterday, but didn't have time to do any work.
Then, when I got home all I wanted was to curl up with a bottle of whiskey.
Right now, I’m
blaming my period for this.
Not sure how today
is going to work out. I was expecting to not feel like doing the work, but my
body/mind seem to be surprising me.
I think I just might
have been exhausted from my trip out yesterday too. It had been awhile since I
did that because of the issues with my phone.
- Sleep - I
got to bed late last night because of Bran. And I'm okay with that. Woke up
once during the night for a water refill. Woke up before the alarm today, but
didn't get up. I went back to sleep and then the alarm got me up. So, all well
and good. No nightmares.
- Fur-babies - One
visit already today. Catmom smells like she's been sipping on her grown up
juice, again. Splotches requested cuddles, but Dreamy just went and curled up
on my bed. I'll probably see Dreamy for better snuggles later today.
I was more
interested in the message exchange with Jasper anyway. (update below)
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - Four
today. Shut the fuck up. Don't judge me.
- INR - In
normal range yesterday. 2.0 - no change to the rat poison regimen.
- Nervous
System - It had been so long since I've seen my chiropractor that my
body was pretty out of whack. No surprise that the sphenoid was in dire need of
adjustment. Probably one of the reasons why I’m in a better place today in
terms of the emotional stuff.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - So,
I get this call yesterday prevening… Bran telling me he hates driving/parking
at X-location. Turns out this was his sly way of telling me that he's in the
cities.
These are issues
surrounding _her_. I'm not going to tell you what they were. It just meant that
Bran was sent into the cities… she's staying in the cities for a day, maybe
more, no one is sure. He had to drive back last night for work.
BUT
He came over. :)
Yeah.
He brought my Spawn
some white chocolate (that I will give to her next weekend). He brought a
chocolate bar for me too AS WELL AS some boxed chocolates!! - He's officially
forgiven for having to bail on me for boxed chocolate day. He still owes me for
Thanksgiving and Jewish-Christmas. He's probably still going to owe me for our
anniversary too. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
He also gave me a
new coffee maker!! - This was in the back of his truck and part of me is
wondering if _she_ will notice that it's gone.
I'm also wondering
how the hell she didn't suspect that he came to see me last night.
There were cock
worship kisses and some cuddles on the couch. No actual sex or laying in my bed
because that would have made him too tired for the drive back. There were
goodbye kisses too.
Bran was turned down
for his home loan. So he'll be living with me when he comes back. I'm okay with
this. Like, really okay! He figured out he should be able to stretch out enough
on my couch, and… omg… get this. He even told me that he's been considering
getting a memory-foam topper for his bed up north, just so he can try to
acclimate his body to sleeping on memory-foam.
It's probably
bullshit. But, it was a really nice thought.
We also discussed
what's going to happen with _her_ when he comes back to me.
As much as I want to
throw it in her face that Bran and I never broke up. Bran and I both know that
would be bad. On my end, I know that it would make what happens to her all
Bran's fault. On his end, he knows that would be suicide inducing and he doesn't
want her death on his hands.
Also, and we both
agree on this, when he DOES come back to me. Her fatalist mind set will place
all the solid blame on herself. She will believe with her entire being that she
had her best chance with him and SHE was the one who ruined it for herself. She
will believe that she poisons everything she touches. Which she does. But
she'll finally have proof of it.
I think that the
finality of that will be the perfect, final punishment for her. That will be
the culmination of all of her karma with me. And with Bran too, for that
matter.
The kids will be
fine. Her parents will see to that.
She'll be in a dark
hole for awhile. Hopefully she won't get into a new relationship right away and
she'll take some time to grow from her experience with me, and with Bran.
I don't wish for her
to be in pain forever. I want her to pay for the damage she did to me, yes, and
I believe that she will. But, I do want her to be able to grow and move on.
Hopefully finding a better daddy for her kids and maybe even a father she can
stay with for more.
I won't go so far as
to say that I wish her well. I hope she pays and pays dearly for a really long
time. But, I also know that a smart person would grow from all that pain.
Maybe, someday, I
might even get a heartfelt apology from her.
Maybe…
I'm not holding my
breath.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on
Favorites -
- Jasper - So…
Jasper and I tapped in with each other this morning. I sent him a note to let
him know Bran had been to visit me, and he responded by telling me that he's
been invited into a threesome today.
It's his first time.
So, he's feeling a really justifiable level of anxiety about it.
I talked him through
it, and he's going ahead with it. I even taught him the mindful body meditation
to reduce his anxiety going in.
I’m not going to
detail the whole conversation. That would be taking this too far.
But…
*sigh*
Okay, you know the
rules, save for what I left out of my entries regarding Copperhead, these are
always unfiltered.
I've got that auger
digging into my chest again.
And…
Ye gods, please
don't hate me for this, I KNOW that I DID have ulterior motives for advising
Jasper to take the threesome.
I’m hopeful that one
way or another this means I don't have to give up having sex with him.
I did have the
chance to tell him that sex with him was literally a religious experience. He
blushed and thanked me for the high praise.
NOW…
Don't get me wrong.
I still will NOT
have sex with him if it's going to hurt him.
I’m just hopeful
that some part of his experience today will make him want to have sex with me
again.
I'll be fine if he
doesn't. I mean, it will be hard to take, of course. But, I will never ever
want him to do anything with me that doesn't feel right to him.
- Blue Falcon -
I forgot to mention that I had a brief ping from the Blue Falcon while I
was on my date with Rain. He just wanted the link to Scribophile for a friend.
Okay… put this in
context… this means that *I* came up in conversation with him and another of
his friends.
He was thinking of
me. :)
*blush*
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers -
- Cookie - I'm
going easy on Cookie because I know he's out of town for work until the middle
of the month. But, we do tap in… so… hey!! Yay!
The point is. He's
there.
I hope he's okay
being loved.
I need to make sure
to tell him that he doesn't need to love me back.
- The Hopefuls
- Exchanged some messages/texts with a new hopeful last night. We mutual
liked and I said 'hi and thank you'. He asked if that was all I wanted to say.
About that time I'd refreshed myself on his profile and saw how he's looking
for a little spoon. (if this one matures, I'm totally code naming him 'Spoon'
or 'Spooner') I told him that I’m in dire need of a big spoon. He also offered
a massage, which I will gratefully take.
We've established
that he's very Dominant, aggressive, and more than willing to take the 'pin my
wrists with one hand while pulling my hair with the other' challenge.
We'll see where it
goes.
I'm hopeful. Of
course.
If he can pin me
down just right… AND if he comes back… then I'll have an easier time letting
Jasper go.
--
Okay… I'm done.
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